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The Second Annual All-Empire Awards: Offense/Special Teams

Off Tammany Empire once again convenes its delegates for merit-based recognition of the conference's best players

A less-coveted honor than the GoAUpher Inept TE Turned Waterboy Tight End of the Year Award
A less-coveted honor than the GoAUpher Inept TE Turned Waterboy Tight End of the Year Award
Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

Now that the other media outlets have released their All-Conference teams by naming all the players they've heard of and then filling in the rest of the depth chart with seniors from the teams at the top of the conference, let's dispel their insipidity the way the Founding Fathers would have wanted: good, old-fashioned political horse trading. I mean...a secret ballot system of qualified electors, of course. Ahem. Anyway, enough talk, let's dish out some hardware:

The Ted Glover Was Similar To Joe Bauserman At Quarterback Quarterback of the Year Award: J.T. Barrett, RS Freshman, OSU

JT Barrett: pretty much all the votes

Cardale Jones: .33 votes

Braxton Miller: .33 votes

The Jesse Collins Did Not Play Football But Would Have Played Running Back Running Back of the Year Award: Tevin Coleman, Junior, Indiana

Tevin Coleman: 6 votes

Melvin Gordon III: 5 votes

The Ray Ransom Loves Brian Leonard Versatility in Blocking, Rushing, and Receiving Fullback of the Year Award: Michael Burton, RS Junior (probably?), Rutgers

Michael Burton: 6 votes

Mark Weisman: 1 vote

Joe Kerridge: 1 vote

The GoAUpher Inept TE Turned Waterboy Tight End of the Year Award: Mackssssssssssssssss Williams, RS Sophomore, Minnesota

Maxxxxxxxx: 10 votes

Jordan Fuchs: .5 votes

Jake Butt: .5 votes

The Franz-Filler Leaders and Legends Memorial [ed. note: RIP] Wide Receiver of the Year Award: Tony Lippett, RS Senior, MSU

Tony Lippett: 6 votes

Kyle Prater: 2 votes

Leonte Carroo: 1 vote

Maxx Williams: 1 vote

Mike Dudek: 1 vote

The C.E. Bell Knows Nothing About Offensive Line Play Offensive Lineman of the Year: Jack Conklin, RS Sophomore, MSU

Jack Conklin: 4.2 votes

Brandon Cowthief: 4 votes

Zac Epping: 2 votes

Colin Rahrig: 1 vote

Travis Jackson: .2 votes

Jack Allen: .2 votes

Donavon Clark: .2 votes

Kodi Kieler: .2 votes

The MNWildcat Went 6/9 on PATs Kicker of the Year Award: Brad Craddock, Junior, Maryland

Brad Craddock: 8 votes

Griffin Oakes: 1 vote

Paul Griggs: 1 vote

The Green Akers Only Ever Played Soccer Punter of the Year: Peter Mortell, Junior, Minnesota

Peter Mortell: 7.5 votes

Justin DuVernois: 1.5 votes

Mike Sadler: 1 vote

The DJCarver But Seriously You Guys Have You Heard How Good Stefon Diggs Is Oops He's Hurt Again Returner of the Year Award: DeMornay Pierson-El/That Nebraska Guy, Freshman, Nebraska

DPE: 7 votes

Stefon Diggs: 2 votes

Will Likely: 1 vote

Kenzel Doe: 1 sarcastic vote

The electorate has spoken! Long live democracy*!

*Democracy here having the meaning of an oligarchy of self-appointed internet writers trading votes for Bitcoin futures.