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Now that the other media outlets have released their All-Conference teams by naming all the players they've heard of and then filling in the rest of the depth chart with seniors from the teams at the top of the conference, let's dispel their insipidity the way the Founding Fathers would have wanted: good, old-fashioned political horse trading. I mean...a secret ballot system of qualified electors, of course. Ahem. Anyway, enough talk, let's dish out some hardware:
The Ted Glover Was Similar To Joe Bauserman At Quarterback Quarterback of the Year Award: J.T. Barrett, RS Freshman, OSU
JT Barrett: pretty much all the votes
Cardale Jones: .33 votes
Braxton Miller: .33 votes
The Jesse Collins Did Not Play Football But Would Have Played Running Back Running Back of the Year Award: Tevin Coleman, Junior, Indiana
Tevin Coleman: 6 votes
Melvin Gordon III: 5 votes
The Ray Ransom Loves Brian Leonard Versatility in Blocking, Rushing, and Receiving Fullback of the Year Award: Michael Burton, RS Junior (probably?), Rutgers
Michael Burton: 6 votes
Mark Weisman: 1 vote
Joe Kerridge: 1 vote
The GoAUpher Inept TE Turned Waterboy Tight End of the Year Award: Mackssssssssssssssss Williams, RS Sophomore, Minnesota
Maxxxxxxxx: 10 votes
Jordan Fuchs: .5 votes
Jake Butt: .5 votes
The Franz-Filler Leaders and Legends Memorial [ed. note: RIP] Wide Receiver of the Year Award: Tony Lippett, RS Senior, MSU
Tony Lippett: 6 votes
Kyle Prater: 2 votes
Leonte Carroo: 1 vote
Maxx Williams: 1 vote
Mike Dudek: 1 vote
The C.E. Bell Knows Nothing About Offensive Line Play Offensive Lineman of the Year: Jack Conklin, RS Sophomore, MSU
Jack Conklin: 4.2 votes
Brandon Cowthief: 4 votes
Zac Epping: 2 votes
Colin Rahrig: 1 vote
Travis Jackson: .2 votes
Jack Allen: .2 votes
Donavon Clark: .2 votes
Kodi Kieler: .2 votes
The MNWildcat Went 6/9 on PATs Kicker of the Year Award: Brad Craddock, Junior, Maryland
Brad Craddock: 8 votes
Griffin Oakes: 1 vote
Paul Griggs: 1 vote
The Green Akers Only Ever Played Soccer Punter of the Year: Peter Mortell, Junior, Minnesota
Peter Mortell: 7.5 votes
Justin DuVernois: 1.5 votes
Mike Sadler: 1 vote
The DJCarver But Seriously You Guys Have You Heard How Good Stefon Diggs Is Oops He's Hurt Again Returner of the Year Award: DeMornay Pierson-El/That Nebraska Guy, Freshman, Nebraska
DPE: 7 votes
Stefon Diggs: 2 votes
Will Likely: 1 vote
Kenzel Doe: 1 sarcastic vote
The electorate has spoken! Long live democracy*!
*Democracy here having the meaning of an oligarchy of self-appointed internet writers trading votes for Bitcoin futures.