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All-Empire Team: Defense/Coaching/Special Honors

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Continuing with the greatest fake awards corruption can swindle

Oh, so NOW you remember how to shake hands.
Oh, so NOW you remember how to shake hands.
Rich Barnes-USA TODAY Sports

No time for further ado, the envelope laced with cash please:

The Mike Jones Undersized High-Motor Defensive End of the Year: Joey Bosa, sophomore, OSU

Joey Bosa: unanimous [ed. note: there was discussion about Bosa's eligibility for this award considering he's not really undersized for an NBA power forward let alone a collegiate defensive end, but then Bosa barged into the room in full pads and helmet and we all got scared and ran away]

The Hilary Lee Beast Mode Defensive Tackle of the Year: Anthony Zettel, RS junior, Penn State

Anthony Zettel: 5.5 votes

Darius Hamilton: 1 vote

Bobby Richardson: 1 vote

Cameron Botticelli: 1 vote

Michael Bennett: 0.5 votes

VOTE FOR SALE: 1 vote [dammit, MNW.]

The Aaron Yorke Because Linebacker U Or Something Linebacker of the Year: Jake Ryan, RS senior, Michigan

Jake Ryan: 5 votes

Mike Hull: 3 votes

Derek Landisch: 1 vote

Tegray Scales [lolwho?]: 1 vote

Damien Wilson: 1 vote


The Candystripes for Breakfast Probably Would Have Been A Corner If He Played And Also Probably Would Have Improved Indiana's Defense If He Had Played For Them Cornerback of the Year: Will Likely, sophomore, Maryland

Will Likely: 5 votes [you guys know we already did the returner one, right?]

Trae Waynes: 4 votes

Eric Murray: 1 vote

Tim Bennett [I say again, lolwho?]: 1 vote

The Babaoreally Hears Safety Play Is A Good Thing To Have But Has Not Observed It Firsthand In Over A Decade Safety of the Year: Kurtis Drummond, RS senior, MSU

Kurtis Drummond: 7 votes

Cedric Thompson: 1 vote

Mark Murphy: 1 vote

Landon Feichter: 1 vote

The Brian Gillis I Got Nothing Because He Never Admits Anything Embarrassing Assistant Coach of the Year: Tom Herman, OC, OSU

Tom Herman: 4 votes

Bob Shoop: 2 votes

Brian Knorr [the lolwut-iest of them all]: 2 votes

Tracy Claeys: 1 vote

hahahaha assistants?: 1 vote [my sympathies, Jesse]

The Brewster-DiNardo Golden Slapfight Coach of the Year: Urbz, OSU

Zurbaz: 6 votes

Jerry Kill: 5 votes [I feel like it wasn't this close when the voting closed and there may have been some spreadsheet tampering. /shrug]

The MCClapYoHandz Because We Want Everyone To Be Included Good Sportsmanship Award: Devin Gardner, RS senior, Michigan

Devin Gardner: ALL THE VOTES

The GF3 Memorial Bad Sportsmanship/Instigator Award: Maryland, Michigan

Maryland's captains/Maryland football/Maryland (the whole state)/Go Away Maryland: 4 votes

Brady Hoke's concussion protocol/Dave Brandon's asininity in response thereto: 4 votes

Dave Brandon in general: 1 vote

Nebraska for denying destiny by firing PeLLLini before the bowl: 1 vote

Big Show for his latest, not-quite-credible heel turn at Survivor Series: 1 vote