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All-Empire Team: Defense/Coaching/Special Honors

Continuing with the greatest fake awards corruption can swindle

Oh, so NOW you remember how to shake hands.
Oh, so NOW you remember how to shake hands.
Rich Barnes-USA TODAY Sports

No time for further ado, the envelope laced with cash please:

The Mike Jones Undersized High-Motor Defensive End of the Year: Joey Bosa, sophomore, OSU

Joey Bosa: unanimous [ed. note: there was discussion about Bosa's eligibility for this award considering he's not really undersized for an NBA power forward let alone a collegiate defensive end, but then Bosa barged into the room in full pads and helmet and we all got scared and ran away]

The Hilary Lee Beast Mode Defensive Tackle of the Year: Anthony Zettel, RS junior, Penn State

Anthony Zettel: 5.5 votes

Darius Hamilton: 1 vote

Bobby Richardson: 1 vote

Cameron Botticelli: 1 vote

Michael Bennett: 0.5 votes

VOTE FOR SALE: 1 vote [dammit, MNW.]

The Aaron Yorke Because Linebacker U Or Something Linebacker of the Year: Jake Ryan, RS senior, Michigan

Jake Ryan: 5 votes

Mike Hull: 3 votes

Derek Landisch: 1 vote

Tegray Scales [lolwho?]: 1 vote

Damien Wilson: 1 vote

The Candystripes for Breakfast Probably Would Have Been A Corner If He Played And Also Probably Would Have Improved Indiana's Defense If He Had Played For Them Cornerback of the Year: Will Likely, sophomore, Maryland

Will Likely: 5 votes [you guys know we already did the returner one, right?]

Trae Waynes: 4 votes

Eric Murray: 1 vote

Tim Bennett [I say again, lolwho?]: 1 vote

The Babaoreally Hears Safety Play Is A Good Thing To Have But Has Not Observed It Firsthand In Over A Decade Safety of the Year: Kurtis Drummond, RS senior, MSU

Kurtis Drummond: 7 votes

Cedric Thompson: 1 vote

Mark Murphy: 1 vote

Landon Feichter: 1 vote

The Brian Gillis I Got Nothing Because He Never Admits Anything Embarrassing Assistant Coach of the Year: Tom Herman, OC, OSU

Tom Herman: 4 votes

Bob Shoop: 2 votes

Brian Knorr [the lolwut-iest of them all]: 2 votes

Tracy Claeys: 1 vote

hahahaha assistants?: 1 vote [my sympathies, Jesse]

The Brewster-DiNardo Golden Slapfight Coach of the Year: Urbz, OSU

Zurbaz: 6 votes

Jerry Kill: 5 votes [I feel like it wasn't this close when the voting closed and there may have been some spreadsheet tampering. /shrug]

The MCClapYoHandz Because We Want Everyone To Be Included Good Sportsmanship Award: Devin Gardner, RS senior, Michigan

Devin Gardner: ALL THE VOTES

The GF3 Memorial Bad Sportsmanship/Instigator Award: Maryland, Michigan

Maryland's captains/Maryland football/Maryland (the whole state)/Go Away Maryland: 4 votes

Brady Hoke's concussion protocol/Dave Brandon's asininity in response thereto: 4 votes

Dave Brandon in general: 1 vote

Nebraska for denying destiny by firing PeLLLini before the bowl: 1 vote

Big Show for his latest, not-quite-credible heel turn at Survivor Series: 1 vote