B1G Basketball and the Holy Grail: A Power Poll!

Your commissioner is a hamster, and your gyms smelt of elderberries!

By MNWildcat Dec 30, 2014, 10:09am CST

Let's be clear: Jesse handles the Power Polls for a reason. Of course, that means today you're stuck with me! So without further ado, let's do dis:

I can quote very few movies, and have watched very few of them more than once or twice. That includes egregious screw-yous to the world like never seeing Star Wars or Lord of the Rings (and having no desire to), never having seen most of the classics, etc. Deal with it. One of the movies I can quote, though, is Monty Python and the Holy Grail. And while it's tough to pick favorites from it (and assign the best ones to Wisconsin--spoiler alert), here we go (oh, and images all come from the Monty Python wiki):

Oh again, and there were 7 voters: Aaron Yorke, Candystripes, DJ Carver, Graham Filler, Jesse Collins, Mike Jones, and MNWildcat.

GET ON WITH IT!

Alright, alright!

1. Wisconsin (98 pts.) - The Rabbit of Caerbannog

7 first-place votes (unanimous)

You look at Frank Kaminsky, and you think, "What's he gonna do, nibble my bum?" But don't be fooled. Wisconsin's got a mean streak a mile wide. And those sharp, pointy teeth that Bo Ryan has...

2. Ohio State (87 pts.) - Tim the Enchanter

H: 2 || L: 3

Sure, you might look ridiculous, and conjuring up fireballs might be about all you've got going for you, but we can't deny...you know what's going on. And you warned us about the rabbit...

3. Maryland (85 pts.) - The French

H: 2 || L: 4

You're foreign and we don't like you all that much, but the more we watch you, we're starting to think that the eventual B1G champions might have to deal with you by the end of the movie. We still don't get you, though. You just keep telling us our fathers smelt of elderberries and then muttering some weird shit about "Fetch the Old Bay!" ...or whatever it is. I don't get the East Coast.

4. Minnesota (70 pts.) - Camelot

H: 4 || L: 6

On second thought, let us not talk about Minnesota. It is a silly place. And it's only a model, anyways. Who knows if Minnesota's for real.

5. Indiana (69 pts.) - The Witch-Burning Mob

H: 4 || L: 7

"Very small rocks!" "Bread!" "Wood!"

What are...things likely to fall from the ceiling of Assembly Hall? Irregardless, a classic scene.

6. Michigan State (65 pts.) - King Arthur

H: 2 || L: 7

You still find a way...every...damn...time...to be left standing at the end of the movie. You might start slow with a humiliating defeat or two, get scared off once by the Killer Rabbit, and have your fair share of scrapes along the way, but you still find a way to mount a charge at the castle in the end. That's where you predictably fall short.

7. Penn State (61 pts.) - Dentist on the Job

H: 3 || L: 9

I'm still not sure if you're for real, or if I'm just watching something that distracts me from the overall movie. But you're pretty good, so far, and maybe this might work out. Of course, maybe you're just one subtitle sacking from turning into a llama motion picture, or one moose bite from fading back to the lower tier of the pack. Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti...

8. Iowa (51 pts.) - Brave Sir Robin

H: 7 || L: 8

"...who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the [second half of the Iowa State game]."

9. Illinois (44 pts.) - King of Swamp Castle

H: 8 || L: 9

We come to Chambana, thinking we'll be rescuing some beautiful basketball maiden, and we find...Prince Herbert? Come on, Illinois. You've got all of Chicago to recruit! Think about those huge...tracts of land! Do better. But don't worry. You built your first castle, and that one sunk into the swamp. You built another, and that one sunk into the swamp too! And this third one is in the process of falling over and sinking into the swamp...but the FOURTH one! That's the one that's all yours.

10. Nebraska (35 pts.) - The Castle Anthrax

H: 10 || L: 10

It's not a pretty name, but there's something to be said for enjoying a couple days in Lincoln. And weird things happen in Pinnacle Bank Arena, y'all. First, the tying down, then the spankings, then the ora--I've lost track of what we're doing here. But all I'll say is, Tim Miles recruits you, shit's about to get weird.

11. Purdue (23 pts.) - The Knights who say "Ni!"

H: 11 || L: 13

Seriously. You've got two 7-footers, and all you want is a fucking shrubbery? Get with the damn program, Purdue. At least demand that nice two-level effect. Aye, 'tis a sad time when

12. Northwestern (22 pts.) - Dennis the Constitutional Peasant

H: 11 || L: 14

Maybe it's football rubbing off on the basketball team. Maybe it's just a smart kids joke. But Northwestern has rights, dammit! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! We're being repressed!

13. Michigan (17 pts.) - The Black Knight

H: 12 || L: 13

"The Black Knight ALWAYS triumphs! Have at you!" ... No, your leg's off and we're seriously starting to get worried about you, OK?

14. Rutgers (8 pts.) - A Famous Historian

High: 13 || Low: 14

It's not gonna end well, dude.