Winter Meetings in the Big Ten

Andrew Weber-USA TODAY Sports

The setting: a conference room in the new B1G headquarters in Rosemont, Ill.


Jim Delany walks into the room. He's not in a good mood.

delany_angry Ok, let's call this meeting to order.

delany_angry Once again we've shit the bed this bowl season.

delany_angryI'm getting goddamn sick of SEC Commissioner Mike Slive taunting me over this every year.

iowa_ferentz_regularnu_fitz_regularneb_pelini_regularminnesota_kill_furrymsu_dantonio_regularum_hoke_regularindiana_wilson_regularill_beckman_regularosu_meyer_regularpurdue_hazell_regularpsu_obrien_regularwisconsin_andersen_regular //groan

delany_angry And what are most of you twats whining about?

delany_angry Hazell, good lord man! You coached probably the worst football team of all time last year.

purdue_hazell_regular Can you convince Mark Emmert to give Drew Brees 4 more years of college eligibility?

delany_angry HAHAHAHA. NO.

purdue_hazell_regular /sobs

delany_angryBeckman, there's no way in hell you'll be coaching in Champaign next year, so just mail it in and start looking for a nice comfy easy community college coaching job where no one cares if you fall on your ass on the football field.

ill_beckman_regular HEY!! I've got Oklahoma State QB transfer Wes Lunt and also Aaron Bailey coming in as quarterbacks. I'll be better next year. I might even win another trophy besides the Purdue Cannon!

purdue_hazell_regular //tears ACL

nu_fitz_regularHat? HAT!!! GO CATS!

osu_meyer_regular: You will never see the Illibuck Trophy as long as I am in Columbus.

delany_angry No, you wont Tim. You cant have nice things. EVER

ill_beckman_regular God DAMN IT! Why the fuck did I leave Toledo?!!!?!?

delany_angry Moving on.

delany_angry Wilson, have you found a defense yet?

indiana_wilson_regularWorking on it. Unlike Beckman over there, I'm not getting fired in December.

ill_beckman_regular FUCK YOU WILSON!!

delany_angry Tough shit. Deal with it

delany_angry Fitz, you really shit the bed after ESPN Gameday came to town.

nu_fitz_regular Yeah, all of my wizardry failed this year. One bad fucking thing after another.

delany_angry You think?!?

neb_pelini_regular RK3 says hi.


um_hoke_regular And so does my special teams unit.


nu_fitz_regular Fuck off, both of you!!! GO CATS!

delany_angry Hoke, are you OK?

delany_angry Dantonio, what's wrong with him?

msu_dantonio_regular I think he's catatonic after losing to Kansas State.

msu_dantonio_regular HOKE! Look, Cake!

um_hoke_regular uale uale uealeueuaesrlulu *fart* uale uasuaserahuh CAKE? CAKE!

hoke_cake NOM NOM NOM


iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingneb_pelini_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingminnesota_kill_smilingill_beckman_laughingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingpurdue_hazell_laughingpsu_obrien_regularwisconsin_andersen_laughing HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

delany_angry O'Brien, you did the impossible. You lost to Indiana.

iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingneb_pelini_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingmichigan_hoke_laughingminnesota_kill_smilingill_beckman_laughingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingpurdue_hazell_laughingwisconsin_andersen_laughing //All coaches laugh until they cry

indiana_wilson_regular Sup? HOO-HOO-HOOSIERS!!!! HOO-HOO-HOOSIERS!!!!

psu_obrien_regular You know what, fuck this. I'm out!

/As O'Brien leaves, a new coach walks in

delany_angry And who are you, young man?

james_franklin James Franklin, new coach of Penn State

delany_angry And where did you come from?

james_franklin Vanderbilt University

osu_meyer_regular: Oh, look who is!

nu_fitz_regular: The cowardly lion!!!

osu_meyer_regularnu_fitz_regular: /make chicken noises

james_franklin Oooh, color me scared! I'm not afraid of you Meyer or Fitz.

james_franklin All of you saw what I did with one hand tied behind my back at Vandy.

james_franklin I'd like to see you guys try that.

nu_fitz_regularI didn't complain about academics when I won 10 games in 2012

james_franklin And how was last year?

nu_fitz_regularShut up, coward!

osu_meyer_regular Hey jackass, I won 24 games in a row!

james_franklin Yeah, but you got Clemsoned by Clemson!

delany_angry ORDER! ORDER! Jeeze, I feel like the warden at a fucking nuthouse.

james_franklin You should've seen the SEC meetings.

osu_meyer_regular Agreed. Once Houston Nutt started drinking Wild Turkey, he'd eventually lose his pants


james_franklin And Bielema last year..... /shudders

delany_angry I'll pretend I didnt hear that last sentence. I'll talk with Slive later and commiserate after wiping my ass with piles of TV money.

VznsbefnbrxucxsTHANK HEAVENLY GOD!!

Flood_k300_mediumUh, Hi, We're here for orientation?

delany_angry And who the fuck are you two?

VznsbefnbrxucxsI'm Randy Edsall, head coach of the Maryland Terrapins

Flood_k300_medium And I'm Kyle Flood, head coach of the Rutgers Scarlet Knights

delany_angryNice job losing to Marshall there, Edsall!

iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingneb_pelini_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingmichigan_hoke_laughingminnesota_kill_smilingill_beckman_laughingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingpurdue_hazell_laughingwisconsin_andersen_laughingpsu_franklin_smilingFlood_k300_medium// HAHAHAHAHA

delany_angry And you, Flood, losing to Notre Dame? Great way to track shit in here on the first day.

Vznsbefnbrxucxs Sorry boss.

Flood_k300_medium Likewise

delany_angry Moving on. Kill, what the hell man, losing to SYRACUSE?

nu_fitz_regularjames_franklin /giggles hysterically

Vznsbefnbrxucxs / winces

minnesota_kill_furry What are you laughing about Franklin?

james_franklin Nice job breaking the trophy!

12039454284_576a8af175_s_medium FLOYD SAYS HI!!

um_hoke_regularThe Jug looks nice in my office.

wisconsin_andersen_regularAnd so does the Axe!

minnesota_kill_furry I hate all of you.

delany_angry Hey Andersen, nice job losing to the Ol' Ball Coach.

delany_angry Really helping the narrative there, chief.

delany_angry Although you got skullfucked in the desert by ASU.

wisconsin_andersen_regular That was a goshdarn travesty.

delany_angry You know, you can emulate your drunken fans and use profanity here.

wisconsin_andersen_regular Jeepers!

delany_angry Bo, I'm surprised you still have a job.

delany_angry Swearing at the fans... wow... that's ballsy..

neb_pelini_regularYeah, this year was crazy

neb_pelini_regular/ nods meekly

delany_angry Bo, are you ok? Your'e not raving and you look tired...

neb_pelini_regular I can't sleep. Ever since Carl stole my cat....

delany_angry ....yes?

neb_pelini_regular Can't sleep, Lil' Red will eat me!


iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingmichigan_hoke_laughingminnesota_kill_smilingill_beckman_laughingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingpurdue_hazell_laughingwisconsin_andersen_laughingpsu_franklin_smilingFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxs HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

neb_pelini_regular And now he's in my nightmares

Grunta_medium What the hell?!?!?

/ bounces in

neb_pelini_regular NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Flood_k300_medium I'll take care of that.

Flood_k300_medium Snooki, get in here!

12039149213_1b88f9fd07_o_medium SNOOKI WANT SMUUSH SMUUSH

indiana_wilson_regular Fitz, get rid of those things!!!



Supercali Fragilistic ExpiDarnell Autry!!

ill_beckman_regularYou know, I can't unsee that. You've scarred me for life Flood!

Flood_k300_medium Calm down, coach I will never face --


Flood_k300_medium -- I have a fix for that too.

Vznsbefnbrxucxs I'm not sure we need any more bright ideas from you!

Flood_k300_medium Agent K, wipe our memories for 2 minutes


delany_angry Kirk, what's your problem?

12039454284_576a8af175_s_mediumI DONT HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM, I'M PERFECTLY FINE!!!!!!

neb_pelini_regular You sure about that?

Kill_medium / snickers

12039454284_576a8af175_s_medium YES, I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

purdue_hazell_regular Kirk, your'e scaring me

delany_angry Nice job of making me look bad by losing to a crazier guy then Pelini.

Miles-eating-grass_medium NOM NOM NOM!

Carl_252bpelini_mediumHeh Heh. I switched your coffee with Fran McCaffrey's


delany_angry Meyer, you twat. You got Clemsoned.

delany_angry At least you didn't punch someone.


delany_angry Thank god you didn't make the national championship game.

delany_angryJameis Winston would've torched your defense!

osu_meyer_regular Can I get a word in edgewise?

iowa_ferentz_regularnu_fitz_regularneb_pelini_regularminnesota_kill_furrymsu_dantonio_regularum_hoke_regularindiana_wilson_regularill_beckman_regularpurdue_hazell_regularwisconsin_andersen_regularFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsjames_franklin FUCK NO!

Urban-meyer-sad-eating-pizza_medium NOM NOM

msu_dantonio_regular Did someone say Defense?

delany_angry Ah yes, the employee of the year.

delany_angryI like Rose Bowl wins.

iowa_ferentz_regularnu_fitz_regularneb_pelini_regularminnesota_kill_furryum_hoke_regularindiana_wilson_regularill_beckman_regularosu_meyer_regularpurdue_hazell_regularwisconsin_andersen_regularFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsjames_franklin THANK YOU!!!!

msu_dantonio_regularmsu_dantonio_smiling /grins

msu_dantonio_smiling Yeah, winning the Rose Bowl was great.

msu_dantonio_smiling I could've won the national championship if not for that school in South Bend.

msu_dantonio_pondering Wait a sec...

purdue_hazell_regular Seriously??!?

msu_dantonio_conspiracy WHY DID I LOSE THAT GAME?

minnesota_kill_furry Oh no. Here it comes

delany_angry Calm down Mark, you weren't conspired against---


delany_angry Mark, you had a bullshit loss. It happens. Go out and win a crystal football next year.


james_franklin Mark, you were conspired against.

iowa_ferentz_regularnu_fitz_regularneb_pelini_regularminnesota_kill_furryum_hoke_regularindiana_wilson_regularill_beckman_regularosu_meyer_regularpurdue_hazell_regularwisconsin_andersen_regularFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsmsu_dantonio_conspiracy *GASPS*

james_franklin ESPN requires an SEC team in the national championship game every year for ratings.

james_franklin ESPN and the SEC paid off the refs in your game against ND.

msu_dantonio_conspiracy I KNEW IT!!!

delany_angry SLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!!!

delany_angry Wait, why are you telling us this?

james_franklin Seems like the right thing to do.

iowa_ferentz_regularnu_fitz_regularneb_pelini_regularminnesota_kill_furryum_hoke_regularindiana_wilson_regularill_beckman_regularosu_meyer_regularpurdue_hazell_regularwisconsin_andersen_regularFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsjames_franklinmsu_dantonio_conspiracy FUCK THE SEC!!

(I've borrowed a few images from Ted Glover and also Horace E Cow at BHGP. I hope they think it's cool. Everything else here was photoshopped...poorly... I am not responsible for the therapy bills from watching the Lil' Red video... this means you, Wolvie!)

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