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Big Ten Winter 2015 Coaches Meetings

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The B1G coaches meet after the OSU championship game for a winter bowl recap... and all hell breaks loose

HEEEEEE'RES HARBAUUUUGH!!!!!
HEEEEEE'RES HARBAUUUUGH!!!!!
LPW

Big-ten-headquarters-1_medium

Once again, Jim Delany has called a meeting of his Coaches after bowl season.. this time to a high-tech conference room in the new Big Ten headquarters in Rosemont, Illinois

So, things are so much better this year. I have a new haircut, and you guys did so much better in bowl season!! We have a winning record at 6-5!

Well, most of you, so let's recap a little

Hazell! --- A 3-9 season?

purdue_hazell_regular I went from losing, although not as badly, to losing and being competitive!

osu_meyer_laughing *COUGH*Lame* COUGH*

purdue_hazell_regular /sobs

Wilson! 4-8?

indiana_wilson_regular I HAVE THE BUCKET! FOR TWO YEARS IN A ROW!! And we won the SEC EAST!

purdue_hazell_regular // tears ACL

osu_meyer_laughing *cough*Weaksauce*cough*

Fitz! --- 5-7 again?!?

nu_fitz_regular Yeah, this year didn't turn out how I hoped. I have a lot of work to do.

Excuses, excuses, excuses!!

osu_meyer_laughing *cough*BULLSHIT*cough*

And what's the deal with you guys unionizing ?!?

nu_fitz_regular I think my players voted against it. I've been told the NLRB will decide soon.

nu_fitz_regular But we beat Notre Dame!!!! Knocked them out of the rankings!

Thank you!

Tim, how the hell do you still have a job?

ill_beckman_regular Ask Pat!

nu_fitz_regular Damn it!

Hoke, 5-7?

You lost to Rutgers!

Flood_k300_medium HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

um_hoke_regular /sobs

* All the sudden, someone is chopping down the door with an Axe!*

** No, not that Axe, Badger fans...**

Grunta_medium What the hell?!?

harbaugh_door HEERE'S HARBAUGH!!

Brady, you no longer speak for Michigan.

Thanks for leaving me the good roster. This will be easier than coaching Stanford!

Seriously Jim? I'm taking that out of Michigan's TV money.

Are you crazy?!? Take it out of Purdue's TV money, they aren't using it for anything useful these days.

purdue_hazell_regular HEY! What's your deal?!?

WHAT'S YOUR DEAL??! YOU CALL THAT A MUSTACHE?!?

/rips off mustache

IT'S A FAAAAKKKEE!!!!

indiana_wilson_regular /laughs hysterically

indiana_wilson_regular I knew it!

WHAT THE HELL MAN?!? YOU BASTARD!!

WHAT THE HELL IS WITH YOUR PANTS ?!?

What's wrong with my pants?

Flood_k300_medium You look like you're wearing a parachute on your legs!

Vznsbefnbrxucxs Actually they look like Hammer Pants!

ill_beckman_regular And pleats? Dude, you look like a hobo.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH PLEATS!!!

*Blip bloop beep*

Hold on a sec

osu_meyer_regular *YOINK* /steals Jim's phone

osu_meyer_regular YOU BUY YOUR PANTS AT WAL-MART?!?!?

// everyone laughs

ill_beckman_regular Hobo. I called it!

osu_meyer_regular AND YOUR WIFE CALLED WAL-MART TO BAN YOU FROM BUYING THOSE PANTS!

// everyone laughs until they cry

They're not that bad, I can fit everything in them!
james_franklin And have you guys seen his Twitter Account?!?

ill_beckman_regular Sad but true.

ENOUGH!

Franklin, how the hell did you make a bowl game?

nu_fitz_regular Yeah, seriously?

james_franklin Aren't you supposed to be happy I did that? And won?!?

Fair point. Good job at 7-6

RANDY! WHAT THE HELL? Losing to Stanford in your bowl game?

msu_dantonio_smiling /snickers

Vznsbefnbrxucxs HEY! I finished 3rd in the east! What's wrong with 7-6?

Oh fine... Whatever

KIRK! WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

iowa_ferentz_regular I lost to Tennessee. Sorry!

FOR GODS SAKE MAN, KEVIN WON THE SEC EAST!!

indiana_wilson_regular Hooray!

WE DONT LOSE TO SEC EAST TEAMS!!

Moving on..

Jerry, what the hell man?

ill_beckman_regular HAHAHAHAHAHA

minnesota_kill_furry I don't win bowl games.

Work on that please...

minnesota_kill_furry But I went 8-5!

Two coaches enter in the door

neb_riley_regular Hi, we're here for Orientation?

Sorry we're late

And who are you two?

neb_riley_regular I'm Mike Riley, new coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers!

And where did you come from?

neb_riley_regular Oregon State University

osu_meyer_laughing You do know that you have to win more than nine games yearly?
neb_riley_regular ... WHAT??!?

And you! Who are you?

Paul Chryst, new coach of the Wisconsin Badgers!

Barry, try to keep this guy for more than two years, and thank you for beating Auburn!

Just kidding, I knew who you were Chryst! You screwed up the 2010 rose bowl!

Barry, it's time to go home now. I've got this.

Oh all right.
/leaves
osu_meyer_laughing You should totally quit or take another job after two years!
That's not very funny!
Mark! Congrats on beating Baylor!
msu_dantonio_smiling You're welcome.
indiana_wilson_regular Narduzzi's gone! I can win the Spittoon next year!
msu_dantonio_regular Don't get your hopes up Kevin!
indiana_wilson_regular ... Dammit!
And Urban, thank god you won the national championship on Monday!
osu_meyer_laughing I told you all last year I would do this! DONT DOUBT ME!

// everyone: THANK YOU!
osu_meyer_laughing What are you fools thanking me for? If you want to keep up you better step up!
Bullshit! I will outwork and outcrazy ALL OF YOU!
msu_dantonio_smiling The Galaxy class defense will return!
Don't get too comfortable because the Lion is Rising!!

WE ARE!! PENN STATE!!!

minnesota_kill_furry I WILL HAVE ALL THE TROPHIES NEXT YEAR!
minnesota_kill_furry I have the Pig, the Jug, The Victory Bell, the $5 bits of broken chair and next year ---


You will never get the Axe
minnesota_kill_furry DAMMIT!

ENOUGH! I WILL STRIKE ALL OF YOU DOWN IF YOU DONT SHUT UP!

Ok, we've improved, and next year let's do even better.
Before I let you go, SHUT UP and listen to to me prank Mike Slive!

* Wherever the SEC offices are..
** Presumably Birmingham, Alabama

//RING I AM A PHONE RING
//RING A DING A DINGY DONG
Jessica_dorrell_mediumHello, SEC Commissioner Mike Slive's office!
Jessica_dorrell_medium Who's This?? Oh, I'll put you through to him right away!
Jessica_dorrell_medium Mike, there's a John Skipper from ESPN on the phone!
Mike_slive_medium Thanks Jessica. Mr. Skipper?
Hi Mike, how are you doing?
Mike_slive_medium Pretty good so far John. What's on your mind?
I have some bad news for you: I'm canceling the SEC Network.
Mike_slive_medium WHAT?!? WHY?
Because YOUR CONFERENCE GOT SMOKED BY MINE! B1G! B1G!!
Mike_slive_medium.... fuck off Delany!

-- Next up: the Athletic Directors!
--- Credits: The Darrell Hazell Mustache Image was originally done by MGoBlog, and Jerry Kill as a furry woodland creature was done by Horace E. Cow at BHGP. Everything else is a continuation of Ted Glover's articles and the Batshit Insanity of BHGP