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Mr. Clanky Says: Basketball Power Poll!

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They bear a freaky resemblance, don't they?


Let's be real: Power Polls are some of the hardest things to do, because (1) I'm not Jesse, (2) I'm not all that creative, (3) I don't watch movies, (4) I was that kid whose parents didn't let him have video games, and (5) my favorite TV show is Friends. And none of that lends itself well to Power Polls.

Nonetheless, you're stuck with me! Suckaaaaaaaaas! And this week, I bring you back to my "childhood," where "childhood" means "games I was allowed to play that reinforced trying hard and vague cultural stereotypes." Minnesotan suburbia, everyone! A couple of those games that I still pull out and play from time to time when I'm procrastinating, though, are from the Backyard Sports series. And so this is your Power Poll: Backyard Sports characters!

Oh yeah, and nine of us voted. All the images are from the Backyard Sports Wiki.

1. Wisconsin (126 pts, 9 FPV) - Kiesha Phillips

H: 1 | L: 1 | LW: 1

You're big, you're rough, and you bear a surprising resemblance to your football team's offensive line, now that I think about it... But I don't care what anyone says: Pete Wheeler might be faster, and Pablo Sanchez might be the superstar, but Kiesha Phillips is coming? You get outta the damn way.

2. Maryland (115 pts) - Pablo Sanchez

H: 2 | L: 3 | LW: 2

Lemme in town, right? Damn, wherever you're from, you sure can play. Appropriate that your best player is young and small, but he's gonna get paaaaid someday, too. As long as he can avoid making the same mistakes the real Pablo Sanchez might've made.

3. Indiana (103 pts) - Pete Wheeler

H: 2 | L: 5 | LW: 4

You play it fast (55th in AdjT), you play it free-wheelin' (seewhatididthere), and Ohio State just beat you like the red-headed stepchild you are. That works, doesn't it? Really, really good at soccer, too. So there's that, if the redhead joke isn't working for ya.

4. Ohio State (103 pts) - Jocinda Smith

H: 2 | L: 6 | LW: 5

The damn MVP of everything. And she's so frickin' annoying. But you gotta tolerate her and put her on the team, because she's just that good.

5. Iowa (87 pts) - Dante Robinson

H: 5 | L: 6 | LW: 6

I don't know if it's Fran McCaffery pulling his best Dante impression or what, but Iowa's just always bouncing all over the damn place, defense, offense, and everything in between be damned. I hated starting him in baseball, too, because he'd just fade by the end of the game, anyways. Too soon?

6. Michigan State (85 pts) - Achmed Khan

H: 4 | L: 7 | LW: 3

Axeman is never overwhelming and prone to miss kicks or strikeout once in a while, but man, when he gets a hold of one? There's no one I ever wanted coming up in the bottom of the 9th when I needed a home run. He still finds a way late in the season.

7. Purdue (68 pts) - Ernie Steele

H: 6 | L: 9 | LW: 8

Seriously, where the hell does all that height come from? And when are you gonna learn to use it properly? I would just run post routes to Ernie damn Steele every play, throw it up, and the kid still only comes down with it half the time. And when he does, his body somehow falls half-forward, half-backwards, and doesn't even pick up all the yards I want him to pick up! I blame his coach.

8. Michigan (67 pts) - Mikey Thomas

H: 6 | L: 9 | LW: 7

He's not happy when things don't go his way, and man, he cannot run to save his life. There's something about making Michigan a bunch of nose-pickers, too, that I just enjoy doing. So let's call this one a wash. But Michigan's still a bunch of nose-pickers.

9. Nebraska (56 pts) - Stephanie Morgan

H: 8 | L: 9 | LW: 9

You look right and do all the right things, but there's something about you that just still bugs me. But enough about Tim Miles, let's talk about Stephanie Morgan. [Seriously, folks, I'm here all week. Tip your Mike Jones.] And what's with the obsession with baseball, huh?

[Side note: Let me tell you, be careful GIS'ing "Stephanie Morgan" in an office setting. But you're welcome, if that's your thing.]

10. Illinois (44 pts) - Kenny Kawaguchi

H: 10 | L: 11 | LW: 10

I mean, just the worst kinds of stereotypes. But hey, you can still be cool. Or something. Also, Kenny probably could be the second or third off the bench for Illinois these days.

11. Minnesota (33 pts) - Gretchen Hasselhoff

H: 10 | L: 12 | LW: 11

Blonde, vaguely Aryan, you just bounce all over the damn place and bring a ton of energy (30th in AdjT? really?) but don't go anywhere. Yet I still wind up drafting you, because damn if there's something about you that works.

Seriously, the John Shurna swing of Backyard Baseball.

12. Northwestern (28 pts) - Jorge Garcia

H: 11 | L: 14 | LW: 12

I'mma just go ahead and plagiarize copy and paste from the Backyard Sports Wiki:

A snobby rich Spanish kid who hates getting dirty. He isn't an athletic type, as he is below average in almost each game. "Bonkers"' full name is Jorge Raoul Luis Garcia III. He comes from money, and makes this fact known in Backyard Hockey. The first thing he says upon clicking him is, "I'm Jorge Garcia, and I have more money than you."

13. Penn State (19 pts) - Ronny Dobbs

H: 12 | L: 13 | LW: 14

Man, and again:

Ronny is a short kid with skinny legs [there's a Tim Frazier joke here somewhere]. He likes to think of himself as a big kid, even though he'll cry after underperforming or not getting his way.

14. Rutgers (11 pts) - Kimmy Eckman

H: 12 | L: 14 | LW: 13

I'm still not quite sure what you're doing here, and I know the only reason the kids let you play in Backyard Baseball was because you had a bitchin' backyard. Seriously, thanks for that. And I guess every once in a while, you do knock one out of the park. But you've got this weird excitement about just being allowed to play...let's cool it with the enthusiasm, huh?

Disclaimer: backyard sports is a property thing of humongous entertainment games and i dont own any of these images and their rights and names and so on and so forth but go play them because it's fun to feel like a kid and it's really cool ok just dont get me in trouble for this

Open Thread!

This is your open thread for basketball, starting tonight with Nebraska-Michigan at 6pm CST on ESPN. Michigan State-Rutgers was postponed because they're shoveling out Kimmy Eckman's backyard. No porn, politics, slurs, jackwagonry, douchebaggery, or idolatry. I'm not sure about the last one, but just go with it, OK?