Here at B1G Enterprises we pride ourselves in hiring and maintaining top talent in the college football industry. Performance reviews are done every 6 months (or whenever I feel like it), and are an integral part of developing your skills and improving production. Teams are graded on the following criteria: Expectations going into the season, how well they have fulfilled their "role" within the company (perennial contender, bottom dwelling upset machine, yearly disappointer, etc), and how well you have handled your schedule. Also whether or not I like you. I don't have the time to meet with you all in confidence, nor do I have the tact to care, so I'm just going to put all the reviews here for everyone to see. Reviews will be placed in
no particular alphabetical order.
Illinois Fighting Illini
Listen, we had to let your supervisor/lasagna enthusiast Tim Beckman go before the season even started. You could have gone 2-10 this year and nobody would have thought any less of you. But that wasn't enough, was it? I don't know if you're trying to impress Bill Cubit, or if you are just doing this out of spite for Beckman, but whatever the reason it's clear you're thinking bowl game or bust this season. And that's great. That's the kind of go-getter attitude we expect here at B1G Enterprises. I mean, you beat Nebraska for the first time in 91(!) years. Keep this up and we'll give you a cubicle next to a window.
Going into this year, I was expecting the same old mild-mannered Hoosiers, but you started off hot and made me a believer. Right up until Saturday I was prepared to give you "exceeds expectations", but it's clear i jumped the gun a little. You began 4-0 before giving the defending national champions all they could handle in your first loss. Then yesterday you derped around the field like it was your first day and you let Penn State win by double-digits. Yeah you're down a quarterback or two right now, but it's not like quarterback play has been the difference for you this year. Looking back at your schedule, I have to wonder what the hell I was thinking jumping on your bandwagon: a 48-47 victory over an FCS team followed by 3 mildly convincing wins over nobody teams and a loss against your first real competition of the year? I was wrong about you, Hoosiers. You aren't management material, at least not yet.
It's about time, Hawkeyes. Here we are at the halfway point and you have yet to make a mistake on the job. 6-0 is more than we were asking of you. Several years running you were needs improvement. It seems that my constant griping finally got through to you somehow. Kirk Ferentz has been with the company longer than anyone, and we probably would have fired him already if his union would have let us. Thank god they didn't. For years you were consistantly a top performer here at B1G, but you let that get to your head and decided to coast on past performance for a while. You're back though, and that's what matters. Keep it up, and we may let you represent your department (the West division) in Indianapolis this December! You finally reminded us why we gave you your own parking spot.
Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Testudo? Listen, we all know you're going through some stuff right now and we were prepared for you to take a step back in your performance this season. The Michigan and Ohio State games were probably losses before the season even began. West Virginia was a pretty ugly loss, but not the end of the world. But Bowling Green? SERIOUSLY? Thanks to you (and your companions in West Lafayette), BGSU freshmen are walking into the book store to buy some graph paper, AND WALKING OUT WITH THIS ON THEIR BACK:
Looking at the rest of your schedule, I don't see any way you make a bowl game. We already canned your supervisor, Mr. Edsall. Hopefully we don't have to clean house anymore than that. You have a lot of work to do to get back on track.
I don't even know what to say. On one hand, your work has been a steaming pile of garbage for the last few years. On the other hand, you have top-tier recruits playing on your team and anything worse than 5-1 would be a big damn joke. I don't much care for your antics, but our CEO Jim Delany is dead-set on making you the face of this company. That's why we brought in Mr. Harbaugh to fix you. I have to admit he's doing his job quite well. This isn't exactly performance related, but you should know that in the break room we all make fun of your fans for thinking pleated khakis are cool or ironic or whatever. They're just pants. Everyone's dad owns a pair (and they aren't nearly as rad as the white pants/aviator sunglasses combination). Nobody can stand you when you perform well, because it brings every spoiled frat boy and every Walmart Wolverine out of the woodwork to jump on your bandwagon. But, despite our differences, you're making the company proud. Beat Sparty on Saturday, and maybe we'll talk about that raise.
Somewhat Exceeds Expectations
Michigan State Spartans
You're undefeated, but we all sort of expected that at this point. The high point on your résumé is a win over an Oregon team that just lost to Washington State (and therefore Portland State by proxy). You only beat Purdue by a field goal. You only beat Rutgers because their quarterback spiked the ball on 4th down. Technically, you've completed every task we've assigned to you, but you did it in the most uninspired and dopey way possible. Listen, if you don't want to be here you can go somewhere else. There are plenty of Penn States and Indianas that would LOVE to be in your position. On paper you're doing your job, but we both know something is going on with you. If you can't get excited to play Michigan, you and I are going to have a very long talk about your future here.
Begrudgingly Meets Expectations
Minnesota Golden Gophers
4-2 isn't a horrible record, but we all know you haven't been performing very well lately. Let me tell you a secret: I had boldly penciled you in as the best team in the West department this year. You only have 1 conference loss so you aren't down and out quite yet, but you need to step it up here, buddy. Maybe the fault is my own for setting the bar too high, or maybe it's Mitch Leidner's fault for averaging less than 5 yards per attempt on the road this season, but I think we should reevaluate your place in this company. I had you figured for a champion, but champions score more than 0 points in their conference opener. I feel bad because if this was any other year I would think you were doing a decent job, but...
/Makes eye contact but remains silent.
Go ahead. I'll let you have the first word.
/Starts to open mouth...
SHUT THE HELL UP! WHAT IN THE SWEET CHOCOLATE CHRIST IS WRONG WITH YOU? 2-4? TWO AND FOUR?!?! YOU ARE NEBRASKA! YOU FIRED YOUR PREVIOUS COACH BECAUSE 9 WINS WAS BENEATH YOU. HAVE SOME PRIDE, MAN. Ahem. Let's get this over with. Yes, you have a new coach and a new system. That's no excuse. Yes your former defensive line coach is calling players to try and get them to turn on the new regime. Still no excuse. When we hired you away from the Big XII, it was so you could challenge Ohio State for a championship every year. It wasn't because we thought it would be funny to watch you lose on a hail mary you knew was coming from the Stormin' Mormons, or because our friends in Champaign-Urbana needed a pick-me-up. You came to this company with the attitude that every team here would serve as your personal punching bag, but instead our usual also-rans are looking down at you and laughing. I don't even like you and this is hard for me to stomach. I can only imagine how your poor fans feel. Those well meaning, but eternally delusional folks think you should be winning the national championship every year. Championship nothing...at this rate you'll be lucky to play Middle Tennessee in the Zaxby's Heart of Dallas Bowl. I can't even look at you right now. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE.
I know Saturday's loss to Michigan still stings, but we really think you're doing some good work around here. After back-to-back 5-7 records, we were just hoping you would actually go to a bowl game this season. You beat an always tough Stanford team, you beat a pretty good Duke team, and you did unspeakable acts to poor Minnesota. You are still very much in control of your own destiny this season at B1G Enterprises. Sure you went to Ann Arbor and played almost as bad as a junior varsity high school team, or even Iowa State, but honestly there isn't any shame in losing to Michigan this year. You aren't this company's best employee, but you're still better than most. Get back to it, slugger.
Ohio State Buckeyes
The higher ups won't let me say anything bad about you, but come on man. You're more capable than anyone else at this company. If you cared even one iota about your job performance you would be beating everyone by 40 points. Cardale Jones said he didn't go to Columbus to play school, but he's playing football with the exact same enthusiasm he takes to Econ 101. You were anointed as national champions before the season started and now you're acting like the games have already been won. I can't really reprimand you with a perfect record, and besides, you have the raw talent to win at least 12 or 13 games without even trying. You could have been the best football team of an entire era, but you're content to simply be the best team at this company for another year. If you aren't careful, one of the teams from Michigan might beat you out for employee of the month
Technically Meets Expectations
Penn State Nittany Lions
I don't really know how to judge you. You are almost certainly going to do better than last year's 7-6 performance, and you already have the same number of conference wins as you did all of last year. You have a lot of talent, though not a lot of depth. Ok, you lost to Temple (who is still undefeated by the way), but since then you've been playing pretty well. Come see me after you get back from Columbus on Saturday, I'll know more then.
Hey Purdue. No FBS wins yet, huh? I'd like to say I'm disappointed in you, but this is pretty much par for the course at this point. Listen, I know you're never going to change, but you've been with this company since the very beginning so your position here is safe. Just promise me you go out there and get at least 1 conference win to throw a wrench in some other team's season, same as every year. Nebraska would be funny.
Rutgers Scarlet Knights
Ok...where to start? 2-3 is a disappointing, though unsurprising, start to the season. Yeah maybe you could have beaten Wazzu, but none of your losses are shocking. My real problem with you is how you conduct yourself when you're off the clock. Every decision you make reflects upon the company, regardless of whether or not it occurs on company time. I'll be honest, we didn't hire you last year because we thought you were a good fit, we hired you because we want people in New York to enjoy our product. Nobody expected you to win many games but DEAR GOD WAS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR YOU TO NOT BEAT OUT THE ENTIRE SEC FOR THE FULMER CUP?!
YOUR ENTIRE DEFENSIVE SECONDARY IS GONE. Aggrivated assault, Rioting, Conspiracy to Commit a Riot....At least you got your best player back, though hopefully Carroo learned a lesson or two about the risks of having a side piece. Listen Rutgers: You are classy. We all know you are classy. If you aren't going to win very many football games, at least retain enough dignity to be able to blame high academic and personal standards like Michigan and Notre Dame do whenever they lose.
Take a seat, Badgers. You have a new supervisor in Madison. That's ok, you and Paul Chryst know each other pretty well. I see you also lost Melvin Gordon. That's ok too, most teams don't get to have that kind of talent on their team anyway. You found someone other than Joel Stave to take snaps for you though, right? RIGHT?! Oh god. That's ok, we can work with this. Your defense is way better than Stave is bad, so this isn't the end of the world. I'm not going to count the loss to Alabama against you. You also allowed 13 total points over a 4 game span, so that's excellent. Oh, I see here that you held Iowa to 10 points and still lost. Thats....less excellent. You know what though, your fat kicker blew the game winner against Nebraska, then somehow came back to win it anyway. Ok your offense has been holding you back somewhat, but the two teams you've lost to have a combined 11-1 record. I know most people thought you were going to be in the driver's seat as the best team in the West department by this point, but things could be much worse. You have the easiest remaining schedule of any employee of B1G Enterprises, so you still have the inside track to double-digit wins and a January bowl game. You won't be running up the score and padding stats against lesser competition like you used to do all the time, but if your defense keeps doing its thing you've got nothing to worry about.