Some questions were answered this past week. Is Northwestern the best team in the Big Ten? (No) Is Leonte Carroo really that good? (Yes) Does Illinois have a real team now? (Maybe) Has Nebraska figured out how to stop Wisconsin? (Almost). Plenty of questions were left unanswered. How can Ohio State keep looking so bad in wins? Is Michigan State really sandbagging until they have to play Michigan/Ohio State? Is Iowa for real? Did Perry Hills ever wrestle?
What has become clear is that each of these teams is flawed in some way, some more so than others. Those flaws make some teams fun to watch for non-fans of that team, such as Penn State's pass protection and Nebraska's clock management. Bad movies have the same appeal. If you're not connected to a bad movie, its flaws can be entertaining enough to be worth watching. Here is the link to the all of InsertName's charts. There were 16 voters this week.
Let's Get To It:
1 Ohio State Buckeyes: The Room
Total Points 222 || First Place Votes 14 || High Place 1 || Low Place 2 || Last Week 1 || Change 0
Called "the 'Citizen Kane' of bad movies" by Entertainment Weekly, Tommy Wiseau's 2003 masterpiece The Room is the unquestioned champion at the moment, much like Ohio State. Also like Ohio State, The Room features a lot of throwing of footballs that doesn't seem to make any sense. The Buckeyes are an erratic trainwreck that's fairly incomprehensible, but like The Room, they are the greatest erratic trainwreck.
2 Michigan Wolverines: Battlefield Earth
222 Points || FPV 2 || H 1 || L 6 || LW 5 || Change +3
A forceful display of Xenu-ridden propaganda and awful angles, Battlefield Earth bulldozes over most other movies as one of if not the worst ever. Michigan has arrived one year early, and after bulldozing Northwestern, no one is safe.
3 Michigan State Spartans: Sharknado
193 Points || H 2 || L 4 || LW 2 || Change -1
It seems like at some point, the Spartans really should have been chomped by one of the sharks swimming all over their schedule, yet they've escaped. Even though it's been uglier than throwing homemade bombs into a tornado from a small helicopter, they've escaped every predicament they've been in. Will they chainsaw their way out of the belly of a shark this Saturday?
4 Iowa Hawkeyes: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
181 Points || H 2 || L 4 || LW 4 || Change 0
When crowds camped out to catch the premiere of The Phantom Menace, they did not expect the man behind the beloved Star Wars Trilogy to showcase such an unforgivable turd. When Iowa fans first packed Kinnick this year, they did not expect the man behind the unforgivable turd of the 2012 season to produce this beloved 6-0 start with an uncharacteristically aggressive nature. CJ Beathard is the opposite of Jar Jar Binks.
5 Northwestern Wildcats: Glitter
153 Points || H 5 || L 7 || LW 3 || Change -2
This movie was to be the establishment of Mariah Carey as a crossover cultural icon, just as this weekend was supposed to establish Northwestern as being a legitimate contender to the throne. As it turned out, both Carey and Northwestern had their limitations laid bare in the spotlight. Oh well, at least Northwestern is still ranked, just like #25 Glitter in IMDB's bottom 100.
6 Wisconsin Badgers: The Wicker Man (2006)
144 Points || H 5 || L 9 || LW 6 || Change 0
There was a time when Wisconsin had some very good teams and the offense was scary to go against. 1973's The Wicker Man was a highly acclaimed horror film. The more modern interpretations of these have not been so well-received. Wisconsin's offense, which once inspired fear, inspires the kind of cynical giggling that Nicolas Cage's outrageous performance does in the 2006 remake of the horror classic. It's not all bad though, the defense will still punch you in the face while wearing a bear suit.I wonder if they're worried about a bowl against Georgia Tech? NOT THE BEES!
7 Penn State Nittany Lions: Catwoman
120 Points || H 5 || L 9 || LW 9 || Change +2
Perhaps this is not quite as bad as some of the initial reactions would lead you to believe, but it does feature a central character that looked pretty promising coming into it. Will Christian Hackenberg's career end up destroyed by a cat-related starring role?
8 Minnesota Golden Gophers: Caddyshack II
112 Points || H 4 || L 10 || LW 10 || Change +2
Minnesota is trying to recapture the magic of last year's campaign without Maxx Williams and David Cobb. Sounds kind of like trying to recapture the magic of Caddyshack without Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, Michael O'Keefe and Ted Knight. Perhaps they can take better advantage of their returning cast than did the ill-fated sequel. There's still time to make the script good!
9 Illinois Fighting Illini: Batman & Robin
101 Points || H 7 || L 12 || LW 8 || Change -1
This choice is more of an homage to Tim Beckman than anything else. There's talent in this movie, much like last year's Illini roster, but also like Illinois' talent, it was obscured by a cartoonish presence that was impossible to take seriously. Like George Clooney, this Illinois team is somehow escaping from that debacle. Just like Clooney's reputation doesn't resemble his Batman role, this year's Illini don't resemble the Fighting Beckmans anymore.
10 Indiana Hoosiers: Howard the Duck
82 Points || H 8 || L 11 || LW 7 || Change -3
Indiana Football is a niche thing that's not been exposed to a wide audience, but when it was brought out in public last week, things went horribly wrong. Things that made Indiana great like Sudfeld and Howard were absent from Beaver Stadium, and so it ended up looking ridiculous and leaving people unfamiliar with it asking "what the hell is that thing supposed to be?" Howard the Duck had this problem in that its film adaptation lacked the elements that made it great and looked like a mess due to being mysteriously live-action. Look at that thing.
11 Nebraska Cornhuskers: Gigli
67 Points || H 9 || L12 || LW 11 || Change 0
Nebraska was supposed to be big-time. Unlike some of these other movies, Gigli was a big-budget major motion picture with some top-level talent and had national recognition like Nebraska football. Three weeks in, it was removed from theaters and went down in history as one of the most expensive flops ever. Ben Affleck is probably a really nice guy though. Mike Rilllley's Huskers enter week three of conference play at Minnesota...
12 Rutgers Scarlet Knights: Troll 2
48 Points || H 9 || L 13 || LW 13 || Change +1
Rutgers nearly trolled the hell out of Michigan State, but spiking the ball on fourth down made Rutgers fans once more yell "OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!"
13 Purdue Boilermakers: Plan 9 from Outer Space
29 Points || Last Place Votes 7 || H 11 || L 14 || LW 12 || Change -1
Purdue's ineptitude has at times been interpreted as secret brilliance (in the MSU game), but make no mistake, this team is not good. Like Purdue, Plan 9 from Outer Space is often considered to be one of the worst movies ever, but in my opinion, it's not quite the bottom of the barrel. Is Darrell Hazell the Ed Wood of football?
14 Maryland Terrapins: Manos: The Hands Of Fate
26 Points || LPV 9 || H 10 || L 14 || LW 14 || Change 0
The honor of last place goes to the 1966 classic Manos: The Hands Of Fate. The whole thing is an unwatchable mess. Recorded on a camera with a 32-second shot limit, directed by a man with no experience in movies, featuring a nine-minute driving scene meant to be a backdrop for opening credits that never appeared.
Behold: Maryland's new fight song.