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Week 7 Mail Bag - The "Is Iowa Douchey" Edition

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In which we address the burning questions...How Douchy are Iowa Fans Now? Where'd all the Wolverines Go? And How Many Coaching Vacancies Will the B1G Have in the Offseason?

Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports

Here's the latest installment of the Mail Bag. We attack some tough questions...let's jump right in, shall we?

Q: Are the injury gods real and, if so, how can we placate them? - 87 Rides A Surfboard

Townie: I think luck/gods are fickle buggers. I’ve seen too many kids get hurt doing almost nothing, for me to believe that it’s purely physiological. AIRBHG is real. As for placating them, well not much has worked for me. I’ve worn every combination of clothes that I own, changed the beer that I drink, changed my game day routines. Nothing seems to work…

Creighton: Keep it down you fool, AIRBHG can hear everything we say! I suspect he (or she) does things for no reason other than the pure sadism of it. You can’t satisfy that kind of appetite. I’ve been trying some weird voodoo at home to pass him (or her) off to Nebraska, but no success yet.

GF: Sacrifice your starting tailback at the beginning of the year, just to be safe. Or in Michigan’s case, every year for about five years. Eventually, the injuries and terrible line play that befell Brandon Minor, Derrick Green, Drake Johnson, Fitz Toussaint, Michael Shaw, et all, will create so much pity from AMRBHG that you will be flush with talented, uninjured halfbacks.

Stew:  OF COURSE THEY’RE REAL!!  And the only way I’ve seen that placates them is to completely abandon that position.  I mean, Iowa ran a FB for 3 years, and AIRBHG wasn’t an issue.  This year?  We’ve had our opening day starter with a high ankle sprain, the back up with a horrible ankle sprain, the 3rd string be suspended for unspecified reasons for a game, and then get injured for multiple games, come back, and injured almost immediately.  And the 4th stringer can’t hold onto the ball or maintain a reasonable weight.

Speth: No and you're all crazy. You're belief in voodoo will be your undoing. Although I'm covering my bases just in case and knocking on all the wood that Corey Clement and/or Taiwan Deal comes back this week.

Q: Which is the better coaching vacancy, Illinois or Maryland? - Somedumbguy

Townie: I’ll admit that I have an east coast bias. But I think Maryland has the potential to be a really good football school, now that they aren’t in the ACC. Because the ACC and football go together like fruit and beer, amirite?

Anyway, it’s a great location for recruiting. They should compete for kids up and down the east coast. It has a good sports culture generally, fielding competitive soccer, basketball, and lacrosse teams.

It just needs a good coach to come in, spend a few years recruiting, and build a winning team. Oh, and the fans need to shut their whiny fucking mouths while he’s doing it.

Creighton: Southern Cal.

It’s Maryland, and not really close.  This is not a compliment for MD.  IL is a giant fucking mess.  The state is broke, the athletic administration is a mess, the school administration is even worse, the facilities suck, the admission standards are high, and Champbana is an utter shithole.  The recruiting ground is alright, but not really any better than MD.  MD at least has a mega donor.

Speth: Who cares? Both USCs are head and shoulders better jobs. You people should be thanking the stars Charlie Strong probably saved his job by beating Oklahoma. Neither school will be in the 5 best P5 openings when all is said and done

Q: How many coaching vacancies will the B1G have this offseason? - Staff

Townie: I’m going with just three...Illinois (obvs), Maryland, and possibly Purdue. I think Rutgers hangs on to their coach (surprise, surprise).

Creighton: 4. Maryland for sure. Purdue will probably replace Hazell. Illinois will probably shop around a bit even if they do end up staying with Cubit. Leonte Carroo will save Flood’s job, but I’m taking Harbaugh to the NFL as a wild card.

Speth: 4. Illinois, Maryland, Purdue, and Rutgers. If Flood doesn't get canned for running a shitshow program with barely mediocre results you're really proving you don't belong in this conference.

Q: Was the Indianapolis Fake Punt sunday the worst play in NFL history? - Staff

Townie: Holy hell, these coaches/players make way too much money for their actual skillz. Can you fucking believe they snapped that ball?

C4B: I watched it happen, and I still have no idea why it happened. Chuck Pagano probably has no idea why it happened. Griff Whalen may know, but I doubt he’s gonna tell anyone. But worst play ever seems incorrect. Worst play design ever, maybe, but worst play? Top 5 at best.

Creighton: I think it has to be. It’s worse than the butt fumble. Worse than Orlovsky’s safety. Worse than Sage Rosenfels fumbling while trying to hurdle 3 defenders at the same time. Still though, there was a failed punt on saturday that was probably a little more devastating.

Speth: If Ron Zook was their special teams coordinator that wouldn't have happened. You don't see us pulling that shit in Green Bay. Worst play ever? Philly converting on 4th and 26 in the playoffs against the Packers was worse. This was just dumb. That play was a breakdown on EVERY SINGLE LEVEL. IN THE PLAYOFFS.

Q: Will Bo Pelini be the next Maryland Head Coach? - ckstevenson

Townie: Oh man, this would be so great. Instant Nebraska rivalry. It would be like when Spurrier went to South Carolina, only better, because Pelini got canned for "only" winning nine games a year. Oh please, please make this happen!

Creighton: I think it would be a good fit. There are some good fans in College Park, but they aren’t nearly as loud (read: delusional) as the fans in Lincoln. 9-4 at Maryland is a decent season. Less complaining about Bo, less Bo pushing back and being a tool.

MNW: I want this to happen. So badly. But because it’s Maryland, I’m sure they’ll find some retread from the Northeast who I don’t care about.

Stew:  It would be pretty awesome, but no.  A coach leaving after just one season is really, really rare, and to predict such a thing isn’t prudent.  Also, He’s still paid by UNL, and is an Ohio boy back home working under Tressel.  He’ll be there for a little while, and pick his spot to come back to a major job.

Speth: No. For about 53914853 reasons. I just don't see him coaching in the Big Ten again unless it's at OSU down the road. He's gonna let Nebraska pay him til he gets a shot at an elite job. No Big Ten school with an opening in the near future is even a great job, yet alone elite. Unless all the tin foil hat people are right and Barry really is running coaches off, because then we'll need one soon.

Q: Where’d all the Wolverines go? - Mr. Brown1

Townie: I believe they are all hunting punters.

Creighton: I think you’re looking in the wrong place, because my Twitter feed is full of people explaining why a 2 loss Michigan deserves to be in the playoffs.

MNW: I don’t know...probably back to Walmart?

Speth: Creighton, that sounds a lot like MSU fans last year #bestlossesinthecountryorsomebullshit

They're probably all listening to late 90s alternative music... HOW LONG, HOW LONG WILL I SLIDE, SEPARATE MY SIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE

Q: On a scale of 1 to Dantonio, how douchey are Iowa fans acting in their one year of relevance in the last 6? - bschim23.1

Townie: Well, I have to give them some leeway on this. Acting douchey in our eyes is just celebrating their wins to them. Wait until they start taking shots at MSU and OSU or talking shit about their superiority. I haven’t seen that yet, and that’s pretty douchey. I’m going pretty low on the scale right now.

Creighton:

/confused by question

/notices the question came from a Nebraska fan

/laughs at the irony

/moves on to next question


Stew:  FUCK YOU, WE’RE IOWA!

Speth: On a scale of one to Dantonio they're definitely a Pelini. Obnoxious and annoying when you have to confront them, but not really a threat to anything you're doing /wisconsinscoredagain

Well, there you have it. Your burning questions answered. Feel free to discuss below and give us more questions for next week.

Your Friends*,

The OTE "Writers"

*Actually I (Townie) am your friend. I'm not sure if I'd trust the rest of these...people.