When I was a kid, I used to beg my parents to buy me books from the book fliers. I'd take the stupid easy-to-rip thin brochure to my parents and plead my case for needing, "Science Experiments with Household Stuff for Kids," and that the meager pricetag of $19.99 would be a lifetime of learning and scholarships. While I was rarely successful - in that, I was never successful - I do remember getting a Guinness Book of World Records. I wish I still had that book. It was awesome. I'm pretty sure I read that thing cover-to-cover. For a kid with a huge imagination, no friends, and a weird social anxiety thing, that book was gold. It was basically a who's who of insane, can't believe this happened, stuff.
Which, speaking of insane, can't believe this happened, stuff... How about last week? In the same weekend we could have called Indiana the biggest loser, we also saw The Great Ann Arbor Disaster, Nebraska wallop a team it was an underdog to, Iowa get to 7-0, and Ohio State maybe finally picking a QB. I consistently found myself saying, 'WUT?'* over and over. It was just like me reading that 1992 Guinness Book of World Records. Note, all records taken from the ridiculously entertaining site, www.guinnessworldrecords.com.
So, in honor of the crazy weekend, we're going with those crazy World Records this week. There were 14 voters this week and the points are scored as normal. 14 points for a first place vote, 13 for a second, and so on. I've listed points, first place votes, last place votes, high vote, low vote, last week, and change from last week. If you can't figure out which number is which, well, I don't know what to tell you. Lastly, I've included insertname's pretty great graphs again. Also, here's a cumulative graph because cumulative is fun!
*So I texted Graham about the Michigan game after it happened. Obviously there is no coverage because LOL 100,000 people in one space, but I got a text that just said 'w' back. Later, he sent the OTE writers a Slack message that just said, 'wut'. I'm imagining a stunned Graham just texting people back some form of "wut" one by one in absolute defeat.Sorry Graham... I've been there, though. I get it.
The fastest time to eat a muffin without using the hands is 28.18 seconds, and was achieved by Kyle Thomas Moyer (USA), in Coopersburg, Pennsylvania, USA, on 19 November 2013.
196 Points || 14 FPV || H 1 || L 1 || LW 1 || Change 0
I watch Ohio State play football and think, "Man, it must be difficult to watch a team struggle to multiple score wins while desperately trying to fuel an offense that has plug and play QBs that are arguably each uniquely better than every other team's QB." Then I think, "Man, it must be weird that Ohio State is trying to eat a muffin without hands in the first place. Perhaps it would be less of a struggle to just, you know, use your
J.T. Barrett hands and throttle the opponent."
The most dominoes toppled in a circle bomb is 54,321 and was achieved by Sinners Domino Entertainment (Germany), at the Wilhelm-Lückert-Gymnasium in Büdingen, Germany, on 16 August 2014.
178 Pts || H 2 || L 4 || LW 3 || Change +1
One night I spent like an hour watching YouTube video after YouTube video of people setting up these World Record dominoes toppling things. The thing is, when it all comes together perfectly, it's amazing, but the 'behind the scenes' part shows that you mess up one part and the whole thing goes to hell. To take it to the Wolverines again, Michigan State needed the stars to align. Then they did. I still have no idea what happened in Ann Arbor, and I am guessing that both sides will call it something different. Either way, as an outsider, it was entertaining. As entertaining as the video above.
The most dangerous ant in the world is the bulldog ant (Myrmecia pyriformis) found in coastal regions in Australia. In attack it uses its sting and jaws simultaneously. There have been at least three human fatalities since 1936, the latest a Victorian farmer in 1988.
167 Pts || H 2 || L 4 || LW 4 || Change 1
Sure, why not Iowa? You are inexplicably the third best team in the conference, and maybe the second best depending on what factors into your metrics. So why are you the most dangerous ant? Because a lot of people still aren't convinced your team is, you know, all that unbeatable. You have a lot of fill-in guys on the line, and is your offense really plug and play like it has looked like? I'm guessing your answer is yes. And you'll be just like the bulldog ant, which... this video... this ant is mean.
The most torches extinguished in 30 seconds with the mouth is 39 and was achieved by Hubertus Wawra (Germany) on the set of Guinness World Records - Ab India Todega in Mumbai, India, on 21 February 2011.
159 Pts || H 2 || L 4 || LW 2 || Change -2
I've watched this whole fire eating thing and it's really impressive. I am sure there's some science to it, but it just kind of feels like magic, you know? It's sort of like the way the Big House went from flaming ball of excitement to silence in a matter of - oh... I don't know - ten seconds? If they had a Guinness Record for change in decibels, Michigan fans might have broken that on Saturday. Also, this dude put out 39 torches in 30 seconds. Wow.
The record for most wooden toilet seats broken with the head in a minute is 46 achieved by Kevin Shelley (USA) on the set of Guinness World Records - Die größten Weltrekorde in Cologne, Germany, on 1 September 2007.
134 Pts || H 5 || L 10 || LW 6 || Change 1
Your season has actually been fairly impressive thus far and outside of the multi-fumble inside Iowa's red zone (and the Alabama bludgeoning), you're exactly where you'd hope to be more or less. The thing is, just like breaking a bunch of wooden toilet seats with your head, has it been all that interesting? Moreover, is it something you feel good about at the end of the day? I don't know how you'll answer that, but go watch that video and feel inspired.
The Peking Acrobats, of Peking, China, managed to create a chair stack 6.4 m (21 ft) high, with six people stacked onto seven chairs, holding a handstand for a full five seconds, on the set of Guinness World Records: Primetime , in Los Angeles, California, USA on 16 October 1999.
108 Pts || H 6 || L 9 || LW 11 || Change 5
Chair? Chair. Chair.
I realize that beating what is most likely a .500 team is probably nothing to get too excited about, but didn't it look like Nebraska almost knows what it's doing out there? We'll take it. And I mean, was there really any other record I could put here? I didn't think so.
The longest indoor freefall lasted 4 hr 22 min 20 sec and was jointly achieved by Lawrence Koh (Singapore) and Kristopher Reynolds (USA) at iFLY Singapore, Singapore, on 15 May 2014.
105 Points || H 5 || L 9 || LW 5 || Change -2
I have never been to one of these indoor freefall machines, but they do intrigue me. Like, firstly because you're volunteering to just sort of 'fall in place' for a long time and then do what? Like, walk off all cool? I mean, skydiving makes sense to me because there is a beginning, middle, and end, but the whole indoor thing seems just off to me. I could be wrong. Anyhow, this whole exercise feels very much like Northwestern's season. Sure, they could at least be cratering with some gusto, but instead it just seems like they're content to freefall in perpetuity. I'd like to point out that this seems eerily like that time they got to third in our Power Poll, faced Ohio State on gameday and, well, you know... That didn't end well either.
The longest flying disc throw caught by a dog is 122.5 m (402 ft) by Robert McLeod to Davy Whippet (both Canada) in Thorhild, Alberta, Canada on 14 October 2012.
100 Points || H 6 || L 11 || LW 7 || Change -1
Let's see... You've got the intangibles. You've got the ability to throw that
football disc a mile. People will praise you for your accomplishments, as ridiculous as they may be. Wait, what's that? Longest flying disc throw caught by a dog is a metaphor for the Christian Hackenberg experience? Does that come complete with crippling indecision and lack of instincts? But seriously, it's nice that the Nittany Lions have discovered a run game finally, but this team looks in over its head against good competition. Maybe James Franklin gets it right next time around, but man... remember when we thought Hackenberg was good? Seems like a long time ago.
The most chainsaw juggling catches is 94 and was achieved by Ian Stewart (Canada) at the Hants County Exhibition in Windsor, Nova Scotia, Canada on 25 September 2011.
Ian used 3 Zenoah G2000T chainsaws which were fully engaged during the attempt, as per the guidelines. He took just approximately 37 seconds to complete this.
9. Illinois Fighting Illini - Most chainsaw juggling catches
93 Pts || H 5 || L 12 || LW 9 || Change 0
For the record, I think this is a criminally underrated position for Illinois, who has more or less overachieved to date. Considering they fired their coach days before the season, you have to hand it to the Illini. Yes, they are just forgotten because of BYE, but they did not lose to BYE and probably should be like seven or eight. That said, they get to be the chainsaw juggler because a) Doesn't it just feel like this team is juggling chainsaws, or at least trying to keep multiple things that could destroy the entire program, and b) because this is super cool and I hate to admit how cool Illinois has been in the face of adversity. Congratulations Illinois, you have a really cool Guinness World Record.
The most beer bottles opened by chainsaw in one minute is 18 and was achieved by John Nicholson (USA) in Florida, USA, on 1 June 2014.
Two bottles shattered during attempt and were not counted towards the final total for the record.
79 Pts || H 6 || L 12 || LW 8 || Change -2
Everything seemed like it was going to be okay when the season started. Sure, you lost to TCU, but a lot of teams are going to lose to TCU and you played them respectable. Then injuries started piling up and now you're staring down the barrel of a rough year. While it might not be the most effective way to do things, your're using a chainsaw to get those suckers opened. With how many you're going to need to drink after watching film of the Nebraska game, I can't blame you for using a chainsaw.
The longest duration balancing on two balance boards is 6 minutes and 48 seconds and was achieved by Silvio Sabba (Italy) in Milan, Italy, on 8 July 2015.
This record is for the longest time an individual can continuously stand on two balance boards, one on top of the other. For the purposes of this record, two boards and two rocks must be used. The order must be: rock, board, rock, board.
I'm going to go ahead and assume that the, "Wait for the other team to implode as you hopelessly watch the score get really large and then coming back" gameplan is not long for this world. That said, with Caroo back in the fold, I can't help but think you're going to cheat that tough balancing act. It's hard to balance the 'lucky' with the 'good' but it seems to be your thing. Keep on keeping on Flood and Company.
The volcanic explosion of Mt. St. Helens on May 18, 1980, triggered the fastest recorded avalanche in history on the mountains north slope. The velocity reached was 402.3km/h 250mph.
12. Indiana Hoosiers - Fastest avalanche
48 Pts || H 8 || L 13 || LW 10 || Change -2
I get it, you still don't understand what happened either. The worst part? Everyone is fixating on Michigan's punting woes so you don't even get the, "oh... Indiana. Oh no." pat on the back that almost makes it okay. No, instead, you went from something like 98% likely to win to losing before you could say, "wait, didn't we almost have a serviceable defense a second ago?" This game caved in on you, just like the avalanche caused by a volcanic explosion - see Rutgers' offense - on Mt. St. Helens. Of course, as philosophizers have pondered for years, if no one witnessed the Indiana carnage, was it really carnage?
The longest time spinning on a wheel of death without interruptions was 24 hours and was achieved by Joey Kelly and Freddy Nock on the set of the charity programme "RTL-Spendenmarathon 2006" on 23/ 24 November 2006. During the attempt the couple covered a distance equivalent to 135,3 Km (84.07 m) rotating 9,088 times.
22 Pts || 7 LPV || H 12 || L 14 || LW 14 || Change 1
This sounds like one of those really bad ideas that a person gets after a few too many hits of Old Bay and Vodka. Maryland got a week off from the insanity to fire its coach and forget about how well they played against Ohio State. If running on top of a spinning 'Wheel of Death' doesn't sound like Maryland football, I'm not sure what you're seeing. This team could very well not win a Big Ten game after this, so if you're into that kind of thing, this is the team for you.
David Morgan (UK) has a collection of 137 different traffic cones.
He owns a cone from about two thirds of all types ever made.
21 Points || 7 LPV || H 13 || L14 || LW13 || Change -1
When I read through all of the records that Guinness has compiled, I have to stop myself and ask, "Why?" One of the more obscure and ultimately ridiculous - in that it's something I did accidentally in Jr. High - is collecting traffic cones. Like, what do you do with those? Do you have a really cool museum to admire your traffic cones? Do you use them functionally? Are their special edition traffic cones? These answers probably could be answered, but I'm assuming it's just like Purdue football. Sure, there's some logic in what you're putting on the field. Oh, and yeah, it sort of feels like this could be cool if it gets put together right. But uh, ultimately, you're just a guy with a bunch of traffic cones, and well, let's just say things are still not going well, Purdue. Maybe you just need a new hobby. I hear basketball is fun.