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Your Weekly Mailbag - "Passing the Hat for Mike Riley's Buyout" Edition

Each week you ask us random questions and we come up with outlandish answers. Do the Texans dump BOB? Does Purdue? And what tastes best with bleach? And are we your friends? Really? If you ever wanted the answers to these questions, then look no further...

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You asked and we answered...Here's the latest batch of Mail answered. Remember, put your questions for next week in the comments.

Q: Will BOB Remain Coach of the Texans after 2015? - K_Sull (kind of…)

Townie: I don’t know. That Miami game was a bad loss...down 41-0 at the half, ugh.  Texan fans aren’t known for their patience and generosity of spirit. And when you compound that with the Ryan Mallett incident, it’s getting ugly.

They’ve only played 2 divisional games and are 1-1 now. They are tied with the awful Jacksonville Jaguars in the division right now. He needs to come in second in the division, because the AFC South is terrible. There are 9 teams in the AFC with better records, including a bad Oakland Raiders team. I think he needs to finish middle of the pack and second in the division to keep his job at this point.

C4B: He can stay as long as he wants to. MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

MNW: I literally do not care

Stew:  I agree with my esteemed colleague, MNW.

AK: A former Belichick protege, struggling to leave the nest? You don’t say. Best indication he’s gone will be if Houston says something other than ‘yes, we’re going to fire him if this doesn’t turn around.’ How do I know that? Because today, Lions coach Jim Caldwell says, after yet another loss to move to 1-6 on the season, that there will be no changes; team IMMEDIATELY fires offensive coordinator and OL coach. Never has there been a more perfect synergy between coachspeak and disingenuous corporate gobbledegook than, well, everything said by everyone affiliated with the NFL. Why are we asking? Penn State fans getting hopeful for a reunion or something?

GF3: Sources say no.

WSR: I’m confused. What sport is this question about?

AY: I’ve always thought that it’s still to fire a coach before he finds a stable quarterback, but coaches get fired all the time because their quarterbacks are bad. Maybe O’Brien will come back to Penn State and turn Christian Hackenberg into Matt McGloin!

Q: Does Rutgers Mascot Even Lift? - Bagels are for Champions

Townie: He’s from Jersey, of course he lifts. Plus he has a closet full of Joe Weider’s Mega Mass protein powder, DIY tanning gel, and a lifetime subscription to Flex magazine.

LPW: He’s a roided up guido, so yeah he lifts.

Ray Ransom: GTL, every day. Plus, he’s just the class clown. You see the real knight?

Stew:  I bet he skips leg day.

AK: One presumes he tries, but without better facilities he, like his team’s defensive front, will remain #foreversmall.

GF3: Depends which rip-off mascot you’re talking about. Their Sparty ripoff might, but not as much as Sparty himself. Their Black Knight ripoff definitely doesn’t. He ain’t pulling the sword from the stone.

AY: Real Knight or GTFO. Fake Knight is a pansy.

Q: Will Penn State win another game this year? - C.E. Bell

Townie: I’m a superstitious guy. The last thing I do is talk shit about another team before we actually play them. It’s like getting ready to go out on a boat and talking shit about the weather. It probably doesn’t matter, but you look like an ass if you’re wrong.

That said, I think we get to 8 wins this year. To do that, we need to split our next four games. Penn State has a talented football team. Getting them all on the same page at the same time (ahem...coaches) hasn’t happened yet. But if it does, look out.

MNW: Goddamnit, Chad.

Stew:  Uh, sure, why not.  To pick a date at random, the game on November 7th.

AK: Huehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehue

GF3: Yes. They’re a talented team and Saquon Barkley is a beast-in-waiting. With some better play-calling and Hack throwing lights-out like he did against Maryland, another win will come easily.

AY: We might beat Illinois, but that game is a toss-up. After that? Probably not! At least against Maryland the passing game showed that it’s capable of making big plays when an opponent sells out to stop Saquon Barkley and the run game. That will help out against the tough defenses ahead, but it’s not going to be as easy to go over the top against Northwestern and the Michigan teams. I’m optimistic, so I say PSU still has two wins left, but I don’t know where they’re coming from.

Q: Which distilled spirits mix best with bleach? - atomiclawnchair

Townie: Well, you are a Nebraska fan, so I’d stick with corn.

LPW: Ask Bschim

MNW: Vermouth, for a nice bleachtini. Garnish with two poison pellet-stuffed olives.

Stew:  I subscribe to the Churchill theory on bleachtinis, which is to say, to glance at the vermouth from across the room, also, twist of lemon, twist of lime.  Bleachtinis are more of an formal drink, though.  Personally, I prefer bleach and tonics most of the time.

AK: The proper B1G fan takes his bleach neat, or with at most two detergent gel pacs.

GF3: Ask a Purdue fan. This is their area of greatest expertise.

WSR: Hemlock.

Q: Is Mike Riley the next Randy Edsall? - ziowa9

Townie: No, Mike’s a nicer guy.

LPW: Dunno

MNW: What the fuck is a Randy Edsall?

Stew:  No, he’s the new Old Kirk Ferentz.  Which is kinda like a Fitz, but not on cocaine.

AK: No, Edsall actually accomplished something at his previous coaching stop before failing in the B1G. That’s right Husker fans, I just implied you’d have been better off with Randy Edsall.

GF3: In what way? Edsall beat his team’s hated rival. That doesn’t seem to be a thing that Nebraska itself is interested in doing, so I wouldn’t expect Riley to change that. Or were you asking whether he’ll dress like a middle school wrestling coach for games? Survey says no. He has too much Oregon hipster in him to stoop to synthetic fabrics and hoodies as a matter of habit. He might pickle something, though.

WSR: Why compare him to Edsall when my comparison to Glen Mason still seems accurate.  A nicer Glen Mason, sure, but a Glen Mason.

Q: Are you really my friend? - badgersrox

Townie: Except when we play Wisconsin or if you badmouth my Lions. At those times, we shall scrap. But otherwise you like to fish?


AK: Oh...buddy.

GF3: Depends...please share your thoughts on Navy, Michigan, and Iowa’s S&C in that order…

WSR: Sure.  I made you a drink, buddy.  Just ignore the skull and crossbones on the side of the pitcher.

Q: Does Purdue? - Boilerman31

Townie: I think that should be the new Boiler motto: Purdue Does. Because they do ______.

LPW: What is [404: ERROR NOT FOUND]

Stew:  No

AK: [null set]

GF3: Who?

WSR: <incoherent mumbling>

Q: Should Nebraska use volleyball profits to pay Mike Riley’s buyout? - Bschim23.1

Townie: I hate to say it, but you guys asked for this. You kicked the douchebag winner out and hired the nice guy. You picked the headboard, bought the sheets, fluffed the pillows, even got corn stalk bedside lamps. Enjoy.

LPW: Oh ye of little faith. Give the guy at least an entire recruiting class to graduate. Or at least 3-4 years. First year coaches struggle from time to time, and I’m not surprised it’s happening at Nebraska.

Stew:  Yes, provided Eichorst gets to make the next hire.

AK: Profits from volleyball? Christ, Nebraska must be a boring place.

GF3: At $600k in annual profit, you should be able to buy him out in right around the time he’s looking at first-floor condos in Boca.

There you go, your weekly dose of enlightenment. You are welcome.

Your Friend,