B1G Power Poll Week 8: Ridiculous Halloween Costume Edition

When I became a writer for Off-Tackle Empire, the Power Poll was being curated by the one and only Ted Glover. Ted had a penchant for really bringing these things to life, and while I would argue he had it easy - in that he didn't have to come up with absurd connections to 14 teams - he was an incredibly difficult act to follow. In this, the third-ish, year I have been in charge of this crazy weekly column, my greatest accomplishments are a) terribly ridiculous music references at least twice a year, and b) holiday power polls.

Yes, it is that time of year again for the annual, "Hey, it's this holiday coming up so Jesse is going to write that as a tie-in to what is going on in Big Ten football" power poll. This truly is my favorite time of the year. Of course, part of that is because coming up with holiday tie-ins are much easier than say, school supply power polls, but then again, maybe I shouldn't be trying that in the first place. Anyhow, it is finally time - after a few years mulling over the idea - that we are breaking out the big guns for Halloween. That's right, it's the Big Ten Power Poll: RIDICULOUS HALLOWEEN COSTUME EDITION!

Look, I'm as excited about this as I am about Monday's cliffhanger on Gravity Falls, which is to say that this is a great day. A. Great. Day.

As a quick point of order, there were 17 (!!!) voters this week. I invited OTE regular hoegher to add his rankings into our power poll for a little bit of diversity into our numbers. It's week 8, I think you get the whole points structure by now, but 14 points for a first place vote, 13 for a second, and so on until you get to last place. That gets you one point. Oh, and let's hear it for insertname's graphs!

Are we all good on logistics? Good. Time to get dressed up, and get our Trick or Treat on! It's the B1G Power Poll, Halloween Costumes Edition!

Note: These are all from Amazon.com and there are links to the costumes if you feel like you need to buy these costumes. Let's be real... Don't go buy these costumes.

1. Ohio State Buckeyes - Peanut Butter And Jelly Set

235 Points || 16 FPV || H 1 || L 4 || LW 1 || Change 0

You are all about complimentary pieces this Halloween. Sure, most of us see you walk in the door and think, "Really? We invited them to the party?" But we both know it's because you're really attractive, you have both a good peanut butter (see: JT Barrett led offense) and jelly (see: Joey Bosa and friends defense), and we wish we were as cool as you. Just know that everyone hates you for wearing that costume, but I guess that's your thing. We're just living in the couple's costume world and need to live with it.

2. Michigan State Spartans - Women's Star Wars Darth Vader Costume

217 Points || H 2 || L 4 || LW 2 || Change 0

You're the really popular costume that doesn't quite fit the mold. I'm sure you'd like to make the argument, "But Jesse, Darth Vader is super cool and he always beat his opponents really convincingly and he like, got burned to death or something, and we have no linemen and..." Look, just like this costume is a little ridiculous - in that making Darth Vader sexy is kind of weird - you are probably skating by on beating Oregon and scoring a lot of late points against Indiana. Again, you're really popular right now, but it's probably because of what you did last year... not this year.

3. Iowa Hawkeyes - Plug and Socket Couples Costume

201 Points || H 2 || L 6 || LW 3 || Change 0

Oh hey wildly inappropriate costume, we've been waiting for you. This is one of those *shocking* costumes that's really not even all that shocking because, well, look at that guy. He feels bad about this too. Anyhow, you - like this costume - are kind of happening out of nowhere. Like, you're legitimately that costume that walks in and everyone writes you off because, "Oh, you went with the penis joke. Cool." Then a bunch of people start drinking, and by the end of the night, everyone has talked themselves into your costume as the most clever and you win a national championship. Is that how this works? Man, what a weird costume party.

4. Michigan Wolverines - Despicable Me 2 Minion Costume

193 Points || 1 FPV || H 1 || L 6 || LW 4 || Change 0

Another wildly popular costume choice, I'm assuming you bought this one before the season even started. Look, I get that those little guys are endearing, and we would be remiss to talk about their resourcefulness under the guide of the right megalomaniacs... But, come on, beyond being predictable, you also are dressing up as something that has a penchant for mistakes at the worst possible times. Quick follow up on the costume itself, can we talk about how ridiculous all non-foam versions of minions look? Like, no, you don't look like a minion when you put goggles and a yellow shirt on. Nice try costume people, but I could have made this one out of Goodwill finds for $3 tops. Also... I have a new Etsy idea.

5. Wisconsin Badgers - Women's Disney Pixar Toy Story Jessie

165 Points || H 4 || L 8 || LW 5 || Change 0

You're another one of those former winners of a costume that is just trying to go for the flashy 'sexy' version so people pay attention. But we're not buying it. You're a facsimile of the Pixar classic, and while we realize you keep putting out winners, the window dressing makes me think you have something to compensate for. Also, this is not a Jessie costume. This is a cowboy outfit made out of cheap materials that Amazon is going to sell to you for $100. How this became a thing is beyond me.

6. Northwestern Wildcats - Nerds Tank Dress

151 Points || H 5 || L 8 || LW 7 || Change 1

...

wut

...

First off, let's just talk about how this exists. Before I make snarky jokes about Northwestern being Nerds and something about cut-rate candy or whatever, we need to talk about this existing. One of my fears of doing a Halloween costume Power Poll was that it would end up being some terrible, sexist, poll that I would feel bad about. Turns out that we don't really need to go there. This has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with the reality that somebody, somewhere was like, "Oh hey, wouldn't it be cool to create a skin-tight dress with a Nerds box plastered across it?" No, not it would not be cool Mr. Person. Sexy Nerds box does not need to exist.

Now where was I? Oh yeah. You're purple, sweet and tart depending on opponent, kind of a downer for even your biggest fans, and hey, you're popular enough to be sold on Amazon. Forgetting, for a second, that you lost two games by like, 100 points (estimate), you are still in a long shot for the Big Ten West title, so all is not lost. Oh, and you're Prime eligible. So you've got that going for you. Note, I'm probably going to be down on the rest of the costumes and teams from here on out.

7. Penn State Nittany Lions - Tooth Fairy and Tooth Adult Costume

135 Points || H 4 || L 10 || LW 8 || Change 1

This is the sort of costume a person ends up with when their significant other waits until the last second to pick something up from the store. Only, when you get there, that person talked themselves into how cool a tooth with a 'crown' is. The problem here? No, it's not cool. Sure, the costume has the measurables and as a whole the Tooth Fairy/Tooth combo talks a big game, but you know what? You're overrated and nothing is going to change the fact that your decision making is suspect in this situation. Also, nobody looks that happy wearing either of these costumes. Oh, and is he wearing jeans with his tooth costume? If women are told to wear leggings or tights or whatever, I think it's only fair that we start asking guys to wear tights too. I'm an equal opportunity hater of dumb costume ideas.

8. Illinois Fighting Illini - World's Worst Men's Popeye Costume

115 Points || H 7 || L 13 || LW 9 || Change 1

You are that guy who won that costume party game that one time a few years back, right? I think you wore an Archie costume and kept talking about how you remember how great Dick Butkus was? I don't know. See, here's the problem with being Popeye. First off, he was known for engaging in sketchy PED behavior before we even knew what PEDs were. Then, he would get all ragey and beat up that sailor guy to impress the girl. Eventually his PEDs would wear off and all you were left with was these foam muscles and this self-belief that you could beat someone actually good. But we all know that's not true. Mostly because we're all sure Nebraska isn't very good.

9. Nebraska Cornhuskers - Toro the Terri-bull

103 Points || H 7 || L 11 || LW 6 || Change -3

Last year, you came as the Cat in the Hat and everyone thought it was hilarious. Sure, you ended up getting in a fight with that guy in a zebra outfit, and I'm pretty sure you dared that party host to throw you out - and he did - but it was all fun and games, right? Wrong. Now you have Toro the Terri-bull and... well, it's not ideal. You look bad. Like, not even the endearing bad that kind of gets a chuckle because LOL North Texas, but more of the, "WHY AREN'T YOU BETTER THAN YOU ARE?" type of bad. Bonus points for the hooves though. Let's be honest, that probably is a good metaphor for the Nebraska 'hands' team this year. Mainly, they don't have any.

10. Minnesota Golden Gophers - The Worst Jurassic World T-Rex Costume

87 Points || H 8 || L 13 || LW 10 || Change 0

It sounded good on paper. You were going to be a terrifying, branded, menace. People would think your costume was intimidating and the snarl on your face would show people you meant business. Unfortunately, you didn't realize that the mask doesn't go all the way on and when you throw the ball, people audibly laugh at you. Hey, it's okay big guy, those scales and muscles almost look real. It was fun to have all the trophies for a year, but I think you'll be giving quite a few away.

Note: This really is the most absurd dinosaur costume ever, right? Awkward skin coloration, really bad shape, the aforementioned small mask in comparison to body, and no claws on the hands. I give the costume a D+.

11. Indiana Hoosiers - Bacon and Eggs

67 Points || H 9 || L 13 || LW 12 || Change 1

The egg makes sense. It looks like a fried egg, cooked sunny side up with a nice runny yolk. It's competent, gets a lot of points for creativity - and ability to beat opposing defenses at will - and it holds up its end of the bargain. My issue is the bacon. Is it a pile of bacon? Is that sizzling? Is it a vest of bacon? Seriously, what is going on and why has it failed eggs so much? Like, eggs is out here doing all it can and Bacon mails it in while everyone else gets votes for best costume. Frying pan - an essential part of this equation - isn't here right now, but he's polishing his resume for when this combo fails again.

12. Maryland Terrapins - Hot Dog Costume

50 Points || H 7 || L 13 || LW 13 || Change 1

We like you hot dog costume guy. Your friendly enough, have shared your beer, and you more or less are harmless. Except that, you know, you wore a freaking hot dog costume out in public. Sure, you represent a carcinogen agent that should probably scare more of us than it does, but you also aren't exactly a beacon of excellence. I thought it was cute the way you got the guts to ask out the prettiest girl at the party, but you didn't close, did you. Know why? Because your hot dog costume guy. It's hard to take him seriously. Also worth noting, part of me thinks you just throw that football jersey on and people will let that slide as your crazy outfit.

13. Rutgers Scarlet Knights - Big Foot

26 Points || 2 LPV || H 11 || L 14 || LW 11 || Change -2

"I would like a Big Foot costume please."

//waits for costume to arrive, gets beat by 30 points//

IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE! MY BIG FOOT COSTUME IS FINALLY HERE! IT'S... THIS?

You are trying really hard to make people notice you, but this was probably a bad choice for a costume in the first place. Sure, it's funny, has a nice personality, and will get a good group of people around it to make it feel better about itself. But in the end, you decided to dress up as a foot. Is that really the impression you're trying to give to all your new friends? No? I didn't think so. Punny or not, this costume is bad.

14. Purdue Boilermakers - Women's Hasbro Game Mr./Mrs. Potato Head Costume Kit

20 Points || 15 LPV || H 12 || L 14 || LW 14 || Change 0

I'm sure the costume design guy was like, "Hey, I bet EVERYONE will want to be Mr./Mrs. Potato Head with the right costume." Which, that really isn't a bad thought. A well executed, well coached team could be very compelling and win awards. The problem here is that this was neither well executed or well coached. This is a mess. It's just a t-shirt with velcro and some cardboard face shapes. It looks nothing like a Mr. Potato Head. We might as well have made a potato head out of a potato instead of this crazy thing. A cut-rate version of a Medicare design? Ladies and gentlemen, your 2015 Purdue Football Team.