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Week 9 Night Game Thread

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HURRY UP AND FUCKING END ALREADY, OKIE STATE-TEXAS TECH

Mike Carter-USA TODAY Sports

Hi. Fun day of games, wasn't it? I slept through most of Iowa-Maryland, which is appropriate, because #OTEwriter and all. But I woke up in time for Will Likely's monster kickoff return touchdown, so I'll use that and nothing else when crafting a narrative to remind you all, in the words of the immortal hoegher, that "Iowa is trash."

Little rundown of the games which you'll no doubt skip so you can get to arguing in the comments about who's prettiest!

Penn State 39, Illinois 0

So...not great, Bill. Cubit doesn't appear to be destined for anything more than a one-year stay at the top in Chambana, as his mighty mighty offense met a brick wall in Happy Valley. Christian Hackenberg's return to potential appears to be nearing completion, and a date with a still-possibly-good Wildcats defense in Evanston should test whether his return is complete. In any regard, he went 21/29 for 266 and a pair of TDs, then caught one himself on a trick play.

Up next for Penn State: @Northwestern

Up next for Illinois: @Purdue

Purdue 55, Nebraska 45

This...this is a typo, right? Or a joke? Something called Ryker Fyfe threw for 400+ yards for Nebraska...but mixed in 4 really, really unfortunate INTs. So that's not good.

For Purdue, something called David Blough [ed. note: was this seriously a Big Ten matchup between 3-5 Nebraska and 1-6 Purdue? I don't believe you.] threw for 4 scores as the Boilers racked up 183 yards on the ground against the @vaunted Blackshirts defense.@ Anthony Brown of Purdue will win DPOTW, as he had three of those picks.

Things aren't good in Lincoln. Trainraced by a terrible, horrible, no-good-very-bad Purdue team? Welp. Nice knowing you, Mike Riley.

Up next for Nebraska: BYE

Up next for Purdue: Illinois

Wisconsin 48, Rutgers 10

Wisconsin will likely return to the rankings thanks to their boatracing (beerracing?) of the hapless Scarlet Knights, who only put in any kind of showing here thanks to the airStave Flugtag briefly crashing into an icy lake, yielding a pick-six to Rutgers.

Corey Clement's back, and he ran for 115 yards and 3 TDs on 11 carries. Too bad Wisconsin's got that loss to Iowa, or they'd probably win the B1G West. C'est la vie.

I was forced to watch most of this game, thanks to a stupid Badger girlfriend. The game looked as miserable as the view out my Milwaukee window, the Wisconsin students put in their usual half-assed showing, and this one was never in doubt.

Up next for Wisconsin: @Maryland

Up next for Rutgers: @Michigan

Iowa 31, Maryland 15

Will Likely returned a kickoff for a touchdown. That's all I saw. Ergo, Iowa's special teams were super-sloppy and their defense showed weakness for the first time in a month, allowing Maryland to move the ball seemingly at will for good chunks of the second half.

Or some other narrative. Iowa's 8-0 and the best in the country or something. Your mileage may vary.

Up next for Maryland: Wisconsin.

Up next for Iowa: I literally do not care.

Tonight!

JUGJUGJUGJUGJUGJUGJUG: #15 Michigan at Minnesota

When: NOW

Where: TCF Bank Stadium

TV?: ESPN!

But I'm not a Big Ten fan!

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