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Northwestern's coming for you, Michigan


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Caylor Arnold-USA TODAY Sports

So Michigan, a lot has changed since we met last year. You finally fired the Chris Christie lookalike who coached your team into Nebraska grade mediocrity, and hired an emotionally unbalanced angry lunatic as a head coach. A man who promptly instituted a North Korean personality cult in Ann Arbor. And yet another former Chicago Bears quarterback. Jim Harbaugh.

Your fans are so enamored of this savior that his autograph line at Big Ten Media days was seven times longer than the one for Urban Meyer. He was fawned over like the second coming of Jesus Christ! I mean shit, there's even the Jim Harbaugh bible press kit, aka Endzone, the Rise and Fall and Return of Michigan football. I bought the book, and it's a damn good read laughing at Dave Brandon's mediocrity.

I'm not here to talk about that book. Northwestern is coming to town. Get ready

So Michigan, you lost to a very good Utah team, and curb stomped BYU, UNLV, and new Big Ten bottom feeding team tv market Maryland.

I'm not impressed. And also, those of us in purple have three years of unsettled accounts to take up with you.

Let's review 2012: You guys won because Roy Roundtree caught a catch from Devin Gardner.

That was a lucky catch, and I hope Roundtree fails miserably at life. Get Fucked, Roy Roundtree.

Now let's go to 2013:

First off, Under Armour decides to outfit us in the Wounded Warrior uniforms, which was a bad omen. G43, Ted Glover and I discussed those damned abominations this summer. Those uniforms were a bad omen. Michigan's line was moving, and no matter what you say, that was not a legal kick. You damn guys got lucky, AND YOUR SPECIAL TEAMS WERE NOT SET!! YOU FUCKERS GOT LUCKY AGAIN!

That game was rainy, awful, and I was angry the entire El ride back to Lincoln Park.

And now, last year, the M00N game, the WORST FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME EVER PLAYED. I'm getting too angry to link to it because you all know what happened.

Northwestern this year, as you might've heard, is good at football. Really good. We have the best defense in the country, and it's going to humiliate Jake Rudock and Jake Butt (heh). Seriously, the best QB you guys can find is an Iowa transfer?? He's not the second coming of Chuck Long. Emulating Bert at Wisconsin is not a long-term viable program strategy, Jim.

Here's what our defense does to people. A defense led by a Michigan Man, no less!

Anthony Walker Jr will direct 3 years of pain and rage against your offense, and it's not going to be pretty. As for our offense, Clayton Thorson is learning, and as long as Justin Jackson can get his 100+ yards, we're going to run you off the field. I can't wait.

These past two years we've been dealing with Kain Colter's ill-advised unionization drive, which divided the team and put a cloud over our program. It's gone, and now we're healthy and focused on football. Now that that's behind us , we're having fun, and winning. And dancing.