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239th Annual All-Empire Awards: Offense and Special Teams

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The writer participation on this one was...astoundingly thin and the results are weird enough to reflect that

Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports

Another football season having all but come to a close, it is time for the most coveted of all awards distributions- the All-Empire Awards, distributed to the player whose team writer has demonstrated the strongest legislative whip skills most deserving candidate, of course. Votes will no longer be disclosed because we ain't the dang school board and your Open Meeting Act and FOIA nonsense can't penetrate the cloistered walls of this cabal, ese. Without further ado:

The Ted Glover Was Similar To Joe Bauserman At Quarterback QB of the Year: Nate Sudfeld, Indiana

Editorial Commentary: Sure, give the QB of the Year to some guy who dragged his team to a .500 record. The guy who's about to take the field against 'Bama, his feelings aren't hurt by that. But I see the logic. Sudfeld's a captain, I assume, that's probably what made the difference.

The Jesse Collins Did Not Play Football But Would Have Been A Running Back RB of the Year: Jordan Howard, Indiana

Editorial Commentary: One senses a certain Vanilla Coke flavor to this year's machinations. Howard did not capture a majority of the vote, which places him in the illustrious company of George W. Bush and Rutherford B. Hayes. Congratulations, Jordan.

The Ray Ransom Loves Brian Leonard Versatility in Blocking, Rushing, and Receiving Fullback of the Year: Trevon Pendleton, MSU, *AND* Andy Janovich, Nebraska

Editorial Commentary: None, really. Lead blockers are cool.

The GoAUpher Inept Tight End Turned Waterboy TE of the Year: Jake Butt, Michigan

Editorial Commentary: Hee hee, Butt.

The Franz-Filler Leaders and Legends Memorial Wide Receiver of the Year: Leonte Carroo, Rutgers

Editorial Commentary: What is a...Rootjers?

The C.E. Bell Knows Nothing About Offensive Line Play OL of the Year: Jack Allen, MSU

Editorial Commentary: Broken clocks are right twice daily.

The MNWildcat Went 6/9 on PATs Kicker of the Year Award: Griffin Oakes, Indiana, *AND* Marshall Koehn, Iowa

Editorial Commentary: One of these guys won his team a game with a last-second 57-yarder. The other arguably lost a game by missing multiple PATs and makeable FGs. But this is why we vote: so the blithering inanity of my cohort may be laid bare.

The Green Akers Only Ever Played Soccer Punter of the Year: Sam Foltz, Nebraska

Editorial Commentary: Oh yeah, I used to sensibly keep my identity a secret. Good thing I changed my mind about that? Why did I do that again?

The DJCarver But Seriously You Guys Have You Heard How Good Stefon Diggs Is Oops He's Hurt Again Returner of the Year: VACANT

Editorial Commentary: Some negligent ignoramus forgot to put this field in the spreadsheet. Was probably an intern for sure.