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All-Empire Awards: Defense, Honoraria

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Everyone sip your sodas that you're sure somebody spit in

Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports

The Mike Jones Undersized High-Motor Defensive End of the Year: Joey Bosa, OSU, *AND* Carl Nassib, PSU

Editorial Commentary: Nassib would have won this outright, but a certain Illinihilist on the panel voted for Ryan Nassib instead, who is of course Carl's brother, the former Syracuse QB.

The Hilary Lee Beast Mode Defensive Tackle of the Year: Adolphus Washington, OSU

Editorial Commentary: A man in a crushed velvet suit arrived to accept this award. Something about collecting a debt.

The Aaron Yorke Because Linebacker U or Something Linebacker of the Year: Joe Schobert, Wisconsin

Editorial Commentary: Sure, I can see this one.

The Candystripes for Breakfast Probably Would Have Been A Corner If He Played And Also Probably Would Have Improved Indiana's Defense If He Had Played For Them Cornerback of the Year: Desmond King, Iowa

Editorial Commentary: Good, now Desmond has something to offset that gaudy Thorpe Award.

The Babaoreally Hears Safety Play Is A Good Thing To Have But Has Not Observed It Firsthand In Over A Decade Safety of the Year: Vonn Bell, OSU

Editorial Commentary: Lot of consolation prizes going out to a non-division winner. Just sayin'.

The Brian Gillis I Got Nothing Because He Never Admits Anything Embarrassing Assistant Coach of the Year: 6-Way Tie

Editorial Commentary: This is clearly the millenial award. Just give everyone a trophy so their feelings aren't hurt.

The Brewster-DiNardo Golden Slapfight Coach of the Year: Kirk Ferentz, Iowa

Editorial Commentary: /chews gum

The MSUDersh Memorial Commenter of the Year: ZuzuRU, Rutgers probably

Editorial Commentary: You band nerds.