Every year star college football players from all across the country play in the East-West bowl. I was able to record the player introductions for this year's game on my computer*
Please watch these videos before you read further if you haven't seen them already.
You've seen the videos, right? Good!
This year's East-West bowl features several star players from the Big Ten. *
OffTackleEmpire is here to tell you all about these guys! **
All of this is completely 100% Factual! ***
And now, to the players!
Coznesster Smiff, Rutgers University
Coznesster Smiff, a 5-star wide receiver from Don Bosco Prep High School capped off his Rutgers career with 25 touchdowns and 3107 yards. Former Rutgers Head Coach Greg Schiano had this to say about Smiff:
Smiff has been the star of our wide receiver corps for several years. He came on my radar on the strength of his participation in the New Jersey State championship in a loss against powerhouse Paramus Catholic High School when he caught 5 touchdowns.
Current Rutgers Head Coach Kyle Flood had this to say about Smiff:
It was a challenge keeping Smiff away from That Team From Pennsylvania recruiting-wise, but (former Rutgers head coach Greg) Schiano and I have started to lock down the state of New Jersey. Smiff was excited for the transition to the Big Ten and excelled in his only year in our new conference. I think he can be a harbinger of the talent we can attract to Rutgers in the Big Ten!
Coznesster Smiff was a force for the Scarlet Knights in the bowl game against North Carolina, having 3 touchdowns and contributing to a key block against North Carolina cornerback Brian Walker for running back Josh Hicks for a 70 yard touchdown.
Mel Kiper rates Smiff as a second round draft pick with high intangibles.
Jammie Jammie-Jammie, THE Ohio State University
Jammie Jammie-Jammie was a 4-star cornerback recruit out of Dayton Wayne high school. He chose to go to OSU after a close recruiting battle with Michigan State University and the University of Cincinnati. He ultimately chose to become a Buckeye on the recommendation of his father, former Buckeye standout wide receiver Jimmy Jammie-Jammie.
Jammie Jammie-Jammie had a fruitful career with the Buckeyes, finishing up as the school's all-time leader in Tackles and second on the list of all-time interceptions with 18 interceptions.
Former OSU head coach Jim Tressel had this to say about Jammie Jammie-Jammie
I knew I had found something special in Jammie-Jammie from the minute I saw his tapes in the Ohio State playoffs. He intercepted Dublin-Coffman quarterback Frank Smith 3 times to spark a comeback victory against the Rocks. Later, he had 2 interceptions and 4 sacks against Upper Arlington QB Sam Robinson in the Ohio State (Level VI) championship game
Jammie Jammie-Jammie had 5 tackles of Melvin Gordon III in the Big Ten championship game, 2 interceptions and 1 returned touchdown against Alabama in the Sugar Bowl, and 3 tackles for a loss against Marcus Mariota in the CFP National Championship Game.
Mel Kiper predicts Jammie Jammie-Jammie to be a low first-round pick.
Bisquiteen Trisket, University of Michigan
Bisquiteen Trisket was a 3 star linebacker recruited out of Miami Northwestern high school by Rich Rodriguez. Michigan won the services of Bisquiteen Trisket, beating out the University of Miami and Florida State University. Bisquiteen Trisket was a business major who graduated with a 3.2 GPA from the University of Michigan School of Business. He had 50 tackles in his career for Michigan, establishing himself amongst the best all-time Wolverine linebackers.
Former Michigan DC Gerg Robinson had this to say about Trisket
Bisquiteen Trisket's dominant performance against Ft. Lauderdale St. Thomas Aquinas with 4 tackles for a loss in the high school championship game sealed the deal for me to offer him a scholarship. Tough kid and great fundamentals.
Current Michigan Defensive Line coach and former Michigan Defensive Coordinator Greg Mattison had this to say:
I'll miss the hard work and leadership of Trisket on my defense. He was an excellent field general and kept up everyone's spirits. He led by example and was selfless.
Mel Kiper predicts that Trisket will be a fourth round draft pick.
Eqqsquizitine Buble-Schwinslow, University of Nebraska
Eqqsquizitine Buble-Schwinslow was a 3 star safety recruit out of Council Bluffs High School in Iowa. He was also recruited by the University of Iowa, Iowa State University, the University of Illinois, and Oklahoma University. He had 60 tackles in his career for the Cornhuskers and 4 interceptions returned for touchdowns. Buble-Schwinslow majored in Accounting and graduated with a 3.8 GPA.
Former Nebraska Defensive Coordinator Carl Pelini had this to say about Buble-Schwinslow:
Eqqsquizitine was one of my favorite players to coach at Nebraska. He was almost a coach on the field and embodied the Blackshirt toughness during the transition to the Big Ten. I never had to motivate him to perform and was able to rely on him to coach up the younger players to yet another nine win season.
Mel Kiper predicts Buble-Schwinslow will be a third-round draft pick.
Hingle McCringleberry, Penn State
Hingle McCringleberry was a five-star wide receiver out of Central Catholic High School in Pittsburgh. Penn State competed for McCringleberry's services against the University of Miami, Ohio State University and Michigan State University. In high school McCringleberry led Central Catholic to two state championships and broke the state record for receptions and touchdowns.
At Penn State, McCringleberry was one of Joe Paterno's last recruits and was a key recruiter of Christian Hackenberg. McCringleberry finished his storied career surpassing Bobby Engram as PSU's all-time wide receiver with 180 receptions and 3103 receiving yards.
Current Penn State head coach James Franklin had this to say about McCringleberry:
Thank God I inherited McCringleberry from O'Brien and Paterno. This kid bailed Hack out of several dicey situations when the offensive line broke down. I will miss him and his leadership as I rebuild Penn State back to prominence. WE ARE! PENN STATE! RAWR!
Penn State starting quarterback Christian Hackenberg had this to say about McCringleberry:
If DaeSean Hamilton or Eugene Lewis are anywhere near as productive as Hingle McCringleberry then Penn State will be a force to be reckoned with in the B1G East next year. I feel confident that our beefed up offensive line and the leadership taught by Hingle McCringleberry will be a gamechanger this fall.
One knock against McCringleberry is his excessive touchdown celebrations. He's been flagged for 250 yards over four years for excessive dancing and three pumps after catching touchdowns. The Big Ten has a two-pump only celebration rule. (see below)
Mel Kiper predicts that McCringleberry will be drafted in the fifth round and is a steal in the 2015 NFL draft.
Jackmerius Tackheritrix, Michigan State
Jackmerius Tacktheritrix was a three-star safety recruited out of Dearborn High School, originally as a Quarterback. Mark Dantonio saw the two-way athlete as a better safety than QB, and positioned Tacktheretrix as a key nickel-package and special teams player on MSU's galaxy-class no-fly zone defense.
Former MSU Defensive Coordinator and current Pitt head coach Pat Narduzzi had this to say about Tacktheretrix:
Jackmerius eventually blossomed into a leader on our goal line defense and special teams after a few years of learning the system. Out of all the players I've had over the past five years, he's been the most diligent and hardest worker. It has been a joy watching him grow as a player and I think he'll do very well in the NFL.
Tackthertrix had three tackles against Baylor' wide receiver King Prince Chambermaid and two interceptions for touchdown against Bryce Petty.
Mel Kiper rates Jackmerius Tacktheritrix as a high first round draft pick.
D'Glester Hardunkichud, University of Wisconsin
D'Glester Hardunkichud was a 2-star kick returner out of Rockton Hononegah High School in Rockton, Illinois and ended up graduating as Wisconsin's all-time leading kick returner, surpassing David Gilreath with 3117 total career yards, and also surpassing Nick Davis, Danny Crooks and Ira Davis with 8 total career kickoff returns for touchdowns.
Former Wisconsin head coach Bert Bielema had this to say about Hardunkichud:
I can't believe my half-assed efforts to recruit this kid actually worked. I had no idea what I would be getting, but damn, this kid was almost the second coming of Devin Hester! This kid was a blur on the field and ended up winning us a few games. I'm glad I listened to his high school coach over 11 Leinenkugels and 5 fireball shots at 3 Sheets Pub in Rockton, Illinois.
Former Wisconsin head coach Gary Andersen had this to say:
I'm glad I was able to keep this kid out of trouble. I had to suspend this kid a few games for getting into a fight with Lil' Red after a game in Lincoln, Nebraska. Once Barry and I had a sit-down with Hardunkichud, he blossomed as a special teams star and a team leader and mentor to our younger kids. I wish him well in the NFL
Current Wisconsin Athletic Director and former (and future? interim) head coach Barry Alvarez had this to say about Hardunkichud
It was a pure joy to watch D'Glester return touchdowns. This kid should've been called Barry Allen because he's the Flash! I'm glad to have coached him in two bowl games... I seriously hope I don't have to coach in any more damn bowl games... RIGHT?!?
Current Wisconsin head coach Paul Chryst had this to say:
I really wish Hardunkichud would've stuck around for a fifth year. My special teams roster is really bare, and I'm not sure Bert or Gary left me a good special teams kick returner :( I seriously think I had better special teams players at Pitt.
Hardunkichud had 4 kickoff receptions for an average of 45 yards in the Outback Bowl against Auburn earlier this year.
Mel Kiper rates D'Glester Hardunkichud as the top-rated special teams player and is a top-ten draft pick this year.
Splendiferous Finch, Northwestern University
Splendiferous Finch came to Northwestern as a five-star superback (tight end) after a storied career at Philips Academy in Andover, Massachusetts. Finch graduated Philips Academy as the school's all-time leading wide receiver and tight end in yards and touchdowns, and also excelled in the classroom with a 4.0 GPA. Finch had 6 touchdowns and 300 yards rushing in a laugher against Choate Rosemary Hall School.
At Northwestern, Finch majored in Theater in the School of Communication and also was a student teacher during the summer in Improv and Acting at Second City.
On the football field Splendiferous Finch rewrote the record book, surpassing Drake Dunsmore with 1629 career yards gained by a tight end, 163 receptions gained by a tight end, and 21 career touchdowns.
Pat Fitzgerald had this to say about Splendiferous Finch:
I was completely blown away when I saw the recruiting videos of Splendiferous on YouTube. He was an easy sell to Northwestern University, and he completely dominated on the football field and on stage. Sometimes he was too enthusiastic, as I had to tell him ten times that it is not a good idea to taunt your opponents. He got ejected from five games for taunting his opponents in Iambic Pentameter. If that would not have happened, he could've surpassed D'Wayne Bates as the best receiver or tight end in Northwestern History.
Nevertheless, his inspirational halftime speeches rallied us to our historic bowl win in 2012 and was a key leader for the next two years. I look forward to seeing him in the NFL or on Saturday Night Live.
Veteran Second City improv teacher Michael Gellman had this to say about Splendiferous Finch:
This kid is pretty funny. Sometimes it was a challenge to get him to dial down his emotion, and especially dialing down all that shakespearean crap. The Second City training center is not the Globe, dammit! Once that happened, I expect him to audition for conservatory and later on get on the main stage! I've already told Lorne Michaels to watch out for this kid.
Ohio State Coach Urban Meyer had this to say about Finch:
I wish I had recruited him to Ohio State. This is the best Tight End I've seen. Better than Aaron Hernandez! He was an absolute pain in the butt to game plan around during the game against Northwestern in 2013.
Mel Kiper rates Finch as the top-rated tight end prospect in the NFL draft.
Several Months Later...
Most of these players are dominating in Pro Football, but Hingle McCringleberry has not figured out the three pump rule!
* not really
** Please don't sue us Comedy Central, or Key and Peele! It's a long offseason!
*** I made all this stuff up.
**** Yes, I left out Prince Amukamara from Nebraska.. Everyone knows about him.. but not the other guys.