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Big Ten Winter 2015 Athletic Directors meeting

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Our Athletic Directors meet for the winter. OTE snuck a fly in the room to give you the details

Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports

Let's now go to a conference room in the Rosemont, Illinois Headquarters of the Big Ten..

(this is Satire)

Big-ten-headquarters-1_medium

Happy Delany
Welcome everyone!

Happy Delany
It's good to have all of you here this winter because we have a few things to go through.

Happy Delany
Also, you have a new colleague you haven't met today, Jim Hackett of Michigan

Jim Hackett
Hi everyone, it's a pleasure to be here!

Happy Delany
Everyone introduce yourselves.

Morgan Burke
I'm Morgan Burke from Purdue University.

Fred Glass
I'm Fred Glass from Indiana University.

Sean Eichorst
I'm Sean Eichhorst from the University of Nebraska.

Barry Alvarez
I'm Barry Alvarez from the University of Wisconsin.

Norwood Teague
I'm Norwood Teague from the University of Minnesota.

Gary Barta
I'm Gary Barta from the University of Iowa.

Mike Thomas
I'm Mike Thomas from the University of Illinois.

Jim Philips
I'm Jim Phillips from Northwestern University.

Gene Smith
I'm Gene Smith from Ohio State University.

Mark Hollis
I'm Mark Hollis from Michigan State University.

Sandy Barbour
I'm Sandy Barbour from Penn State University.

Julie Hermann
I'm Julie Hermann from Rutgers University.

Kevin Anderson
I'm Kevin Anderson from the University of Maryland.

Happy Delany
Here's some good news: Our BTN TV deals are up for renewal this year, and I will be able to get your schools an even bigger payout. I'll try to get $40 million a year! The only downside is that everyone's cable bill might go up a dollar, but ha, who cares about that!

Kevin Anderson
Good, my athletic department could use the money. Thank you for front loading Maryland's deal!

Sean Eichorst
Julie Hermann
/grumble grumble

Sean Eichorst
Why weren't we equal partners off the bat? That's what Mizzou and Texas A&M got from the SEC!

Julie Hermann
Yeah!

Happy Delany
Sean, Julie, shut up and listen.

Angry Delany
We've only lost one member. EVER. The University of Chicago

Jim Philips
*cough*NEEEEEERRRRDSSSS*cough*

Angry Delany
You need to stop being shortsighted and realize that you're in this for the long haul.

Angry Delany
UNDERSTAND??!?

Sean Eichorst
Julie Hermann
Fine!

Happy Delany
Ok, now that that's settled, lets talk about what you guys are going to do with the new money I will bring you.

Norwood Teague
I'm going to build a new home for athletics, because my current facilities are lousy.

Julie Hermann
Norwood, what's gotten into to you? TCF Bank Stadium is gorgeous!

Norwood Teague
Julie, my indoor practice facility has a leaky roof and-

Barry Alvarez
HAHA

Norwood Teague
GRR

Gary Barta
What is it with athletic facilities and crappy roofs in that state anyway?

Norwood Teague
/grinding teeth noises

Norwood Teague
ANYWAY! Julie, c'mon, you've been at this job for a while.

Norwood Teague
You know that you have to make sure your athletes and coaches have a good spot to meet and hang their hats when it's not gameday. This is what it's all about.

Julie Hermann
Um, OK.

Jim Philips
I'm also building an athletics palace with a killer view of Lake Michigan for my office.

Mike Thomas
But you haven't even broken ground yet!

Mike Thomas
*cough*WEAKSAUCE!*cough*

Jim Philips
Better to take the time to get it right..

Barry Alvarez
And no Yacht Docks? For shame!

Jim Philips
Apparently Mr. Ryan didn't want it any more, so whatever..

Kevin Anderson
I'm converting my old basketball arena into a state of the art Athletics facility, and finally gaining an indoor practice facility.

Sandy Barbour
Welcome to the 1990s.

Kevin Anderson
Oh, excuse me Sandy! You didn't have one when you were running Cal, did you? NOPE!

Sandy Barbour
You try building anything out there! I had literal tree huggers trying to stop the renovation of Memorial Stadium!

Barry Alvarez
Maybe I can use this money to restart my baseball program and make women's lacrosse a varsity sport.

Barry Alvarez
It's probably a good idea to boost the Salary pool for my football coaches... I'm getting tired of losing them every few years.

Gene Smith
Barry, you gotta keep up with the pack. The way I see it, Wisconsin will be the best team in that joke of a division and I want your guys to be strong when Urban curbstomps you.

Sean Eichorst
Don't be so sure about that Gene!

Norwood Teague
Brick by Brick, we're going to keep rising! I have faith in Jerry!

Sean Eichorst
Anyway, My facilities are top notch. I think I'll put this money in a rainy day fund.

Sean Eichorst
You never know when rainy day funds are useful..

Sean Eichorst
/knocks on wood and looks at Anderson

Kevin Anderson
Hey! I inherited this mess and I don't have 80,000 people packing my football stadium every Saturday.

Sean Eichorst
Sucks to be you!

Happy Delany
OK, Order!

Happy Delany
Can we stop it with the snarky asides for a second?

Mark Hollis
I might spruce up Spartan Stadium a bit.

Jim Hackett
My facilities are ok. I might give Harbaugh a bigger salary pool next year.

Gene Smith
Oh yeah? Then I'll give Meyer an even bigger salary pool to work with.

Gary Barta
I'm going to save some money. I might need it if Kirk has some more bad football seasons.

Julie Hermann
Don't you have other things to worry about, like that mess with your former Field Hockey coach? And what's with firing four women's coaches in five years? And a Title IX lawsuit?

Sandy Barbour
Yeah, that looks shady!

Jim Philips
My field hockey coach is irate about it.

Fred Glass
My field hockey players are angry too!

Jim Hackett
And so is my coach. Mine wanted me to tell you that you made a mistake and you should take her back!

Gary Barta
Everyone, respectfully, mind your own business and your own athletic departments. I'm sure you all have had to make unpopular personnel decisions. Ultimately, we have to do what's best for our university, and for now I have my president's backing on this. I'm not going to speak any more about this issue and I appreciate it not being brought up again. Because Bloodpunch said so.

Mike Thomas
Maybe I'll dig out that damn bulldozer in Memorial Stadium

Fred Glass
I might rebuild or fix the Assembly Hall.

Sandy Barbour
Maybe I'll make Beaver Stadium even bigger.

Morgan Burke
I'm tentatively thinking of renovating my football stadium, but the product on the field has to get better first.

Fred Glass
Understatement of the decade.

Fred Glass
I wasn't even angry when my freshman QB lit up a fat stogie with the bucket. I loved it!

Fred Glass
I like your football program just the way it is, Morgan!

Morgan Burke
Piss off Fred. Darrell will get the bucket back eventually...

Angry Delany
Actually, Morgan, there have been some concerns about you, and now's a good time to bring them up.

Morgan Burke
What do you mean??!!

Angry Delany
Apparently, you aren't spending enough money to win, and there are concerns that you are misusing money.

Morgan Burke
I do everything with the highest ethical standards at Purdue University!

Morgan Burke
And besides, Jim, I don't answer to you!

Morgan Burke
I answer to President Mitch Daniels, and he likes the fact that I run a self-sufficient athletic department!

Angry Delany
Is he truly happy with your football and basketball programs now?

Morgan Burke
... no ...

Angry Delany
This is why we're trying to help you. And you need to stop doing things like this...

Morgan Burke
Like WHAT?!

Angry Delany
I've brought in a chartered accountant to detail your expenditures.

Cyril Figgus
Morgan, there are some disturbing line items in your expense account:

Morgan Burke Archer

Morgan Burke
SON OF A BOILERMAKER! That's a photoshop from Archer!!! That's not real!

Fred Glass
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Barry Alvarez
Teague, you owe me $20!

Norwood Teague
Fine, here you go.

Morgan Burke
You two weasels were gambling on me?!?!?

Norwood Teague
Yep. If you said son of a bitch-

Julie Hermann
-PHRASING!

Norwood Teague
- he would've paid me 20, but Barry bet on you saying Son of a Boilermaker.

/the door kicks open

Chris DelConte
ALVAREZ!!!! YOU HATE TEXAS!

Ian McCaw
YOU HATE BAPTISTS!

Chris DelConte
AND THE DISCIPLES OF CHRIST!!!!

Angry Delany
Who the hell are you two?

Ian McCaw
I'm Ian McCaw, AD at Baylor University

Chris DelConte
And I'm Chris DelConte, AD at Texas Christian University

Bob Bowlsby
Sorry Jim, I'll take responsibility for whatever my guys do.

Angry Delany
You damn well better, Commissioner Bowlsby.

Angry Delany
Ok guys, you're here, so say what you want to say and leave!

Ian McCaw
Alvarez, you failed to to account for Baylor's greatness!

Chris DelConte
And TCU's! There are too many Northerners on the selection committee, and it's bullshit!

Barry Alvarez
Mark, what exactly did Dantonio do to Baylor in the Cotton Bowl?

Mark Hollis
Ian, my boys defeated your boys 42-41!

Barry Alvarez
We evaluated everyone fairly, and your teams got docked because you don't have a conference championship game. Amongst other reasons.

Gene Smith
Besides, Ohio State would've kicked both your teams asses.

Ian McCaw
SHUT UP! Alvarez, you're just a puppet. Where's Tom Osborne?!?

Sean Eichorst
What?

Chris DelConte
I know Tom Osborne runs the things around here now. WHERE IS HE?!

Mark Hollis
I should've brought tinfoil hats...sheesh...

Sean Eichorst
Tom Osborne no longer speaks for the University of Nebraska. I do.

Ian McCaw
Bullshit. When have you ever done anything worthwhile?

Sean Eichorst
I fired a coach that won nine football games every year because he's an unstable lunatic. I'm Sean Eichorst, don't fuck with me!

Bob Bowlsby
Hmm, so we got docked because we didn't have a real champion, eh? Ok, Time to add Cincinnati and one other school!

Gene Smith
LIKE HELL YOU WILL!!

Gene Smith
THE STATE OF OHIO IS MINE AND I WILL NOT LET ANY POWER FIVE CONFERENCE CLAIM CINCINNATI

Gene Smith
IF YOU WANT IT, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT GENE OL' DILWEED SMITH IN THE RING!!

/another AD stomps in

Jamie Pollard
BAARTAAAA!!!!

Bob Bowlsby
Jamie Pollard of Iowa State! What possible grievance could YOU of all my ADs have with the Big Ten!

Jamie Pollard
I AM NEVER CONSOLABLE BECAUSE HE KEEPS TRICKING ME WITH PRANK PHONE CALLS!! HE'S A BIG MEANY!!! WAAAAH!!!! I DEMAND JUSTICE!

....

Bob Bowlsby
Ian McCaw
Chris DelConte
Cyril Figgus
Jim Hackett
Sandy Barbour
Happy Delany
Mike Thomas
Fred Glass
Gary Barta
Mark Hollis
Norwood Teague
Sean Eichorst
Jim Philips
Gene Smith
Barry Alvarez
Julie Hermann
Kevin Anderson
/ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Angry Delany
Can someone send the security guard in here?

Leman Head
Sir! What can I do?

Gary Barta
J, see that dweeb right there? He's trying to take away my freedom.

Jamie Pollard
Oh shit...

Leman Head
Say no more...

Leman Head
/FREEDOM KICK

J. Leman kicks Jamie Pollard out the window into a car that crashed into a manure truck!

Jamie Pollard Manure
/is inconsolable.

Credits:

Most of these AD images I took from the official websites or wikipedia. The Archer stuff was either from a screenshot of netflix or from some wikia site. All people involved in this article were impersonated...poorly. If you haven't figured this out yet, this is Satire! I made all this shit (pun intended) up.

EDIT: TCU's denomination updated to Disciples of Christ. Originally I had the TCU AD saying 'Alvarez! You hate whatever denomination my school is!"