Let's now go to a conference room in the Rosemont, Illinois Headquarters of the Big Ten..
(this is Satire)
It's good to have all of you here this winter because we have a few things to go through.
Also, you have a new colleague you haven't met today, Jim Hackett of Michigan
Hi everyone, it's a pleasure to be here!
Everyone introduce yourselves.
I'm Morgan Burke from Purdue University.
I'm Fred Glass from Indiana University.
I'm Sean Eichhorst from the University of Nebraska.
I'm Barry Alvarez from the University of Wisconsin.
I'm Norwood Teague from the University of Minnesota.
I'm Gary Barta from the University of Iowa.
I'm Mike Thomas from the University of Illinois.
I'm Jim Phillips from Northwestern University.
I'm Gene Smith from Ohio State University.
I'm Mark Hollis from Michigan State University.
I'm Sandy Barbour from Penn State University.
I'm Julie Hermann from Rutgers University.
I'm Kevin Anderson from the University of Maryland.
Here's some good news: Our BTN TV deals are up for renewal this year, and I will be able to get your schools an even bigger payout. I'll try to get $40 million a year! The only downside is that everyone's cable bill might go up a dollar, but ha, who cares about that!
Good, my athletic department could use the money. Thank you for front loading Maryland's deal!
Why weren't we equal partners off the bat? That's what Mizzou and Texas A&M got from the SEC!
Sean, Julie, shut up and listen.
We've only lost one member. EVER. The University of Chicago
You need to stop being shortsighted and realize that you're in this for the long haul.
Ok, now that that's settled, lets talk about what you guys are going to do with the new money I will bring you.
I'm going to build a new home for athletics, because my current facilities are lousy.
Norwood, what's gotten into to you? TCF Bank Stadium is gorgeous!
Julie, my indoor practice facility has a leaky roof and-
What is it with athletic facilities and crappy roofs in that state anyway?
/grinding teeth noises
ANYWAY! Julie, c'mon, you've been at this job for a while.
You know that you have to make sure your athletes and coaches have a good spot to meet and hang their hats when it's not gameday. This is what it's all about.
I'm also building an athletics palace with a killer view of Lake Michigan for my office.
But you haven't even broken ground yet!
Better to take the time to get it right..
And no Yacht Docks? For shame!
Apparently Mr. Ryan didn't want it any more, so whatever..
I'm converting my old basketball arena into a state of the art Athletics facility, and finally gaining an indoor practice facility.
Welcome to the 1990s.
Oh, excuse me Sandy! You didn't have one when you were running Cal, did you? NOPE!
You try building anything out there! I had literal tree huggers trying to stop the renovation of Memorial Stadium!
Maybe I can use this money to restart my baseball program and make women's lacrosse a varsity sport.
It's probably a good idea to boost the Salary pool for my football coaches... I'm getting tired of losing them every few years.
Barry, you gotta keep up with the pack. The way I see it, Wisconsin will be the best team in that joke of a division and I want your guys to be strong when Urban curbstomps you.
Don't be so sure about that Gene!
Brick by Brick, we're going to keep rising! I have faith in Jerry!
Anyway, My facilities are top notch. I think I'll put this money in a rainy day fund.
You never know when rainy day funds are useful..
/knocks on wood and looks at Anderson
Hey! I inherited this mess and I don't have 80,000 people packing my football stadium every Saturday.
Sucks to be you!
Can we stop it with the snarky asides for a second?
I might spruce up Spartan Stadium a bit.
My facilities are ok. I might give Harbaugh a bigger salary pool next year.
Oh yeah? Then I'll give Meyer an even bigger salary pool to work with.
I'm going to save some money. I might need it if Kirk has some more bad football seasons.
Yeah, that looks shady!
My field hockey coach is irate about it.
We support the reinstatement of Iowa coach Tracey Griesbaum and our hearts go out to her players/alumni@ReinstateTG #greatcoachbetterperson— Northwestern FH (@NUFHCats) August 6, 2014
My field hockey players are angry too!
And so is my coach. Mine wanted me to tell you that you made a mistake and you should take her back!
We support the reinstatement of Tracey Griesbaum as Iowa coach. She is a consummate professional, longtime B1G peer & friend @ReinstateTG !!— Michigan FieldHockey (@umichfldhockey) August 6, 2014
Everyone, respectfully, mind your own business and your own athletic departments. I'm sure you all have had to make unpopular personnel decisions. Ultimately, we have to do what's best for our university, and for now I have my president's backing on this. I'm not going to speak any more about this issue and I appreciate it not being brought up again. Because Bloodpunch said so.
Maybe I'll dig out that damn bulldozer in Memorial Stadium
I might rebuild or fix the Assembly Hall.
Maybe I'll make Beaver Stadium even bigger.
I'm tentatively thinking of renovating my football stadium, but the product on the field has to get better first.
Understatement of the decade.
I wasn't even angry when my freshman QB lit up a fat stogie with the bucket. I loved it!
I like your football program just the way it is, Morgan!
Piss off Fred. Darrell will get the bucket back eventually...
Actually, Morgan, there have been some concerns about you, and now's a good time to bring them up.
What do you mean??!!
Apparently, you aren't spending enough money to win, and there are concerns that you are misusing money.
I do everything with the highest ethical standards at Purdue University!
And besides, Jim, I don't answer to you!
I answer to President Mitch Daniels, and he likes the fact that I run a self-sufficient athletic department!
Is he truly happy with your football and basketball programs now?
... no ...
This is why we're trying to help you. And you need to stop doing things like this...
I've brought in a chartered accountant to detail your expenditures.
Morgan, there are some disturbing line items in your expense account:
SON OF A BOILERMAKER! That's a photoshop from Archer!!! That's not real!
Teague, you owe me $20!
Fine, here you go.
You two weasels were gambling on me?!?!?
Yep. If you said son of a bitch-
- he would've paid me 20, but Barry bet on you saying Son of a Boilermaker.
/the door kicks open
ALVAREZ!!!! YOU HATE TEXAS!
YOU HATE BAPTISTS!
AND THE DISCIPLES OF CHRIST!!!!
Who the hell are you two?
I'm Ian McCaw, AD at Baylor University
And I'm Chris DelConte, AD at Texas Christian University
Sorry Jim, I'll take responsibility for whatever my guys do.
You damn well better, Commissioner Bowlsby.
Ok guys, you're here, so say what you want to say and leave!
Alvarez, you failed to to account for Baylor's greatness!
And TCU's! There are too many Northerners on the selection committee, and it's bullshit!
Mark, what exactly did Dantonio do to Baylor in the Cotton Bowl?
Ian, my boys defeated your boys 42-41!
We evaluated everyone fairly, and your teams got docked because you don't have a conference championship game. Amongst other reasons.
Besides, Ohio State would've kicked both your teams asses.
SHUT UP! Alvarez, you're just a puppet. Where's Tom Osborne?!?
I know Tom Osborne runs the things around here now. WHERE IS HE?!
I should've brought tinfoil hats...sheesh...
Tom Osborne no longer speaks for the University of Nebraska. I do.
Bullshit. When have you ever done anything worthwhile?
I fired a coach that won nine football games every year because he's an unstable lunatic. I'm Sean Eichorst, don't fuck with me!
Hmm, so we got docked because we didn't have a real champion, eh? Ok, Time to add Cincinnati and one other school!
LIKE HELL YOU WILL!!
THE STATE OF OHIO IS MINE AND I WILL NOT LET ANY POWER FIVE CONFERENCE CLAIM CINCINNATI
IF YOU WANT IT, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT GENE OL' DILWEED SMITH IN THE RING!!
/another AD stomps in
Jamie Pollard of Iowa State! What possible grievance could YOU of all my ADs have with the Big Ten!
I AM NEVER CONSOLABLE BECAUSE HE KEEPS TRICKING ME WITH PRANK PHONE CALLS!! HE'S A BIG MEANY!!! WAAAAH!!!! I DEMAND JUSTICE!
Can someone send the security guard in here?
Sir! What can I do?
J, see that dweeb right there? He's trying to take away my freedom.
Say no more...
J. Leman kicks Jamie Pollard out the window into a car that crashed into a manure truck!
Most of these AD images I took from the official websites or wikipedia. The Archer stuff was either from a screenshot of netflix or from some wikia site. All people involved in this article were impersonated...poorly. If you haven't figured this out yet, this is Satire! I made all this shit (pun intended) up.
EDIT: TCU's denomination updated to Disciples of Christ. Originally I had the TCU AD saying 'Alvarez! You hate whatever denomination my school is!"