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What Kenny Chesney's Attire Says About Your Team's 2015 Season

In which math and advanced metrics tell us everything we need to know about Northwestern, UNC, and NC State in 2015.

Meet new lifelong Northwestern fan Kenny Chesney.
Meet new lifelong Northwestern fan Kenny Chesney.

As SBNation's Rodger Sherman noted, country music star Kenny Chesney has been photographed wearing the logos of a number of teams, both college and professional. Recently, Chesney met with and received a jersey from one Pat Fitzgerald, your head coach of the Northwestern Wildcats.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Having a great time <a href="">@SoldierField</a> with <a href="">@kennychesney</a>! <a href="">#NoShoesNation</a> <a href=""></a></p>&mdash; Pat Fitzgerald (@coachfitz51) <a href="">June 7, 2015</a></blockquote>

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That led this intrepid journalist "writer" to wonder, "Is the ‘Chesney Curse' a real thing? Do teams actually perform poorer when noted swag slut Kenny Chesney dons their apparel? Some people appear to be really upset about him. Having a vested interest in knowing how the ‘Cats would perform in 2015 and not wanting to wait until the boys of fall hit the gridiron, I set out to do what I do best: shitty math.

The table below contains results for each team following Chesney's appearance in their garb. For example, when Chesney appeared in Oakland Athletics gear to throw out the first pitch, that game and every game for the rest of the season was counted for (or against?) Chesney's record. I only counted one season, because if Rodger's list was any indication, Chesney's rooting interests are fleeting at best. If I was unclear on the timestamp, I just guessed. Sue me.*

Kenny Chesney, Sports Fan Rest of Season
Team Sport Date W L T Pct
White Sox MLB 5/28/2015 8 8 0.500
Phillies MLB 6/19/2011 57 33 0.633
Royals MLB 8/26/2013 21 12 0.636
Red Sox MLB 7/26/2008 35 23 0.603
Yankees MLB 7/10/2008 42 31 0.575
Mariners MLB 12/1/2009 61 101 0.377
Orioles MLB 4/18/2008 59 86 0.407
Twins MLB 7/9/2012 30 47 0.390
Athletics MLB 6/16/2005 61 36 0.629
374 377 0.498
Northwestern NCAAF 6/4/2015 ####
NC State NCAAF 5/28/2015 ####
Mississippi State NCAAF 10/12/2012 3 5 0.375
South Carolina NCAAF 9/24/2014 4 5 0.444
UNC Tar Heels NCAAF 4/16/2015 ####
Cal Bears NCAAF 6/14/2013 1 11 0.083
Tennessee Vols NCAAF 1/1/1998 13 0 1.000
Texas Longhorns NCAAF 5/5/2012 9 4 0.692
Florida Gators NCAAF 2/1/2007 9 4 0.692
Bama NCAAF 3/8/2008 12 2 0.857
51 31 0.622
Steelers NFL 5/29/2015 ####
49ers NFL 5/2/2015 ####
Saints NFL 8/17/2007 7 9 0.438
Eagles NFL 6/18/2011 8 8 0.500
Chiefs NFL 6/14/2013 11 5 0.688
Seahawks NFL 5/31/2013 13 3 0.813
Colts NFL 9/18/2008 11 3 0.786
Cowboys NFL 10/28/2012 5 5 0.500
Rougedermis NFL 8/13/2012 10 6 0.625
Patriots NFL 8/29/2012 12 4 0.750
Titans NFL 6/23/2012 6 10 0.375
83 53 0.610
Wild NHL 7/6/2011 26 35 12 0.356
26 35 12 0.356


Steelers and 49ers

Based on his .610 winning percentage for nine other NFL franchises, we can expect Kenny Chesney's New Favorite TeamsTM, the Pittsburgh Steelers and San Francisco 49ers, to go approximately 9.76-6.24 in 2015. We'll call it 10-6 or 9-7, since rounding is hard and I am a history major.


Northwestern Wildcats, North Carolina Tar Heels, North Carolina State Wolfpack

With a very similar .622 winning percentage for NCAA football, Kenny Chesney clearly knows how to pick'em. Were it not for an ill-advised selection of Cal in roughly 2013, I'd be suggesting fans of all three N schools begin clearing their calendars for a January 1st bowl. Instead, the ‘Cats, ‘Pack, and Heels will each come in around 7.46-5.54. Calling that 7-5 or 8-4 for each team, I'm pleasantly surprised to know my Wildcats will be outperforming what is widely considered another 6-6 or 5-7 rebuilding season. But since Kenny's decreed it, it's going to happen.

Want to argue with me? Try it. Because by extension, you're arguing with Kenny Chesney.** And by arguing with Kenny Chesney, you're arguing with No Shoes Nation. And that's basically America: no shoes, kind-of country-pop music, and bad math. Checkmate, you commie bastard.

*Please don't.
**Kenny Chesney is probably a licensed, trademarked singer, as is No Shoes Nation, probably. I don't know. You're reading an article about how Kenny Chesney's attire correlates to athletic performance. Your standards are clearly already low.