Iowa and the Girl You Love

As B1G 2015 rolls on, we have now come to the Iowa hate piece. Now as a Wisconsin fan from birth, hating Iowa is just something you do. They border us, we have an actual rivalry that isn't some corporate construct or product of realignment, and we have similar programs. How can you not hate Iowa with a burning passion? By doing one better and showing them the greatest sign of disrespect one can show a rival. By showing them indifference...

But that isn't possible with Iowa. Iowa is that girl you met, became friends with, and then whether it was months or years into a great friendship you realized you actually loved her. And maybe something comes of it, a kind of relationship Heartland Trophy becomes a thing, but deep down it isn't want you want. You want her to be The One, but she will never be Minnesota. You really shouldn't care about her at all.

She isn't Ohio State the hottest girl in the bar. She isn't Michigan State the chick who got really easy because she got hot. She isn't even Nebraska the paranoid masochist who could be a lot of fun. Sure she's cute in her own "punting from the opponent's 35" kind of way, and she works that into 7-8 win seasons, but you know she has terrible taste in head coaches friends. She still hangs out with that Kirk Ferentz, even though she tells you how bad she is about everything. On top of it, you have to deal with Ferentz being in your life just because of your association with Iowa. You know the SEC other guys at the bar lose respect for you because of that. Just cut ties already, 16 years is a long time, but you can do better.

So despite seeing better and having to deal with her crappy friends, you still have strong feelings for her. It isn't even about the fact she has a ton of money, because you're a gentleman and chivalry isn't dead. The fact you too also bring in a lot of money doesn't hurt. She's safe. You're confortable with her. You have a lot in common. You're friends with her mom on Facebook. Your athletic director coached there. It just still isn't right. You've tried to see other people. You have Minnesota, and Iowa even had a fling with the masochist. Still, you end up caring about Iowa. Minnesota is going through a rough time and you're feeling a little indifferent about her. Does Minnesota even care? It seems that she isn't even fighting you most the time lately when she should be. After all, you've had her most prized possession for over a decade. So you end up back with Iowa. You just can't replace the familiarity. You have a history together. It makes it impossible to not care. You hate it, because if it wasn't for that familiarity she'd just be another Illinois or Purdue. You wouldn't be stuck hating that you care.

And so Iowa, you are hated. Not because we care enough to hate you, but because we hate that we care at all. It's a vicious emotional cycle. One that perpetuates itself over and over. No conference alighnment will ever be able to change how we feel about you, and it eats at our heart and souls. Fuck her, fuck Iowa. I hope you go 4-8 this year, and have to pay that gum chewing moron to not coach for the next 5 years while only signing guys who's only other offers were from Wisconsin-Plattevile and Blackhawk Technical College. He won't care, he'll just play Backstreet Boys like it's 1999 while using $100 bills as gum wrappers.

Oh and don't forget about this