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B1G 2015 // Crabcakes and Riots: That's What Maryland Does

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A Virginia fan's helpful take on the Terps.

Evan Habeeb-USA TODAY Sports

Has it really already been a year? The scent of smoldering couch fires are a mere memory at this point, allowing us to enjoy our bold Cabernets in peace (with our pinkies out and our noses high in there air, of course).

There, I saved you your first comment, Terp fan.

Maryland is like the really terrible boyfriend of your best friend. You never invite them to the party, but you know they're going to show up anyway and you better start covering the furniture in plastic and hiding the valuables in the back room. They're the ones that show up, refuse to shake the host's hand, then act like it's your problem, bro. This is a party, not a debutante ball.

They'll lose a game of beer pong, and literally break into your neighbor's house, steal their furniture, and use it to start a fire that will burn fiber-optic cable lines and cost the city $500,000. But lighten up, chief, I'm in the zone.

Here's the thing, Big Ten fans. Maryland is no Nebraska... some middling "football school" that hangs out through the fall then fades into the mist (we see you, Virginia Tech). To Maryland's credit, they stick around for soccer, basketball, lacrosse, and some others.

However, if any coach ever exclaims, "Here at Maryland, we don't lose to [enter your school here]", you're in luck.

Yesterday, Streaking the Lawn listed some things that are better than Maryland. That list included hang nails. I'd add stubbing your toe and a radio show with Colin Cowherd and Stephen A. Smith as co-hosts.

Here are some reasons to hate Maryland (by no means an exhaustive list):

5. Rioting in April of 2006 in which there was a fire and attempts to topple a bus. After a women's basketball win.

4. Chanting 'no means no' at the Virginia basketball team after the now thoroughly debunked Rolling Stone article came out.

3. Covering. Everything. With. The. Maryland. Flag. Everything.

2. They got banned from playing Gary Glitter's 'Rock and Roll Pt.2' because they made even that offensive.

1. March 31, 2001. Riots in the street following the NCAA semifinal loss to "rival" Duke. Students broke into neighborhood houses, stole furniture, and burned it... leading to the aforementioned half a million dollars in damage. This could be replaced by the 2002 riot that damaged six police patrol cars. Or the 2010 riot that led to 27 arrests. You get my point.

Luckily, our best friend has broken up with Maryland, but we know we may still run into them out at bars or the ACC/Big Ten Challenge from time to time (or NCAA baseball Super Regionals, AMIRITE?). Somebody tell the Chapel Hill Police Department to double shifts on December 1.

Yo, but I love ya, Scott Van Pelt.

Enjoy, good luck, and hide your sofas, our Midwestern friends! Meanwhile, ACC fans be like: