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Come on in! How's it going? I know it's Monday, but go ahead and get yourself some hotdish and a drink and let's talk about Gopher Football, shall we? Wait, where are you going? Come back! I HAVE GOOD ALCOHOL! WE CAN TALK ABOUT THE TWINS INSTEAD!! MIGUEL SANO IS GOOD!!!
About Last Season
The Good News…
Jug! Pig! Chair! Going into the season, I thought we’d go 6-6. As I’ve said many times during my many years of suffering through
The Bad News…
I’ll get this out of the way first and foremost: there’s no good excuse for pissing away a 17-13 3rd quarter lead when you’re
On the Offensive Side of the Ball
The Good News…
Do you like Novocain? Boring, dependable, maybe the occasional surprise when something goes wrong and there’s sudden pain? If so, you’ll love this offense. Meet the boring run game with occasional pass mixed in, same as the old boring run game with the occasional pass mixed in. The fat kids are going to do what they've been doing for the last couple years, which is maul people without conscience or pity. The line returns 88 starts spread among 6 players. There will be a bit of intrigue surrounding the running game situation with a slimmer Rodrick Williams and a hopefully more-reliable burner in Berkley Edwards stepping up. Additionally, nobody knows if the prototype Jeff Jones will end up at RB or WR. (TANGENT TIME: In my opinion, one of the most important things for the long-term growth of Gopher football is Minneapolis city kids being stars. Ra'shede Hageman and Jeff Jones will hopefully revitalize a depressing, moribund product that was the lifeline of the program in the past.) If it is WR, he'd add something special to the potential of Drew Wolitarsky and the last chance for K.J. Maye.
The Bad News…
David Cobb’s 2828 yards and 20 TDs on the ground are just a memory now. Let’s just continue the trend of not talking about throwing the football, ok? The loss of Maxxx Williams will be especially painful early while Mitch Leidner finds new favorite targets. Good thing we’ve got a soft start to the sea…oh. Oh no.
On the Defensive Side of the Ball
The Good News…
7 returning starters and the full coaching staff coming back should lead to something very confusing to football fans of any level in Minnesota under age 50: A high-end defense. Theirien Cockran, Briean Boddy-Calhoun, and Antonio Johnson should all be All-B1G 1st/2nd team players, in addition to the usual breakout surprises that Minnesota has had. My uneducated guess would be that DE Gaelin Elmore will be one of the breakout stars, thus condemning him to something subpar. I'm legitimately expecting a huge season from the Gopher defense this year with the amount of returning snaps and consistent talent added over the past few years.
The Bad News…
Some very talented contributors have departed, and Minnesota fans have never been good at assuming that we'll just have somebody step up to replace them (in spite of evidence to the contrary under the Jerry Kill regime). Michael Amaefula, Cameron Botticelli, Damien Wilson, Derrick Wells, and Cedric Thompson will all be missed. It also needs to be pointed out that in the losses (except that Illinois outlier) opponents were able to rack up huge rushing and YPC numbers.
On the Special Teams Side of the Ball
The Good News…
Everyone is back! Preseason All-American Twitterer and All-B1G Punter Pipes Mortell is back to entertain everyone for another year, and misplaced LB/actual K Ryan Santoso should continue to bomb FGs from the suburbs. Jalen Myrick and Craig James should continue to rack up plenty of yards on KR/PR and hopefully not kill 5 hookers like the other Craig James did. Allegedly.
The Bad News…
Talking about how your specialists are great contributors to your team is never a good thing.
On the Coaching Side of the Ball
The Good News…
EVERYONE ON THE DEFENSIVE SIDE OF THE BALL IS BACK! That nobody got poached is a huge victory for the program. That nobody got fired or reassigned yet again is more of a surprise for long-term Gopher fans that survived Glen Mason's revolving door of over-promoted LB coaches becoming DCs and Tim Brewster's revolcing door of shit coaches. Jay Sawvel continues to put together outstanding secondaries every year. And at the end of the day, this team continues to get molded in the image of Jerry Kill: tough, resilient, and never knowing that they’re overmatched and are supposed to lose.
The Bad News…
Matt Limegrover’s playcalling is back! If you’re a fan of RUTM (Run Up The Middle) this is great news. Really, that's all Minnesota fans have to complain about in regards to coaching. This staff is fun and good.
On the Schedule
Date | Opponent |
---|---|
Sept 3 (Thursday) | TCU |
Sept 12 | at Colorado St. |
Sept 19 | Kent State |
Sept 26 | Ohio |
Oct 3 | at Northwestern |
Oct 10 | at Purdue |
Oct 17 | Nebraska |
Oct 31 | Michigan |
Nov 7 | at Ohio State |
Nov 14 | at Iowa |
Nov 21 | Illinois |
Nov 28 | Wisconsin |
Dec 5 | Big Ten Championship Game |
Dec 31 | Playoff Semifinal (Orange Bowl/Cotton Bowl) |
Jan 11 | National Championship Game (Glendale, AZ) |
If You’re Talking to a
Do Mention…
Jug! Pig! Chair! Bell!, How Minnesota still has more National Titles than anyone in the B1G not named Michigan or tOSU, Beer (The new slogan for Gopher Football gameday should be "Want to get Surly?"), Gopher Hockey (Men’s and Women’s), and how TCF Bank Stadium will always be better than that thing the Vikings are building because we can sit outside on beautiful fall Saturdays. Also: Honeycrisp apples.
Don’t Mention…
Axe, Tim Brewster, Glen Mason’s defenses, special teams, and passing games, Tim Brewster, the current streak against Wisconsin, Tim Brewster, Howl long it’s been since we’ve won the B1G/been to the Rose Bowl, and Tim Brewster.