Maryland, Rutgers, and Penn State fans, I gotta admit, the last couple of weeks have been cute. With you guys all acting like you have a reason to hate each other and whatnot. It's kind of like equating 2 year olds throwing temper tantrums at each other with an MMA fight though. You guys have been conference mates for all of a year. Your little piss fights that don't even come close to a rivalry and won't for years don't have their own Wikipedia page. WISCONSIN AND MINNESOTA HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT SINCE GODDAMN BENJAMIN HARRISON WAS PRESIDENT. EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR (Except 1906. Apparently the Gophers were still salty about the 1905 Badger win in Minneapolis). Move aside fans of universities only here for TV reasons, because it's time for some real Western Conference hate. We don't just hate the sports teams representing the state's flagship university, we hate the actual state itself. WITH A PASSION. FUCK YOU MINNESOTA. FUCK YOU AND YOUR LUTEFISK LOVING FISH FRYS AND YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM THAT HASN'T BEEN RELEVANT SINCE SEGREGATION. NOT JUST IRRELEVANT, BUT LIKE INDIANA LEVELS OF BAD.
So for any of the OTE old timers on here, Ted's 2013 hate article is something to I'm aspiring for. I gave myself an over/under of 50 profanities in this article. Someone count them for me, I'm too busy seething with hatred for the vile gopher menace and the shithole of a state and University he represents. Who the fuck has a goddamn Gopher as a mascot? What, was the hummingbird taken? Goldie (or is it Goldy? Who gives a shit? Your mascot is dumb and your color scheme looks like something I'd leave in the toilet after eating Taco Bell and razor blades) looks like the mascot version of the 11 year old kid who gets shoved in lockers in middle school. Buck teeth, big eyes, and a stupid grin because he has no idea what's coming even though he's been getting the same beating for 11 years.
Alright so let's look at your precious fucking slogan that is the perfect example of what a joke Minnesota is. "Land of 10,000 Lakes". Cherished so much that you put it on those ugly as shit turquoise license plates that might as well say "I will never be driving faster than 55", most likely while pulling a piece of shit boat that barely floats. For starters, Wisconsin has almost 4,000 more named lakes than you. Oh, I know the response to that is, "oh well we only name lakes bigger than 10 acres". Who gives a shit? If I can swim in it, fish in it, and it's a naturally occurring body of water it should have a name so I know where to find it. Especially if you have so many of them it's supposedly a matter of state pride. Also, it's unfortunate because despite that Wisconsin has 6 times more coastline than you. Look at all that beautiful Lake Michig... Oh wait, YOUR ENTIRE EASTERN BORDER ISN'T A LAKE. You can't have a dick measuring contest and then selectively forget to measure the biggest one Minnesota. Or second biggest one, although you do have that whopping 128 miles of Lake Superior coastline. Good thing Wisconsin only has 822 miles of Great Lakes coastline. You're lucky Michigan became a state before Wisconsin and claimed the Upper Peninsula. Otherwise you wouldn't be able to claim that "we have the most lakes that aren't small but not Great either" even. Although I guess that isn't catchy on an ugly ass license plate.
Also you have a national park that no one cares about. I didn't even know that six months ago, and it's like 9 hours from my house. I've been to Yellowstone four times and that's almost 25 hours away. You're almost as bad as Illinois. You have nice things, but you're completely incapable of actually utilizing them. Granted Voyageurs National Park looks identical to northern Wisconsin, so it's probably just the National Park Service feeling sorry for your completely nondescript state. Or trying to drum up tourism from Manitoba, one of the two. Seriously the eastern part is Wisconsin, the western part is the Dakotas, the northern part is Canada,and the southern part is Iowa. So the actual part of the state with people in it is identical to Wisconsin. Coincidence? I think not. Thes rest of it is a conglomeration of suck and Canada. You're like the garbage can of the old Northwest Territories.
But boy oh boy do you guys LOVE the Twin Cities. How do you know if someone's from Minnesota? Don't worry, they'll tell you how great and underrated the Twin Cities are. Well for starters no they aren't. They're basically Milwaukee times two and the poor man's version of Chicago. There's nothing special about them. Well there is the Mall of America. Yay you have the largest "cranky moms and their bratty kids" trap in the United States. Of course, that's only because you idiots put a theme park inside. Theme parks are supposed to be outside. If we can have the waterpark capital of the world in Wisconsin you can take your roof off things not meant to have a roof. Then again this was the home of the Metrodome so actually probably not. You guys just aren't very good with roofs.
Speaking of needing roofs, your weather is SHIT. And that's coming from a born and raised Wisconsinite who has never lived in a city lower than 19th on the "coldest cities in the continental US" list. It's basically like Tiger Woods telling you that you cheat on your wife too much. I'm an expert in the matters of dealing with winter and even I can't stand Minnesota weather. Winter is snowier and colder than Wisconsin and you don't have those cool refreshing Great Lakes breezes to cool you off in the summer. No wonder nobody visits Voyageurs National Park. Maybe if you had enough real coastline for it to give you a more temperate climate like eastern Wisconsin your weather wouldn't be so miserable.
And your pro sports teams... Lol not even worth a paragraph. Congrats on all your NFL ti... Oh wait.
Which brings us to the University of Minnesota Golden Gophers. I've already discussed your piss poor excuse for a mascot, but I cannot reiterate enough how goddamn stupid it is to have a non-predator as a mascot. Gophers literally just exist to get eaten by things higher on the food chain. Like Badgers. Honey Badgers will eat venomous snakes. Gophers eat worms and the back nine of golf courses. I won't get into the safety school aspect of your flagship university too much because that's what the comments are for, but I will note that one Big Ten school admitted me before I ever thought I'd hear back from them, and the one in my home state took about 2 months to send me an acceptance letter. I knew I would get into the first, the latter was a coin flip. I will also note that I have to see a single college ranking that puts Minnesota ahead of Wisconsin. Also how does a university that prides itself on hockey have less titles than Wisconsin? I mean we enjoy our hockey too, but we don't run around acting like we're gods at it or anything. That's just typical Minnesota for you. "Well if we shout about how great something in our state is constantly maybe no one will notice Wisconsin actually does it better". You might as well tell us you're better at basketball too. Protip- Academic scandals that vacate Final Fours probably aren't good for your college ranking. And football... Well. I was about to turn 12 the last time Minnesota actually had the Axe and Sean Paul was all the rage. I think NSYNC was still together too. God 2003 was a long time ago. I mean you almost had it in 2005 but...
It's almost disheartening to pick on Minnesota football. Jerry Kill wants to be Wisconsin so badly he had his QB go 5 for 18 in Madison. I think I saw Joel Stave go over to Mitch Leidner and show him how you're supposed to hold the ball when you throw it after the game.
"No Mitch, your fingers go like this on the laces"
"That's not what I do when I'm handing off though"
"No this is for when you want to make the ball go in the air"
"So like an air handoff?"
"Goddamnit you're worse than McEvoy at this"
/Walks away and picks up the Axe
That's horrendous. Stave had the yips and probably could've gone 5 for 18 against LSU anyway. And you're never going to get better RB recruits than Wisconsin. It's just a more appealing school. And more appealing state in general. That's ok though. You'll always have your ability to buy alcohol on Sundays and drown out your sorrows... OH WAIT. YOU CAN'T.
Seriously Minnesota, get your shit together. Stop sucking at everything, and actually get really good at the things you're supposedly great at. Or at least better than Wisconsin. It's kind of embarrassing to be your natural rival when we're better than you at everything and we know it.
GODDAMNIT MINNESOTA. I NEED SOME ALCOHOL I BOUGHT ON SUNDAY WHILE LOUNGING BY LAKE MICHIGAN BASKING IN THE THOUGHT THAT THERE'S AN AXE AND MORE HOCKEY NATIONAL TITLES IN THE TROPHY CASE IN MADISON AFTER THAT. GO PUT A SHITTY ROOF THAT WILL FALL APART ON SOMETHING. BETTER YET, BUILD A FOOTBALL STADIUM THAT'S THE SIZE OF NORTHWESTERN'S. GOD YOU'RE A JOKE MINNESOTA.