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Report: $32 million disappears from Big Ten coffers

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-satire-

According to sources at the Lafayette Courier Journal, Big Ten president Jim Delany authorized a payout of approximately $32 million to a "Purdue University", a fictional university purported to be in West Lafayette, IN.

An SEC whistleblower brought the facts to light after noticing that a "Purdue University" somehow received a larger payout from it's conference than the University of Alabama received from it's conference.

"It don't make no sense PAWLLLLLLLL," said Cletus McGuffy on the Paul Finebaum Show. McGuffy - known across Alabama message boards as GitRdunTide69 - took it upon himself to investigate the disparity and passed along the info to the SEC.

When asked for comment, a Southeastern Conference representative said "It appears Mr. McGuffy is not aware that we are not the same SEC that investigates financial fraud. Hell, we really don't investigate anything! Ha ha! We did however forward his concerns to the Securities and Exchange Commission."

Later, a spokesman for the Securities and Exchange Commission offered this statement: We are aware of the financial disparity in payouts between unknown and/or allegedly fictional Big Ten universities and Southeastern Conference powerhouses. However, these are not publicly traded entities, and the Securities and Exchange Commission does not have jurisdiction over the matter.

A team of investigative journalists led by Ted Glover recently filed a FOIA request for records from the Department of Education pertaining to "Purdue University". Those records were hand delivered by a courier yesterday, and the courier was promptly notified to vacate Mr. Glover's lawn.

According to a source close to Ted, the documents are heavily redacted, and the name "Purdue" does not appear anywhere, though an address is visible which matched the address to which the check from the Big Ten offices was mailed. The source is considered extremely credible, and has once been played whiffle ball on Ted's lawn.

The question remains: why would Jim Delany authorize such a large payment to a fictional school? An anonymous Michigan State fan claims to have proof that Purdue is being used to funnel money to traditional Big Ten powers Ohio State and Michigan:

Sorry for not providing my real name, but you have to understand that I could be in danger for exposing the truth. You see, how it works is, Delany pays a fake school - let's call it Purdue. Then Purdue schedules MAC schools, and gives them mega big payouts. These MAC schools are disproportionately in Ohio and Michigan. Since the MAC schools receive more money, they don't need as big of subsidies from their state governments, and the money earmarked for MAC universities is quietly funneled to Michigan and OSU. They're all in on it. Delany. Kasich. Snyder. Everyone. I have proof of this! I can't send it to you because I have evidence that they're monitoring my communications. Last time I tried to contact anyone regarding this, Bo and Carl Pelini showed up in my mom's basement to intimidate me. They were sent by Jim Tressel. Oh, you think Tressel left OSU because of a scandal? No, that was just a farce. Jim Tressel went back to Youngstown to run the mob. Everything in college football is run by Youngstown Mafia and Jim Delany, and they have an interest in protecting OSU and Michigan. Who do you think really got Harbaugh to Michigan? Eddie Debartolo. Duh. It's crazy man. And scary. But it's all connected. And don't forget the Jews. Les Wexner is heavily involved in this.Just know when you're reading this, you're being watched. So tread carefully.

- SpartyTruthSeeker247

Another Big Ten fan, J.P. Conners from Derry, PA, is convinced "Purdue" is just a school Delany made up to keep money away from Penn State. Posting on the BWI - McAndrew Forum under the handle "ripJoePaSuccessWithHonorAlways", Conners contends Delany has always hated PSU and longs for his beloved Nittany Lions to be in the ACC.

"Screw the Big Ten. I'd rather be in the ACC anyway. I'd rather play Boston College, North Carolina, and Virginia than Ohio State, Michigan, and Nebraska", Conners said on the message board.

While the heavily redacted document is not necessarily proof that Purdue does not in fact exist, it is enough to motivate one lawyer to look into the matter more. Graham Filler - founder of an award winning sports journalism website - has decided to travel to West Lafayette to personally investigate.

"Does Purdue exist? I don't know," said Filler. "I guess I'll find out. When I first saw this, I said to myself 'What's a Purdue, and why are they getting a larger payout from their conference than a powerhouse like Alabama is getting from its conference?'. All I know is, there seems to be $32 million missing. I know the Big Ten added two other schools recently that I'd never heard of, so perhaps it's possible that they added a third without any of us knowing. I'd like to think that's the case, but I'm not convinced of their existence".