clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

BIG 2015 // Nebraska's performance review

New, 452 comments

Nebraska gets a bad perfornance review at DelanyCorp (aka the B1G)

The designer of Nebraska's Adidas Uniforms
The designer of Nebraska's Adidas Uniforms
Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

Once again, we go to a conference room at (DelanyCorp) Big Ten headquarters in Rosemont, Illinois. Nebraska Athletic Director Sean Eichorst has been invited to a meeting with DelanyCorp CEO Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany.

Big-ten-headquarters-1_medium

Angry Delany
Sean, come on in, it's time for Nebraska's quarterly quadrennial performance review.

When we brought you in from Bevo State Penitentiary The Big 12, we knew we were bringing in a historical powerhouse with 3 recent national championships and 5 altogether. We thought you'd be back to your winning ways and challenging everyone for a national championship.

Ahem...

So, what have you done since you joined us?

Year Division Division standings Won Conference Win Loss Bowl Results
2011 Legends 3rd No 9 4 L
2012 Legends 1st No 10 4 L
2013 West Tied 2nd No 9 4 W
2014 West Tied 2nd No 9 4 L

Angry Delany
By Nebraska's historical standards, that's an embarrassment.

Sean Eichorst
The time and situation have changed since the mid 90s! Surely you of all people understand that!

Angry Delany
How hard is it for Nebraska to win the conference anyway? Let's look at your *snort* division;

Illinois is the employee football team that's drunk shitty every 5 out of 6 years, then sobers up somehow gets good and does something outstanding or partially decent.

Iowa's old, stale and stolid and about to fall apart like the Hosni Mubarak regime in Egypt in 2011.

Northwestern's a little unsteady now. They might get better or they might stay barely above water. Who the fuck knows with those nerds?

Minnesota's building up their reputation program and will end up challenging  regional employee of the year West Division power Wisconsin.

And some nosy jackass named "The Humble Buckeye" (as if there is such a thing) is onto my "Purdue University" money laundering scheme.

There's no plausible excuse why Nebraska can't be the best regional employee division champ that contends for employee of the year conference and national championship.

Sean Eichorst
You're being completely unreasonable. We've had some accomplishments since we've joined!

Angry Delany
Oh really?

Pelini got nuked in his only conference championship game by Wisconsin

You guys beat Northwestern on a hail mary (and probably watch this video too many times to count)

Angry Delany
Also, your office manager coach was a sideshow freak that got made fun of by a crazy lawyer in Chicago with a twitter account!

So let's review your performance improvement plan new coaching hire: Mike Riley??!? I checked with our west coast competitor called around the Pac 12 and found out he was basically coasting until retirement. You didn't even make the effort to hire San Francisco startup executive 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh? What kind of athletic director are you anyway?

Sean Eichorst
I stand by my personnel decision and I think it'll pay off.

Angry Delany
No, it won't. This won't do. I didn't bring you guys into the big ten so you could be just another team: I brought you in so that you'd have the success that Ohio State is having now. Do you think I want to receive texts from former SEC commissioner Mike Slive about his conference having more championships than mine??!? I want championships! I need them!! Ohio State's two championships in the past 15 years are not enough!!

And another thing, you let Minnesota's vile mascot and Faux Pelini make a trophy? Over TWITTER??!? You guys are killing me, our sponsors deserve to make trophies, this is the Big Ten of the future!

Sean Eichorst
I'll let Riley and the team figure that one out. Maybe they'll embrace it, maybe they'll discard it as a relic of the Pelini era.

Angry Delany
Speaking of relics of the past, Sean, you know what I've been telling you these past few years...

Sean Eichorst
/shifts uncomfortably in chair

Sean Eichorst
I have no idea what you're talking about, heh heh

Angry Delany
I'm talking about the inflatable wavy thing outside your office Lil' Red! That thing is creepy and needs to go.

Scared Sean Eichorst
Uhhh... why would you say that?

Angry Delany
Do you know what's more favorable than Lil Red?

The alternate uniforms introduced yesterday that look like they were designed by Lady Gaga! (And if she didnt make those, I wouldn't put it past her to be their designer in the future!)

ISIS!

Letting your girlfriend/wife/mother/daughter/any female have drinks with Bill Cosby!

Lil' Red is the leading cause of Autism in the midwest, don't listen to Anti-vaxxer twatwaffles like Jenny McCarthy or Jim Carrey.

Scared Sean Eichorst
Ahhh... please stop.....

Angry Delany
And you think I haven't heard the reports that he's building a cult of personality and slowly turning Lincoln into a totalitarian hellhole?

Libria

Lil Red Blimp

Scared Sean Eichorst
Nooooo. I know nothing!!! NOOOOO!!!! ITS HEERE!!!!!!!

Lil Red bounding upside down!
/ bounces in

Emperor Lil' Red!

Sean Eichorst
Angry Delany
LIL RED IS LOVE! LIL' RED IS LIFE! ALL HAIL LIL' RED!!!

Ed note: The resistance to Lil Red endures, nobly, but bravely. Perhaps that is a story for another day......

Serious Ed Note: Cobby at CornNation created the Lil' Red blimp image over Memorial Stadium.  Everything else I photoshopped poorly... heh heh.