B1G 2015 // Keeping the Enemy Close: Wisconsin

I don't need to tell many of you about the crimes of Wisconsin athletics.

An Axeless decade.

Going for 2, per the card.

Wisconsin scoring again.

83-20.

Constantly benefiting from the friendliest schedules the conference can dole out.

Piss-poor attendance even by student section standards (yes, every last one of you is a cirrhotic slob who can't dislodge your respective cheese-gnawing gullets from the nearest piss-beer spigot to make it to the game before halftime. We get it, you've mentioned that several thousand times).

Fleeing from the conference's baseball diamonds like the mewling little rodent-cowards they are.

Probably a whole bunch of BERT stuff I'm forgetting.

And of course, the ever-present, institutional commitment to flopping like little bitches. These and various other misdeeds are familiar to most of you and need no elaboration.

No, what we're here to discuss today is AD Barry Lorre's elevation of Billy Gardell, aka Mike Biggs, to the role of Wisconsin's head football coach. Wisconsin's status as one of the more prominent football programs in the conference demands better stewardship by Chuck Alvarez, and his failure to do so now threatens the well-being of the entire conference by placing control of his AD's flagship program in the hands of a capable actor, but a complete novice of a football coach.

Consult Wisconsin Head Coach Billy Gardell's Wikipedia page, found here. Despite his utter lack of football coaching or even playing experience, it's totally understandable why Pitt would have elevated Gardell to become their head coach a few years ago. He's a native son, he has the approximate physique of a typical Pittsburgh resident, and it's Pitt, they weren't going to get anyone worth having with a lick of experience anyway.

Wisconsin is not Pitt. Wisconsin, as their fans sometimes mention in their infrequent moments of sobriety, has been to three Rose Bowls in the last five years (and lost them all in humiliating fashion, but never mind that, I'm sure they have half-hearted excuses for all of them; after all, that one year they only had Russell Wilson and Montee Ball).

Alvalorre's elevation of Gardell to the head coaching job shines a brighter spotlight on his own failures. It now appears plain to see that his overbearing style caused Charlie Blelema's departure from the same job, his subsequent replacement by the lukewarm Gary Kutcher, and the ignominious end of Two and a Half Gordons with a meaningless series finale set in Tampa. Seinfeld had a more satisfying conclusion. I mean that.

Actually, come to think of it, his elevation of a lead character from a sitcom to head coach makes complete sense, because Wisconsin football is just that: a tired sitcom, worn into a comfortable rut, utterly lacking in originality or satisfactory resolution. Another whipping doled out to a hapless opponent? Check. Another suspiciously friendly schedule? Check. Another talentless quarterback who's at his best when he stays out of the way? Check. Another receiver group lacking any credible threat or discernible talent whatsoever? Check. Another disappointment in the rare meaningful game played by this program? Tune in September 5th!

At this point, all that's missing is the laugh track- though the next time Wisco into the Buckeyes, the rest of us will be sure to have that queued up- and the guest appearance by Henry Winkler.

You lost to Andrew Maxwell. You should be ashamed.