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The Fruit of the Poison Tree – An Ode to Ohio State Hate

Your Mascot, and State, and Team, and Aura...are not my favorite things.

Greg Bartram-USA TODAY Sports

You know what the first settler did when he crossed the Ohio River? He chopped down a fucking Buckeye tree. He didn't stand back and admire it. He didn't rest under its canopy. He didn't eat its nuts...

He. Cut. It. Down.

That should've been the end of the Buckeye in the state of Ohio...but noooo. Rather than learning from history, they named the state school after it.

Let's take a minute to examine the Buckeye, the namesake of the state school of Ohio. From a distance, it's almost an appealing tree. It is a medium sized tree, with rich green foliage. It is only on closer inspection that we see the true identity...

The sprawling canopy hides a litter of discarded hulls and inedible nuts.  Branches fan out like the desperate suburbs of Cleveland, trying to shield its dirty secrets from the rest of the forest. And it has a BIG secret.

You see, the Buckeye is an imposter.

It poses as its larger, grander, historic cousin, the American Chestnut. But the Buckeye just isn't that good. We adore the Chestnut tree for its beautiful wood, comforting shade, and delicious nuts. But a tragedy wiped most of those trees out. Now all we have left is the Buckeye, a pale imitation of a champion that tree.

It seems fitting that the school in Columbus would choose a useless, poisonous, wannabe chestnut tree as its mascot. Hell the buckeye they should be proud of was Ebenezer Sproat. The locals called him Hetuck or eye of the buck deer. That morphed into the Buckeye. He was a founder of the state and a righteous dude.

I wonder if there was even a debate over the school mascot - charismatic Hetuck or toxic fucking tree?  The fact that they went with the tree is sooo Ohio State.

So they took a useless, toxic tree as the school mascot, but it gets better. They put some poor bastard on the field dressed up as a nut with legs. He looks like the Boilermaker's left testicle.

And of course they named him Brutus.

Yes, the same name as that Italian guy, the one who stabbed Julius Caesar in the back. So, they named the incarnation of the toxic tree after a villain.

I could not make this shit up.

I admit that I'm a fan of neither the college nor the state. In 1992, my folks moved to Oxford, Ohio. After my first couple of drives up there...through the soul sucking, singlewide strewn, meth lab that is the West Virginia/Kentucky/Ohio geography, my visits dropped off dramatically.

And Columbus is the single worst place I have ever visited...a landlocked hellhole of urban sprawl. It has all the charm of an I-70 traffic jam in 90-degree summer heat. I would rather live in...well anywhere, anywhere at all, instead of that piss pot.

I admit that, prior to Penn State joining the BIG, I didn't give a shit about the Buckeyes. As far as I was concerned, Ohio was a football "flyover" state on the way to South Bend. For rivals, I looked east to hate those Boston College pricks...and south toward cesspool of cheating that was the Miami Hurricanes.

But I'm talking history here. The world has changed since then. Now, a guy I went to Penn State with is the coach of the damn Hurricanes, Penn State is in the Big Ten, and Ohio State actually won a national championship.

Let me tell you a story about these OSU was 2006. My boss invited me to his house for the National Championship Game. This was my first job out of graduate school and I was excited to have it. I wanted to make a good impression on the higher ups. I get to the house and there are seven UF alumni, some poor bastard from Iowa (he didn't even go to college, he just grew up in Iowa), and myself.

My boss slaps $20 on the counter, looks at me and says, "The Gators are going to chomp the shit out of these Midwestern fucks."

So, I am forced to be the token Big Ten supporter in this horror scenario. At that time, I didn't even like the BIG. I was still steamed that we joined this rust-belt dominated P.O.S. conference. I was forced to watch teams I'd never considered...and what in the hell is a Purdue anyway? Suddenly, I not only have to root for these bastards, I have money on the game. What a bunch of shit.

It felt like an episode of The Office.

Remember, OSU went into this game as the consensus #1 team in the country. They were hard to like, unless you were a serial band-wagon jumper. I am not. The team reminded me of those ugly Miami teams of Michael Irvin and Vinny Testaverde.

This Buckeye team was loaded just like Miami was...Troy Smith had the hardware. He won the Heisman that year. He was throwing to the ultimate bigmouth, Ted Ginn Jr.

I was stuck rooting for them, just to get my $20 back. I hated myself. And I couldn't even get blotto because I was at my boss' house.

It was a disaster. The Gators DE Derrick Harvey met Troy Smith in the backfield...again and again and again. Ted Ginn's ankle was more fragile than the heels on those fancy shoes that Tim Tebow hides in the back of his closet with his lace thong.

Things got out of hand. As soon as Florida got a big lead, the entire OSU team quit. The vaunted offense looked pedestrian, while the Florida team looked unbeatable. Troy Smith still has nightmares from the UF defense.

At the half, it was a fucking rout...34 to 14 Gators. That game was so bad, most of the folks at the party just ignored the second half. It was embarrassing.  It's one thing to be's another to be completely outclassed.

The UF quarterback, Chris Leak, was the player of the game and he only threw one touchdown. Tim Tebow, the dumbass backup quarterback who only played five snaps, scored two touchdowns. OSU did everything in their power to make UF, and the SEC by proxy, look unstoppable in that game.

Thanks a ton. Oh, and you owe me twenty bucks.

That said, these guys seem to represent the conference damn near every year. I cannot believe the teams in the BIG can't sack up enough to send a different champ to a decent bowl game. Seriously, you guys are pathetic.

Last year Penn State had something like one scholarship! [poetic license, simmer down]and we took them to two overtimes.  Jesus Sparty, WTF? Can't you or meat chicken or the Badgers (now there's a whole ‘nother cluster) beat these nuts once in a while.

I know we can't count on that vomit burp of a team in Illinois or the patsies in Indiana. But for crying out loud, the Buckeyes are the only Big Ten team most people know.

That's our national representation, the teams that can't win bowl games. So, when we send Illinois to the Vomit Bowl, where Louisiana Tech rolls them 35 to 18, it simply extends the image created by those horrifucking games OSU played in.

It wasn't just Ohio State though. How many times did you send Wisconsin to get their ass kicked in the Rose Bowl? I mean for crying out loud, the Badgers seriously suck at Rose Bowling. Do you realize that the Pac-10 beat us 9 of the last 11 meetings. Yeah Sporty, I see yer hand up...but this was your first trip there since 1988.

That's a 24 year gap. What have you been doing there in East Lansing?

I mean come on, both Purdue and Illinois were there more recently than you. Let that sink in you arrogant bastards.

Even Iowa...IOWA...had a more recent trip. So yeah, you made it there this year, and won. Nice. Here's your pat on the back. Oh and Michigan's been there 8 times between your two visits. But hey, they suck too.

It's no wonder the Big Ten is the laughing stock of the college football world. The nation sees us as a bunch of choke artists. Think I'm kidding, ask an ACC football fan. That's a joke. There are no ACC football fans. Just a bunch of tie-wearing, yuppie douche bags. Even Illinois has more fans than ACC teams.

But I digress...we were talking about Ohio State.

Here's a stat for you Buckeyes to chew on: since 1890, you won 21 out of 45 bowl games. So in 125 years, you can't muster a winning record? A century and a quarter of history and you won 21 bowl games. You seriously suck.

But hey, a 47% is a passing grade when you don't come to play skool, right?

That's okay, you have a shiny new coach that's already changing your culture. He's got all the bestest quarterbacks on his roster. He's so good, his punter is a better quarterback than anyone on Minnesota's roster.  Beckman offered to give him head for just one transfer student.

And good for you...he already locked in a National Championship. Winning feels good, doesn't it? That's great. Flash the rings, rub it in a bit. Maybe shine up the ol' BIG in your reflected glory.

Yep Urbz is the real deal...he is a masterful game planner and a great recruiter. He's also a real dick if you piss him off...

Speaking of which, is he insured? You should probably make sure he is getting regular checkups. Tell him to take his vitamin C. And you know, keep his stress level down. All that recruiting travel isn't good for a man with his, ah, condition.

Airports are tough places for a guy with a delicate constitution. We wouldn't want him to stress his muscle-heart-valve-fibrillation or whatever the fuck he didn't have when he bailed on UF like a frat boy ditching the tab at the bar.

But hell, you have Joey Bosa, who is a decent lineman. And you have Larry Johnson Sr. [sobs uncontrollably] who will make him much, much better. You bastards.

I tried to watch the Penn State spring football game on BTN, but it was delayed thanks to the godawful televised fellatio that was the Big Ten Network coverage of your spring game. Your QB situation was all the drama of a staged Kardashian pregnancy. And hey Big Ten, get ready to hear about that all fucking season. We'll be seeing the merits of the non-starting OSU quarterbacks during every lull of every game. Otherwise known as Rutgers' entire season.

So there you have it. I hate you bastards, with your fancy fucking rings and my favorite former coach. Go pound sand, pricks. Oh yeah, and I wrote this at a fifth grade level so the assholes from New Jersey can actually understand it.

However, there is one thing we can all agree on - Maryland can eat a bag of dicks.

Yours Truly,