clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Ranking the 2015 B1G Football Games: 95-78

New, 83 comments

What's that, you say? We're jumping from 100 to 95? Remember what the 'N' stands for...

You'll never guess who makes a whole bunch of appearances.
You'll never guess who makes a whole bunch of appearances.
Sandra Dukes-USA TODAY Sports

We're rolling right on in our attempt to rank all 112 football games in the Big Ten for the 2015 season. Now, I know you might be thinking, "But MNWildcat, last week the numbering started at 116! How could there only be 112 games?"

This is what happens when you let a Nebraskan do your math.

Rest assured, there are 112 games featuring Big Ten squads, and we're picking up our countdown not where Jesse's weird Korean-Nebraskan math left off, but actually where the numbering should begin: #95.

2015 B1G Game Rankings: Part 1, 116-100*

If you feel so inclined, check out Jesse's rankings from the first part of the series, replete with an...interesting theme. As I'm not nearly as creative, I'll be following the original Pokemon numbering and choosing the attack that Pokemon learns in Red/Blue/Yellow that most closely corresponds to that game.

(This is the part where you skip ahead to the comments and rage about "I don't get it" or complain that Crystal was totally better or something. Knock yourself out. Just be sure to vote in the poll.)

95. Troy @ Wisconsin (9/26, 2:30pm, BTN) - Onix

Why is this still a game, Wisconsin?

Corresponding Attack (Bind): Enjoy as Wisconsin wraps itself around Troy and slowly but surely squeezes the life out of the Trojans by halftime. Boring, annoying, but super effective when your opponent's not that fast.

94. Hawaii @ Wisconsin (9/19, 7pm, BTN) - Gengar

Ohhhh now I understand: you'll need a recovery game after the massive test that is a home visit from Hawaii. After all, you're levelling the playing field by having this game be at a more manageable time for the Warriors.

Corresponding Attack (Night Shade): Ineffective against Normal-types, but Hawaii's no Normal team now, are they? [pause for laughter.] Anyways, this game takes place at night. Sometimes they just write themselves, kids.

93. Hawaii @ Ohio State (9/12, 2:30pm, BTN) - Haunter

They came all this way and you're not even playing it at night, Ohio State. Be nice. This gets the nod over Hawaii-Wisconsin because Ohio State has the potential for some exciting offensive plays, not just bullying a bunch of undersized WAC MWC players.

Corresponding Attack (Lick): The Warriors will be paralyzed by the smooth-yet-sudden motion of the Buckeye offense. (Ed. note: This is seeming like a worse idea the farther I go.)

92. Southern Miss @ Nebraska (9/26, 11am) - Gastly

Southern Miss has won like, 4 games in the last 3 years. Don't bother fact-checking me - I didn't do any research to see if this is actually true. Regardless, Nebraska's managed to make a meal out of non-conference games in the last couple years, so tune in! Who knows!

Corresponding Attack (???): Much like how the Gastly of the animated series could be a beautiful maiden one minute, then an ugly hag the next, I have no idea what this game is going to be. I expect that, like the show, it'll find a way to be both in 30 minutes.

91. Kent State @ Minnesota (9/19, 11am, BTN) - Cloyster

I'll give MACrifices the nod over Sun Belt/MWCrifices, if only because we've seen enough MACrifice shenanigans to hold out hope. But rest assured: Minnesota will probably grind this one into the ground.

Corresponding Attack (Clamp): The Gophers' plodding attack will clamp down on any enjoyment in this one, stopping the Golden Flashes in their tracks (do Flashes leave tracks?).

90. Kansas @ Rutgers (9/26, 11am) - Shellder

Only the fact that Rutgers is still a little bit of a novelty and could potentially give up a ton of points to a bad Kansas offense makes this a watchable matchup. Tune in! See if the first team to 40 wins!

Corresponding Attack (Supersonic): This game will be noisy, often pointless, and probably confusing. Best fit yet.

89. Central Michigan @ Michigan State (9/26, TBD) - Muk

Michigan State will be fun to watch as they tear apart a MACrifice.

Corresponding Attack (Pound): It just feels appropriate.

88. Western Michigan @ Ohio State (9/26, TBD) - Grimer

Will ROW ROW ROW put a scare in the Buckeyes? Probably not. But dare to dream!

Corresponding Attack (Pound): Do you see a theme here?

87. North Texas @ Iowa (9/26, TBD) - Dewgong

The triumphant return of Dan McCarney to Kinnick Stadium, where he's 3-3 lifetime, makes this an enjoyably watchable potential Iowa collapse.

Corresponding Attack (Take Down): While this attack resembles the body-slamming that Iowa should dole out to teams like North Texas, there's always the little bit of self-inflicted damage that a Take Down deals back to the attacker. With Iowa, there's always the chance that it could be fatal.

86. Buffalo @ Penn State (9/12, 11am, ESPN2/ESPNU) - Seel

Buffalo's depth at the offensive skill positions could be an interesting test for Penn State's something-class defense, and its weak defense could be a fun on-tracking performance for "Trevor Siemian with a better publicist." Tune in to see how Lance Leipold, fresh off his unstoppable run at UW-Whitewater, does in his first year at Buffalo.

Corresponding Attack (Growl): Just like Penn State's defense to lower the attack of its opponents...but will that defense be enough to win the day?

85. MSU "@" WMU (9/4, 6pm, ESPNU) - Dodrio

Hey, it's on a Friday night, but definitely at Waldo Stadium--fire the cannon! Row the boat! Other confusing non-Bronco metaphors--and not at Ford Field. Friday night is still something, right?

Corresponding Attack (Drill Peck): Do you see what will probably happen here?

84. Minnesota @ Purdue (10/10, TBD) - Doduo

Will this be this year's Minnesota @ Illinois? God, we can only hope.

Corresponding Attack (Peck): Like the beatdown MSU will apply to WMU, only slower and more agonizing. Y'know, in the way that being slowly pecked to death by 3 yards and a cloud of dust drives that last 20:00 is agonizing.

83. Illinois @ Iowa (10/10, 11am) - Farfetch'd

Yawn. But B1G football or something!

Corresponding Attack (Sand Attack): I imagine Greg Davis and Kirk Ferentz's offense as a duck holding a leek, throwing sand at opponents in the hope that they won't see it flapping its wings futilely.

82. Purdue @ Northwestern (11/14, TBD) - Magneton

A bleak game, to be played under the bleak Evanston sky in the middle of bleak November. But if either team is flirting with bowl eligibility, this could serve as a nice play-in game to the rest of the schedule.

Corresponding Attack (Swift): As in please God, let this game end swiftly.

81. Nebraska @ Purdue (10/31, TBD) - Magnemite

Are you seeing a theme here? The Big Red Steamroller comes to West Lafayette, and unless things are really going pear-shaped in the Mike Riley Era, expect a boring but enjoyable Big Red stomping, replete with plenty of audible "Go Big Red" chants.

Corresponding Attack (Sonicboom): The potential for sound emitted by Nebraska fans as their team slowly grinds Purdue into a pulp, 20 hit points at a time.

80. Purdue @ Iowa (11/21, TBD) - Slowbro

A battle of Most Hated Rivals, in November, hopefully with snow flying. Take the under, but if Purdue beats Northwestern the week before, this game could be fraught with some interesting ramifications.

Corresponding Attack (Amnesia): Appropriate Pokemon, and what you'll wish you had after watching this game.

79. Illinois @ Penn State (10/31, TBD) - Slowpoke

Illinois' second-most surprising win from 2014, rematched in Happy Valley. Does Tim Beckman have anything else up his sleeve? The Illini's bowl eligibility could depend on it.

Corresponding Attack (Confusion): Thanks to Tim Beckman's mother for providing this baby picture.

78. Army @ Rutgers (11/21, 11am, CBSSN) - Rapidash

Seriously. An entertaining little rivalry comes to West Point in late November, hopefully with some snow flying, as Jeff Monken attempts to rebuild the Black Knights' triple option attack. If he's succeeding and Army is still flirting with bowl eligibility, this could be a nice little trap game for a Rutgers team looking ahead to Maryland.

Corresponding Attack (Ember): Expect this game to slowly smolder until someone, mercifully, puts it out.

Wow, you made it this far? Here, enjoy a PokeRap, and be sure to vote in the poll! All images were courtesy of their respective Pokemon's page on Bulbapedia, the community-driven Pokemon encyclopedia. I don't own Pokemon, which I'm sure is a licensed trademark of something like Hasbro or Nintendo or something.

That's all, folks! Stay tuned for the next installment of 2015 B1G Game Rankings, as another "writer" does a far-more appealing ranking and analogizing of the best B1G games this season!