I'm not gonna lie. I had an entire Power Poll idea set and ready to go, but I'm going to push that off a week or so and let the real star here shine. BigRedTwice emailed me last night and was like, "Jesse, I have a great idea," and let me be the first to say that I'm a sucker for a good idea. And so, all credit to her on this one. I mean, I made sure InsertName's distribution of votes graphs were put in there and got the structure together, but this is all her writing. Huge props to the effort it took and I hope you all enjoy it. At minimum, this is something completely different, so that's fun.
Also, here's a quick look at how things are shaping up so far in the polls:
Anyhow, just keep in mind that there were 17 voters this week at the time of me pulling data, and that the graphs are ever evolving. Again, big thanks to InsertName for putting those together, and if you have questions about the other data, well, use context clues and ask questions in the comments. -JC
After Jesse expressed his wish to diversify weekly rundowns of the teams from yet another video game or niche dude TV show, I decided to help him branch into the little-explored world of sports and cosmetics connections by pairing each team with its ideal nail polish color. This list then, is not just one more rundown, but an educational rundown--
Without further ado, a team-specific guide to prettifying your nails.
As shiny as their NC trophy... sigh.
1. Ohio State Buckeyes (2-0) - Need for Speed
234 Points || 13 FPV || High 1 || Low 2 || LW 1 || Change 0
Description: "A stunning, ultrametallic lacquer."
That's a pretty boring description, but when you're good, you're good, and fancy phrasing isn't necessary. And frankly, OSU has been nothing less than stunning since late last season. Ohio State didn't beat Hawaii (polish color: That's Hula-rious) last week quite as convincingly as expected, but that was no doubt out of respect for their amazing uniforms. Even if that performance wasn't stunning, beating OSU this season is still going to be tougher than removing glitter nail polish (for those who have never tried it... that's very, very tough.)
Get it, Dantonio!
2. Michigan State Spartans (2-0) - Shake Your $$ Maker
225 Points || 4 FPV || High 1 || Low 2 || LW 2 || Change 0
Description: "Light up the fashion scene in this electric green nail color and shake, strut, and sashay your way up the ladder of $uccess."
No one can deny that MSU has been shaking, strutting, and yes, sashaying up the ladder of success in the past few years, and the Spartans arguably climbed another rung on Saturday by knocking off Oregon in the week's premier game. It was a closely fought contest, and while MSU wasn't without flaws, it was a solid performance that kept Oregon from making its customary 8-10 sashays into the endzone. Keep doing your thing, and $$$$$ and success will continue to be yours.
Boy, that polish name made some of you shift uncomfortably in your seat, didn't it?
3. Wisconsin Badgers (1-1) - Size Matters
191 Points || High 3 || Low 7 || LW 3 || Change 0
Description: "Trade up and deck yourself out with this enormously beautiful, blazing hot ruby red nail lacquer. You deserve it."
After crashing and burning to the tune of 59-0 in last year's CCG and losing their coach to Oregon State, Wisconsin fans have since felt that they've "traded up" by welcoming home Paul Chryst. After finding out firsthand that Alabama remains one of the biggest boys in college football, the Badgers rebounded last week with hapless Miami Hydroxide. Favoring size has long been a strategy for Wisconsin, and last week's pounding confirmed that an improved Joel Stave and yet another batch of enormous cheese-fed linemen may treat the Badgers to another December meeting with Ohio State. Yay?
A very strong contender for Northwestern's polish was "Butler, Please." Yes, really.
4. Northwestern Wildcats (2-0) - Lost My Bikini in Molokini
185 Points || High 3 || Low 7 || LW 9 || Change 5
Description: "With this reef-inspired purple, what's one bikini more or less?"
Oh Northwestern. Demonstrating your posh vacations and apparently extensive bikini collection all in one nail polish title, you rich jerks. We'd expect no less. In any event, after a somewhat surprising win over Stanford and an emphatic win over Eastern Illinois, you're suddenly ranked and looking for a post-season trip to somewhere warm and bikini-friendly. Keep up the good work though, or you'll be dodging gutter slush in NYC instead of casually losing swimwear for your butlers to retrieve.
Party like a Scandinavian Lutheran.
5. Minnesota Golden Gophers (1-1) - Thank Glögg It's Friday!
162 Points || High 4 || Low 8 || LW 4|| Change -1
Description: "The start of the weekend is nothing to wine about!"
Weirdly enough, there are no nail polishes named after gophers, lutefisk, or Dilly Bars, so glögg it is. Time was, not so long ago, when the start of the weekend really WAS something to whine about for Minnesota fans, because most football Saturdays just weren't that much fun. But the Gophers have steadily improved year by year under Jerry Kill, and now they look to make some noise in the Big Ten West. However, last weekend's scary overtime victory over Colorado State showed that the Golden Rodents still have some work to do. Luckily, they've got Kent State and Ohio (non "THE" version) on the docket the next two weeks, which should give their fans at least a couple more weekends of partying hardy, eh?
Bright yellow isn't really the ideal color for pasty people, is it?
6. Iowa Hawkeyes (2-0) - I Just Can't Cope-acabana
149 Points || High 4 || Low 9|| LW 8 || Change 2
Description: "Nothing lifts your spirits like this sunshine yellow."
Hey, if you lived in Iowa, you'd probably be willing to try bright yellow nail polish to lift your spirits too, right? In any event, so far this season, Iowa fans' spirits haven't needed lifting as much as they and others probably expected. A decisive win against their hated and feared rival Iowa Illinois State has done much to make for a merry 2015 thus far. A strong showing in the West division and dominance in the Quadrangle of Hate could make mood-lifting nail polish entirely unnecessary by December. But if Ferentz returns to his maddeningly conservative ways for yet another season, Hawkeye fans really may not be able to cope(acabana).
7. Nebraska Cornhuskers (1-1) - Red My Fortune Cookie
143 Points || High 5|| Low 9|| LW 5 || Change -2
Description: "And this rich red is in my future."
Boy, wouldn't Husker fans love to know what this season holds in store for them? After a gutting Hail Mormon handed the stunned Huskers their first home opener loss since 1985, many fans felt more apprehensive about the season than ever. Routing South Alabama was cathartic, and offered an enjoyable preview of the best of Terrell Newby and Tommy Armstrong, but it was also against... South Alabama. Husker fans are excited, anxious, and hopeful about the "Mike Riley Era," but two weeks into the season, still don't have a good idea of what to expect. Will next week in Miami promise good fortune or bad omens for the rest of the season?
Boy, doesn't Illinois know it.
8. Illinois Fighting Illini (2-0) - A Good Man-darin Is Hard to Find
117 Points || High 4 || Low 10 || LW 13 || Change 5
Description: "But you've found it--in this zesty red-orange!"
Could that description be a prophecy? Is Illinois' next coach a.... ginger? A zesty one at that? Some people would consider that a very bad thing, so consider yourself warned, Illinois. However, maybe thinking about coaching isn't a big deal right now, since you're looking better than you have in a long time. It was only a directional in-state school, but safe to say you exceeded most expectations last week. Keep up the good work, and your prophesied redhead may appear soon.
I know, I know... Michigan gets TWO polishes? Harbaugh!!!
9. Michigan Wolverines - Dating a Royal AND Khaki, No. 204
115 Points || High 5 || Low 11 || LW 7 || Change -2
Description: "A royal blue that sets crowns spinning!"
Description: "Discover saturated hues direct from the runway, intense, highly pigmented tones reflecting the British weather and landscape, and subtle hues of nude inspired by the trench coat, the most iconic of all Burberry garments." (Note: This is $22/bottle nail polish, meaning that only someone who made $7 million this year would be likely to buy it.)
The much ballyhooed Harbaugh Era began this past Saturday, Michigan fans and the media jointly deciding that Week One and its unfavorable result did not count. Oregon State posed little challenge for Michigan, at least after the first half. The stars thus aligned for Michigan as they should be, UM fans continue to act like they are dating a royal, lavishing praise on His Highness Harbaugh, King of the Khakis.
Delicious, fat-free, and highly flammable.
10. Indiana Hoosiers (2-0) - Marshmallow
77 Points || High 6 || Low 13 || LW 12 || Change 2
Description: "Sugary, soft, and sweet. This lovely nail color is just totally irresistible. For French manicures, cloudy sheer white lacquer is confection perfection."
Indiana knows a thing or two about confection perfection as the originators (or at least perfecters) of candy striped athletic wear. Unfortunately, that's where the positive connections to a sheer white nail polish named for a sugary sweet end. More unfortunately, the negative connections might be even more apt than the positive, because just like a marshmallow, Indiana's defense has again proven to be very soft and very sweet to opposing teams, creating shoot-out situations with lesser opponents that keep the Indiana faithful in awful suspense. Anyone who has ever roasted a marshmallow knows that it's a delicate procedure, prone to fiery failure right up to the very end--so far this season, watching Indiana play football has been much the same.
You already know where this is going, don't you?
11. Penn State Nittany Lions (1-1) - Blue My Mind
63 Points || High 9 || Low 13 || LW 6 || Change -5
Description: "Sizzling sapphire."
Poor, poor, PSU fans. There's really nothing that prepares you for losing to Temple for the first time in literally decades. At home. Emphatically. It "blue" your mind, it "blue" our mind. Luckily, last week you bounced back against Buffalo, but that rightly did little to allay fears in Happy Valley. Luckily, you've got the Rutgers "Lost-to-Washington-State" Scarlet Knights next week, and poor, hapless Army in two weeks, which might give you a couple of good shots at victory. While you'd all love to see something "sizzle" on the football field, if things don't heat up very quickly, the only thing sizzling will be James Franklin's seat.
12. Purdue Boilermakers (1-1) - Out of Sight
53 Points || 1 LPV || High 9 || Low 14 || LW 14 || Change 2
Description: "Chunky gold glitter. This savvy alternative to your traditional topcoat transforms any nail color with innovative textures and stunning effects. Dabble with color and texture options, or play with dimension by layering over your favorite shades."
Congratulations Purdue on not being the punchline of the week this week! It was only Indiana State, but it could have gone much, much, MUCH worse for you, so credit where it is due for taking care of the Sycamores more or less how you were supposed to after a disastrous debut against Marshall. You've got a pretty aspirational description for your nail color, but maybe focus on a few of those adjectives and see where they lead you. Otherwise, you'll once again be "out of sight," out of mind.
The Color of New York City for New York City's College Team*
13. Rutgers Scarlet Knights (1-1) - Big Apple Red
37 Points || 6 LPV || High 10 || Low 14 || LW 10 || Change -3
Description: "Bright, shiny, and ready to take on the world!"
Three guesses as to whether that description was written about the nail polish or about Rutgers football team. That was bad, Rutgers. Ray has written a little recap of what went wrong, but suffice to say, losing to a team that lost to Portland State (Portland State!) one week earlier does not bode well for the rest of the season. Or for getting NYC to tune in to your football games.
*Claims made in this caption do not reflect the opinions of this "writer."
Talk about living up (down?) to a name.
14. Maryland Terrapins (1-1) - Bungle Jungle
34 Points || 10 LPV || High 10 || Low 14 || LW 11 || Change -3
Description: "It's a jungle in here. This hot pearlescent hibiscus flame lacquer shows off your instinctively stylish taste as you blend into the wild."
Ok then. The "instinctively stylish taste" thing seems to be in error given your team's penchant for jesteresque uniforms, but there's still a lot that works here for the Maryland fan. First, you've found out that it really is a jungle for you in the Big Ten, and heck, for that matter, in the MAC. Anywhere west of the Delaware Triangle, in fact, promises to be a scary expedition for Maryland once conference play starts (except Indiana. The state has few jungle-like qualities either in literal fact, or for the football purposes of this analogy). Second, this color is described as "flame," and your play at times this season has been compared to a fire of the tire variety, so that totally works. Third, turtle-like creatures DO live in the jungle. I'd offer something fun and educational here about the turtles of the world's rainforests, but instead I will focus on the fact that there was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode called "Turtles of the Jungle" that featured, among other things, a 30-foot-tall pet monkey named Jocko. There's probably a lesson somewhere in that episode for you, Maryland.
Again, huge thanks to BigRedTwice for an awesome Power Poll and for giving me a week off. Also, thanks to InsertName. If you want to see a gallery of all these graphs along with source data and some other neat tracking graphs, go ahead and click here.