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What I Want in the Non-Con, 2015: Week 4

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Let's just not screw this up, huh?

Go Wahine!
Go Wahine!
Trevor Ruszkowski-USA TODAY Sports

Well that was an awful lot of fun we had last week, wasn't it? Pretending to get mad that Maryland and Rutgers weren't including in the Big Ten, as if they actually are or something?

Wait. Seriously? That's a thing that's happening now? Fine.

All games Saturday, all times CST, you heathens.


Kansas at Rutgers (-13.5) || BTN

I want this game to not happen. Like, both teams get stuck in remnants of POPETRAFFIC on the way to the stadium (why it's in Piscataway I have no idea, since why would the Pope go to Hell New Jersey?) and they just pretend it was never scheduled. That'd be nice.

#22 BYU at Michigan (-5) || ABC

I would love Michigan to just win here and expose BYU for the cheap-shotting, fraudulent 2-1 team that they are. Yep. That'd be nice.

Central Michigan at #2 Michigan State (-26.5) || BTN

Celebrate the State, Sparty! Just don't do anything stupid.

Southern Mississippi at Nebraska (-21.5) || ESPNN

The Cornhuskers desperately need to prove that they can stop the air-handoff before the Big Ten slate rolls around. Actually, looking around the they really? Might as well anyways. Win and cover.

Bowling Green (-2.5) at Purdue || BTN, Boilers. That's a lot to ask. But win, please, so BGSU doesn't have two wins over the Big Ten this year alone.


Indiana (-3.5) at Wake Forest || ESPN3

moar like JUST WINdiana, amirite?



Maryland at West Virginia (-17) || FS1

Cover the spread and don't embarrass us, Maryland.


North Texas at Iowa (-25) || ESPNU

Feast on this cupcake, Iowa, then come back and get mad at me when I still don't believe that the Hawkeyes are for real. I believe in you.

Ohio at Minnesota (-10.5) || BTN

Holy shit, only 10 points at home against #MACtion. Score 20 and cover this, Goldy. Prove that you can manufacture something approaching an offense.

San Diego State at Penn State (-15) || BTN

Build off the Rutgers win, cover this with impunity, and start accumulating a little momentum in Happy Valley. San Diego State will provide a nice test, but one that PSU should win. It'd be nice to see them win it early and not have to wear down the Aztecs.


Middle Tennessee State at Illinois (-6) || ESPNN

Only a 6-point line at home...oof. Put UNC behind you and run the Blue Raiders off the field, Illinois. Or don't. See if I care.


Ball State at Northwestern (-18.5) || BTN

Cover using your offense, 'Cats. Please. Seriously. I'm seriously asking. Please have an offense, or I will have been right in my article from Monday, and I'm just not ready to be right about this.

Hawaii at Wisconsin (-24.5) || BTN

Fuck Wisconsin.

So what does it mean?

What I Want:

12-2. I don't believe in either Purdue or Maryland getting it done. So I want to see wins the rest of the way, with teams that don't have offenses demonstrating that they do, in fact, know how to move the ball into that large painted space at the other end of the field.

What I Expect:

11-3. In addition to those two teams, someone else is going down. It may be Illinois. It could be Rutgers. It'll probably be Michigan. But I don't want to see 4 losses, because that'll mean we've done something really embarrassing.

Burn Mattresses in the Streets If...

8-6 happens. Maryland. Purdue. Illinois. Michigan. Rutgers. Northwestern or Minnesota or Indiana. Please please please don't let this happen because that'll mean I'll be kinda sad.

Unless YOUR non-Northwestern team loses, in which case I'll be back to shovel dirt onto your grave and/or be a wet blanket on your success! Stay tuned!