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Big Ten Expansion- Who Will Replace the Rutgers Scarlet Knights? (satire)

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Bergen Catholic juuuuuust missed the cut.

NCAA Football: Michigan at Rutgers Ed Mulholland-USA TODAY Sports

So with the (satirical) news that Delany has pulled his head out of his well compensated posterior and decided to fire the cannon, shooting Rutgers straight out of the conference, obviously someone has to replace them. Now the B1G should have its pick of the cream of the crop, because if there’s one thing Delany knows, it’s $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. So, let’s take a look at the pros and cons of the top candidates for how our fne conference replaces Rutgers. These are in no particular order, because even Jim Delany doesn’t know what Jim Delany’s gonna do at this point.

Texas

Pros

  • $$$$$$$$$$$$$$
  • Gives Nebraska a natural rival (trophy game?)
  • Makes West Division significantly better
  • Did I mention $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$?
  • Fertile recruiting ground
  • Large TV markets
  • $$$$$$$$$$$$$

Cons

  • Has own TV network
  • School with most experience with them hates them
  • Nebraska/Texas would absolutely be turned into a shitty trophy game
  • Do we need another OSU-like athletic department?
  • Not particularly close to any current B1G schools
  • Does not wear red

Oklahoma

Pros

  • Already has rivalry with Nebraska
  • Is not Texas
  • Strong football/basketball combination
  • National brand/$$$$$$$$
  • Cares more about football than Rutgers could ever fathom
  • Wears red

Cons

  • Average student couldn’t find Wisconsin on a map/academics
  • Endless shitty trophy possibilities
  • Is in Oklahoma
  • Boomer Sooner
  • Boomer Sooner
  • Boomer Sooner
  • Boomer Sooner

Kansas

Pros

  • Extremely good basketball program
  • Geographically congruent
  • AAU!
  • Something something “Old Big 8 rival of Nebraska’s” something something
  • Has red in color scheme

Cons

  • Extremely horrendous football program
  • Kansas is a beautiful place to be zero months of the year
  • Something something shitty trophy game with Nebraska something something
  • Basically Indiana 2.0
  • Red isn’t primary color

BYU

Pros

  • Improves the chances of B1G Manifest Destiny
  • Could be used to incite holy war against Notre Dame
  • Just beat Michigan State

Cons

  • Culturally anti-B1G
  • DOESN’T ALLOW DRINKING
  • SEE BULLET ONE AND TWO
  • Does not wear red

North Dakota State

Pros

  • Beats Iowa and Minnesota
  • Good at hosting College GameDay
  • Likely border war with Minnesota

Cons

  • Fargo isn’t a major TV market
  • Would inevitably beat Wisconsin
  • Adds another shitty border war trophy
  • Does not wear red

Western Michigan

Pros

  • Illinois State Champions
  • Has a future B1G coach already
  • ROWROWROWROWROWROW
  • Would be able to out little brother MSU
  • Brings MACtion to the B1G stage
  • Lot of talented coeds

Cons

  • There’s already too many Michigan teams
  • What division do you put them in? Western Michigan can’t possiblly be in the eastern division
  • Would cause internal conflict for our esteemed MSU “writer”/WMU alum
  • Removes PJ Fleck from B1G coaching search articles
  • Does not wear red

UConn

Pros

  • Is good at basketball
  • Reasonably close to NYC market we just abandoned
  • Automatic national title for conference in Women’s Basketball
  • Has red in color scheme

Cons

  • Haven’t we learned our lesson about Northeast schools?
  • Best football export is Randy Edsall
  • Even the ACC doesn’t want them
  • Barely has red in color scheme

There is another way however. We all know sixteen team super conferences are coming, so we may as well add three teams instead of just one and get it rolling right now. Now, we could add some hodgepodge collection of schools already mentioned. Jim Delany scoffs at this notion. Why add established D1 athletic programs when you could just poach the top three D3 football programs, all of which are conveniently located in B1G territory? Beat that SEC. DELANY KNOWS BETTER THAN YOU, AND DELANY SAY ADD UW-WHITEWATER, MT. UNION, AND THE ONLY SCHOOL THAT CAN BEAT EITHER TEAM, THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-OSHKOSH TITANS.

UW-Whitewater

Pros

  • National titles in EVERYTHING
  • Would steal recruits from Iowa
  • Already has more people actually attending games (17,535 attendance for UWW/UWO on Saturday) than half the West Division
  • Realignment almost gives them too many natural rivals

Cons

  • Whitewater is a miserable cesspool of a place to visit
  • Dirtier football program than late 80s Miami Hurricanes
  • Football team makes Thugtans look like figure skaters not named Tonya Harding
  • Whitewater students are literally the worst people on the face of the Earth
  • Does not wear red

Mt. Union

Pros

  • Most dominant football program ever
  • OSU needs a new little brother with Harbaugh in Ann Arbor
  • Has P5 capable coaches in pipeline

Cons

  • We already have one too many private schools that wear purple
  • Probably the only program in the nation dirtier than Whitewater
  • P5 coaching pipeline contains Matt Campbell
  • Does not wear red

UW-Oshkosh

Pros

  • Party scene fits conference culture
  • Recently upgraded athletic facilities
  • Already would have an OTE “writer”
  • Tier one nursing school
  • 65% female student body
  • Disproportionate amount of talent for a school in Northeast Wisconsin (see two points above)
  • Men’s club volleyball team already beats B1G men’s club volleyball teams
  • Whitewater/Oshkosh rivalry already a trophy game

Cons

  • Broke ass athletic department due to building new rec center and renovating Titan Stadium too closely together #saveUWOgymnastics
  • Tier three school in everything else
  • UWW/UWO would need a new trophy due to unavailability of WIAC conference championship trophy, guaranteed to be shitty
  • Does not wear red