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Purdue Hires Tom Berkman As Head Football Coach (Satire)

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Berkman brings years of experience and some great referrals

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN - Purdue University athletic director Mike Bobinski announced that Tom Berkman will be the next head football coach of the Purdue Boilermakers in a press conference Wednesday morning.

“Tom brings a wealth of experience to the position, having coached major college football for six seasons,” said Bobinski, adding that Berkman was mentored by his experience on the staffs of Jim Tressel, Mike Gundy and Urban Meyer. “He will bring an intensity and a mustache that we’ve lacked in West Lafayette, and I’m very excited for this new era.”

Bobinski went on to mention Purdue’s recent run of bad luck with regards to injuries, specifically of the knee. “Tom Berkman is a man who does not believe in injuries, especially injuries of the hamstrings. He told me that there’s no reliable record of any player of his ever being diagnosed with an injury. I’m looking forward to him extending this track record here,” said Bobinski before yielding the microphone to Berkman.

“First off, I’d like to wish my mother a happy birthday today. I didn’t get the chance during the summer, so I’d like to send her my best wishes for her birthday,” said Berkman. “I’ve been raised with a football in my hands...This is as good a day as when I had my children born. You’re not just embracing a new head football coach in Tom Berkman, but you’re embracing a family. A family, a wife that will be willing, as I see our Boiler football players out there, willing, every Thursday night, to cook you lasagna, so I’ll be eating lasagna for thirteen straight weeks.”

Berkman went on to describe some of the measures he had already taken to kickstart his tenure in West Lafayette, including buying crimson practice jerseys to assign to players who think they are hurt. “We’ll call those players ‘Loosiers,’ because that’s the kind of losing mentality you’ll only find at The School Down South And A Little To The East,” said Berkman. “Boiler Up!”

Berkman explained a new interpretation of the familiar cheer. “We’ll say Boiler Up not just because it’s our cheer, but because of what it stands for. Bring Overwhelming Intensity...to Lead...and then the ‘E’ stands for Effort...in Respect and Understanding. Then the ‘P’ stands for Players, because at the end of the day, this is all about the players, and to be a player you have to play well and tough in practice and earn steaks and cakes. Loosiers will get beans and weenies.”

After restating “Boiler Up!,” Berkman produced a Skoal tin, procured a pinch of dip, placed it in his cheek and left the stage. At press time, Berkman had last been seen making phone calls to fill the “Third Down Offensive Coordinator” position on his organizational chart.