MAILBAG: Is Nebraska legit? How good is Penn State? What’s the best kind of scotch?

First, a brief caveat: This is a loooooong Mailbag. I just uploaded every question I got, and our writers went HAM on this. If your question isn’t included, it’s because there weren’t enough answers or enough quality answers to include it. But you’ll want to read to the end...

Seriously. Read to the end.

What did I ever do to Michigan State that they would want to make me so sad this year? --waw

GF: You failed to recruit heavily enough in 2012 and 2013. It’s ok, you can make up for it now by aggressively tweeting at all possible Spartan recruits.

Stew: This is because you touch yourself.

BRT: Maybe it’s a pre-emptive strike--you’ve got something terrible in the works for them that they’re punishing you for now.

GF3: You failed to use the subject line. Dantonio is a stickler for internet protocol.

Jesse: I’m sure there’s something we could say about captains and QBs and whatever, but the real answer is that you’re just young and trying to reload. You’re not Ohio State, so it’s going to take a year or two to get back to where you were.

"You have to score twice." - Down 8. Go. --ChiHawki [we've been told showing your work is optional but preferred]

GF: /Punts /Smiles wryly

babaoreally: You do technically have to score twice down eight, just like you do when down seven.

Nate: Does a safety count as you scoring or the other team scoring for you?

Stew: Excuse me, I’ll just be rocking in the corner.

Creighton: When Greg Davis is your offensive coordinator, everything you do seems twice as hard as it needs to be. What Ferentz really meant was “I’ll take the sure points because my offensive coordinator is a fucking moron”

Al NamiasIV: Don't worry. Ferentz will find a way to reach 7 wins. Bonuses and raises for everyone. Well done guys.

BRT: I, too, am pretty bad at math and strategy-based games. If Iowa would like to replace Kirk with me for a similar contract (or slightly less! I’m a reasonable person) please contact me through my profile e-mail address.

GF3: Am I getting paid a fuck-ton either way? If so, who cares?

Jesse: I mean… Semantics aside, there’s an argument that he didn’t necessarily make the wrong call with how much time was on the clock. THAT SAID. The fact that ol Kirk wasn’t exactly thinking that way - or so it seems - is problematic.

Since the popular opinion seems to be that Nebraska shouldn’t be in the top 10, given their current résumé, where would you re-rank them now? --rzor

Stew: 11th.

Al NamiasIV: 11-15. They are this year’s Iowa, to be sure, but unlike Iowa, can they turn this into something?

Creighton: I’ll let you know after they get blown out of the Rose Bowl and extend their coach.

BRT: Since rankings favor 1) Power 5 teams, 2) Traditional Names, and 3) W-L record, I don’t think it’s actually all that wrong or odd that they’re ranked where they are. If you’re asking where they’d fall if we somehow objectively knew how good all teams are, I’d guess they’re in the mid-teens.

GF3: It’s college football. If that fucking Canoe College in the filing cabinet for white people known as Annapolis can be ranked, Nebraska is just fine where they are.

Jesse: Look, sixth is probably too high, but until we lose, I’m going to assume that it’s all good.

How damaging is it to Urban Meyer’s legacy that it now contains a loss to James Franklin? --Eddard Stark of Winterfell

Nate: Bad enough that he will never win B1G Coach of the Year.

Stew: Pretty sure this means he should be fired immediately.

Al NamiasIV: It's proof of SEC dominance and parity. Only a former SEC coach could have beaten Meyer, himself a former SEC coach.

Creighton: I know one coach who hasn’t lost to Franklin: HARBAWWWWWWW FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP

GF3: I think what we’re going to see as time goes on is that James Franklin is actually a very good coach who has built a system for long term succ-....yeah, I can’t do this. Jesus, Urbz. Way to screw the pooch.

Jesse: [Urban shines another National Championship trophy]

Who will be the highest drafted B1G player this year? What pick will he be? --MountainTiger

GF: I keep hearing Malik McDowell as a Top 10 pick along with Jabrill Peppers...Physically, they both fit concepts that pro teams want, McDowell as the versatile DT who can play anywhere and has prototype build, Peppers as the smallish LB/Safety combo that apparently is en vogue these days.

Stew: McDowell

Al NamiasIV: McDowell

Creighton: Mad Mitch Leidner, #1 overall to the Bears. So, so obviously.

GF3: Jabrill Peppers. The Browns will take him as a QB (he can play that, you know), and I will cry tears of sweet, sweet ironic joy.

Why are Minnesota fans so accepting of mediocrity? Tracy Claeys is not a good coach. Minnesota could do so much better (they could also do much worse, but that’s what risk is all about). Are 8 win seasons really all that appealing? --greenndgold12

babaoreally: Eight win seasons are appealing; in fact, they're a-peeling one off the sidewalk right now.

Nate: When your program has 5 8+ win seasons since 1967 (not included) you have to make sure your next hire is going to hit. Otherwise you get a Brewster situation and fall right back to the bottom of the hill. By your logic, Alvarez should have been fired after 92 seeing as he finished with 1, 5, and 5 wins in his first 3 years and Wisconsin hadn’t won 8 in the 30 years prior.

MNW:

Stew: Fuck ‘em.

Al NamiasIV: How much better do you really think Minny could do? I mean, yeah, they could do better than Claeys, but destination-job they ain't. Minnesota is, at best, a stepping stone. If Kill had been, say, 40 years old, he never would have taken the Minnesota gig.

BRT: I got a lot of heat for this when Nebraska was winning nine games a year, but I don’t really think that’s bad, and if I were a Minnesota fan, yeah, I’d probably be pretty comfortable with eight as a result. I mean, outside of a handful of programs, that’s a pretty solid record to have year in and year out. You go to a bowl, you win more games than not, and your team is probably somewhat competitive with the occasional upset. Things really could be worse, you know? (Note: This is a defense of the 8-win season, not necessarily Claeys for Kirk-level contract.)

GF3: Minnesotans are nice, unassuming, Lutheran folk. That’s the way of Lutheranism, you know? Sure, there are bright, flashy, wonderful things in the world. Sexy, debonair, glitzy things. But they’re not for you. They’re for the heathens of the world...the godless worshippers of money...the materialists...the Baptists, even. But not you. You’re a Minnesota Lutheran.*

This is how it works. You’re a good Minnesotan, white as the driven snow, and the joys of double-digit wins are not for you. That’s okay with you, though. Winning too much is rude. The Sons of Knute and the Norwegian bachelor farmers don’t concern themselves with the endless pursuit of victories. It’s not neighborly. It’s rude. Eight win seasons are just the Minnesota Nice™ thing to do, donchaknow...the Lutheran thing, really.

*Unless you’re a Minnesota atheist, in which case it is a Lutheran God that you don’t believe in.

MNW: What if I’m a Minnesotan Catholic?

If Nebraska wins this week, does a 3-loss Wisconsin team still stay in the top 15 given that all three losses are to top 10 teams? How far does Nebraska fall if they lose by 10-14 points? I would imagine some voters are probably waiting for any excuse to drop them precipitously. --Detigers09

Stew: If WI loses, they would drop to the 20ish range, but still be ranked. If UNL loses they drop to about 15ish in the human polls (computer systems would be more of the 20-25ish range).

Al NamiasIV: A three-loss Wisconsin is still Top 25, but just barely. What Stew said re: A double-digit loss Nebby.

BRT: I don’t think Wisky would drop out of the rankings, but I do think they’d be out of the Top 15. Probably not forever, just for time out. I think a loss, barring something catastrophic, which given Nebraska’s history in Madison is not out of the realm of possibility, drops the Huskers to the 15-ish range.

GF3: As always, it depends. If it’s a 3OT grinder and Nebraska wins, Wisconsin might stay top 15. If Nebraska loses by 14, they’ll land between 16-21 (inclusive).

Jesse: I’m with pretty much everyone here. Nebraska will fall to mid teens if they lose in that 10-14 range. Wisconsin probably stays in the rankings, but it will be more in that 20-25 range. I suppose it also depends on whatever happens elsewhere.

Now that it's clear that Narduzzi was the brains behind Sparty, when does he take over the MSU job? --MC ClapYoHandz

Stew: Why would he ever leave Pitt? I hear that it is it. Besides, he now has a transitive win over OSU, now. Powerhouse status achieved.

Al NamiasIV: He can do better than MSU. East Lansing is also not an ideal destination job (though it’s better than Minny). Just ask Alabama Nick. Dantonio is rare in that he is staying there.

Creighton: Let me ask you something: would you rather go be second fiddle to Harbaugh, or stay and remain as head coach of the best football team in your state?

BRT: Well, I don’t think the MSU job is going to be open for awhile, so it’s a moot point in the immediate future.

GF3: I don’t know, but I hope someone has a serious talk with him about those Transitions lenses before his next job interview.

What kind of a head coach does Purdue need to get to become relevant again in the B1G? Big Name? Hot coordinator? The next "basketball on grass" innovation to the conference? --That boiler in France

MNW: I think Purdue’s gotta get back to a coach who is going to open it up and try to win games 55-52. Something to at least get asses in the seats in West Lafayette. I know that “winning fixes everything,” but Purdue football has been nigh-unwatchable for the entirety of Hazell’s term and even a little before that. Open it up and throw the ball around; recruit athletes; go up-tempo and try your best to fuck with teams who play the slower, plodding style.

To do that? I don’t know. There are people out there who say “Back the truck up for Mike Leach,” but...is he really leaving Pullman? If I’m a Boilers fan, though, I’d still prefer to see someone who’s gonna bring points to Purdue.

Stew: I do think style/culture matters at places. Do you think Wisconsin fans would like it if they saw fun basketball? Hardly, the only success they’ve known has been when murdering the sport. Same at UNL, last season and under Callahan, throwing the ball way too much, lose a bunch of games. Michigan with RichRod. Lickliter at Iowa. Get yourself a spread guy, but one who is youngish that can bring some excitement, but also isn’t afraid of a rebuild. Sounds like a certain boat rower, right? Yeah, Purdue’s not getting him. But maybe Willie Tagert, Jeff Brohm, or Chad Morris might listen.

Al NamiasIV: Purdue needs somebody who is different than everybody. As PU is in the run-heavy B1G West, yes, it needs to go mad-spread, offense-crazy, Big 12 type of deal. If the Boilers try to beat Wisconsin, Nebraska, Iowa at their own games, they will fall flat.

Creighton: I agree with what seems to be the consensus here. Tiller the Thriller won in West Lafayette with a spread offense designed to minimize the talent gap vs the opposing team’s defense. Wazzu is a perfect analogue for what needs to happen at Purdue for them to find success (though I agree with MNW--Leach is staying put)

GF3: They need someone who brings an identity. That can come in a lot of ways. PJ Fleck is the darling of the G6 world. Most people can’t tell you the first thing about how his team plays stylistically, but everyone knows the Boat Rower schtick. Purdue needs a schtick guy, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. They need someone who engages in the timeless art of leadership: providing purpose, direction, and motivation within a framework defined by the values and culture that resonate with recruits and fans alike.

Where does Charlie Strong land when he gets canned by Texas? Would Purdue have a shot at him? --HenryClaymaker

Stew: Probably a 2nd tier P5 team, like RichRod at Arizona. It’s hard to say where, because it probably happens when the dominoes start to fall. And no, Purdue does not qualify, they are not 2nd tier.

MNW: I think Stew’s definitely onto something here, but I honestly don’t know what kind of coach Charlie Strong is. Is he the guy who can walk into a mid-tier program and make them relevant? Was Louisville a flash in the pan? Strong would interest me somewhere like Minnesota or NC State, but I don’t think he’s turning around Purdue or Boston College or whatever.

GF3: He ends up someplace where he isn’t hamstrung by asshole boosters, but still has a shot at winning. I could honestly see filling the void at any number of good-not-great P5 and non-P5 schools. It all depends who ends up needing a coach in 2017. That list will be a lot longer in two months.

Jesse: I think Charlie Strong is a good coach still. Where he lands depends on what he feels good about going. Tier 2 P5 sounds about right and there will be plenty of movement after the season that will open up some positions.

I saw this tweet on twitter dot com

Penn State has beaten Ohio State five times since 2001. That’s more than any other B1G team. Michigan (2) Michigan State (3) Wisconsin (4)

I have 3 sub-questions:

1. Is this true?

B. Does this make us their rival for reals?

--M1EK

babaoreally: You left Purdue out of your list. Three wins since 2001, four since 2002. Penn State's main rivals are Pitt and Rutger. I would say OSU is a secondary rival, due to bitter feelings after the 1980 Fiesta Bowl.

MNW: I don’t really care about actually answering this, but I just wanted to note that this was a Good Question. Rest of the OTE commentariat, please take note.

Stew: I’m not going to look that up. And no, that’s not how rivalries work.

Al NamaisIV: Yes, it’s been five wins since 2001 for PSU. But Wisconsin took those four wins in three fewer games. Response to sub-sub question: No, PSU is still not nationally relevant.

Creighton: Um...is Ohio State even good enough to be Penn State’s rival? Penn State deserves a better rival than Ohio State.

BRT: Do Penn State fans really think that OSU is their rival? Because that’s kind of hilarious. But this is a joke, right?

GF3: Are you guys making a trophy that we don’t know about? And don’t want? Because apparently that *is* a thing now.

Which upset would be funniest: Purdue over Penn State, Northwestern over Ohio State, or Michigan State over Michigan? What would you be willing to sacrifice to have said upset happen? --vaudvillain

babaoreally: I got a free ticket to the PvP game this Saturday, but I would pay $20 to see Purdue win.

Stew: Purdue over PSU, right now, would be the funniest. About $3.50.

Thumpasaurus: Purdue over Penn State would be one of the most hilarious game results in recent memory. I’d move mountains to make it happen.

Al NamiasIV: MSU over Michigan would be the most universally funny, but Purdue over PSU would be more personally satisfying and funny. I'd be willing to sacrifice Iowa’s offensive coordinator to see it happen.

Creighton: Oh my god MSU over Michigan would be the most amazing thing ever. Michigan is having their best season since Lloyd Carr was coach, and I’m starting to be reminded of why I used to be so annoyed by their fans. Sparty is having their worst season since Bobby Williams was coach. The Wolverine schadenfreude would be so unfathomably delicious...you could pretty much name your price. I’d pay it.

BRT: MSU over Michigan this year would be easily the funniest. All of the earth would rejoice, and in this year of great division, it might just be the unifying force we need. Unfortunately, there’s like a 2% chance it happens. However, now that we’re on Day Four of “PSU Football is BACK,” I will say that this would be an incredibly well-timed Harbor, Purdue. Go get ‘em, Boilermakers. I am willing to sacrifice everything that Donald Trump has ever sacrificed, or Donald Trump himself.

GF3: Purdue over anyone is always good for a laugh, but if MSU wins on some freak play, blood will shout out of Harbaugh’s eyes.

Jesse: Purdue sounds hilarious because of all the nonsense we just heard about game changing wins and what not, but as everyone has mentioned, the real gem would be if Michigan loses on some fluky as hell play to the Spartans. I’m rooting for that.

Which 5-2 start is more surprising: Penn State or Maryland? --Turtle Shell

babaoreally: Penn State, since they beat Urban Meijer. Maryland has not beaten a good team, and gotten beat by a mediocre one (Minnesota).

Al NamiasIV: Maryland because of overall record. PSU because of the road traveled to get to that record.

GF3: Penn State.

Jesse: Yes. (But it’s Maryland, and it’s not all that close.)

Which will there be more of this weekend: Jim Harbaugh freak outs or MSU first downs? --katoom

Al NamiasIV: The former.

Creighton: Easy question when you break it down: Harbaugh will equal every single Spartan first down with at least one freak out (H=F). Harbaugh will also freak out for any number of innocuous reasons (H+X) Since (H=F) and (H+X) are both mathematical certainties for any given Michigan game, we can reasonably assume that H+X > F 100% of the time. Simply put: get ready for some freak outs.

Jesse: I’ll take whatever Creighton just said. Seems like some solid math.

Rank in order of magnitude of lie told by fanbase to selves every year:
#NewKirk
"The Nebraska QB has honed his technique and decision-making over the offseason."
#DISRESPEKT

"We’re both going to be undefeated going into the big game this year.”
"The only reason we don’t win the East is because the refs are f**king us." --Exiled_in_VT

Nate: Minnesota will finally put it together.

MNW: This is the year the ‘Cats finally go to the Dance! [It’s not The Year. It’s never The Year.]

Creighton: #NewKirk was a real thing. Unfortunately he was murdered by #OldKirk’s agent and Gary Barta. We aren’t falling for that again, so that’s last. Nebraska will always recruit athletic quarterbacks that flip flop between making huge plays for their team and making huge plays for Purdue, so that’s first. Close second is every lie that Franklin and Penn State tell to justify any given loss. The rest is just a grab bag.

BRT: 1. Refs are out for PSU 2. #NewKirk 3. Undefeated 4. NU QB 5. #DISRESPEKT

GF3: 1. He’s not an asshole. 2. No, seriously, he’s not, your coach does the same stuff. 3. We don’t even notice.

Candystripes: You forgot “This is the year Indiana finally puts it all together”, replacing the recently dethroned “This is the year Indiana finally puts together a defense that can stop people.”

Would PSU win the B1G west this yr? --PhillynCityTID

babaoreally: No.

Nate: No. They needed OT at home to beat Minnesota.

Al NamiasIV: Nope

Creighton: LOL no way. Penn State is a “meh” football team that caught Ohio State sleeping. Just ask Texas: 1 win doesn’t mean anybody is “back”

Stew: Nope

BRT: Let me tell you about a team who snuck up on a presumed playoff team at home in a night game, hanging on to do the impossible and sending shock waves throughout CFB. No one gave them a chance, because they’d underperformed against a bad opponent the previous week. The fan base was salivating for such a victory, but even they didn’t really believe it could be done. But then… it happened. The BIG win. Were they back? Maybe so. They beat up their next opponent. The times, they were heady. That beautiful season culminated in that bastion of greatness, the Foster Farms Bowl.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Penn State. You got the upset. Great work. But slow your roll. You’re not the first okay team to win a game you probably shouldn’t. Maybe let’s see how the rest of the season plays out before deciding whether you’d beat Michigan or Bama by more points, mmmmkay? (And sure, you’d have a chance in the West. But it wouldn’t be the cakewalk you fancy. I mean, the Gophers are in this division.)

GF3: Do they get two weeks to prepare for every game? Do the refs actually referee? If yes/no, the odds are very good. If no/yes, they lose to Illinois 3 out of 5 times.

Now that Hazell is gone, who would you pick to be the worst coach in the B1G? There don’t seem to be any obvious candidates. --terp_derp

babaoreally: The Gopher coach.

MNW: Yeah, it’s looking like it’s pretty clearly Tracy Claeys. Lovie, Ash, and Durkin all get first-year passes (and Durkin’s looking pretty damn good). Claeys just looks lost on the sidelines. Jerry Kill will need a DC in Manhattan soon enough, though.

Stew: Claeys

Al NamiasIV: Claeys

Creighton: I mean, look at the year Dantonio is having! He took a playoff team and ran them into the ground. They literally have one win over FBS competition this year. I honestly wouldn’t trade Hazell for Dantonio, because at least Hazell’s terrible record was backed up by terrible players on both sides of the ball. Michigan State is a joke and if their AD has any chutzpah he’ll fire Dantonio after this year.

Just kidding it’s Tracy Claeys.

GF3: Claeys.

What are you going as for Halloween? --ICEICETHATGUY13

babaoreally: An adult.

Stew: The man in the tan jacket with a deerskin briefcase. I’ll be handing out mind erasers.

Al NamiasIV: Somebody too old to be dressed up for Halloween.

Creighton: I’ll be dressing up as last year’s model of Creighton. It’s the same as this year’s model, but with infinitely less shame over my football team.

BRT: I love costume parties, but sadly, have none on the docket for Halloween this year. If I did, maybe Wonder Woman. Or Rosie the Riveter. Or Tammy Swanson Swanson, if I was feeling extra scary. Basically, some variation on a powerful brunette.

GF3: A grouchy dad who tells teenagers with their pillowcases and no costumes to enjoy the pack of erasers and pocket-sized Bible devotionals I hand them.

Candystripes: A guy who’s working during local trick or treat hours.

What's your favorite team piece of swag or memorabilia? Something commemorating a great season, a bowl win, or a NC? (it hurts typing that one, knowing it’ll never happen) Maybe something personal, signed by a player or gotten from a game? Or perhaps sentimental, from a parent/grandparent or child who is there?

I’m not even sure what mine would be right now, to be honest, but I’m curious. --chitownhawkeye

Al NamiasIV: My 2003 Orange Bowl t-shirt

Creighton: My closet is completely full of Rose Bowl swag from last year. Make all the jokes you want but that game was extra special to me because the last time Iowa played in the Rose Bowl, I wasn’t old enough to talk yet, let alone know what football was or understand what was happening. I honestly didn’t think I’d see Iowa play in a Rose Bowl. I also have a newspaper clipping from the Orange Bowl victory from a few years before where me and a bunch of friends were interviewed after the game.

BRT: I’m not a big memorabilia person, but I did win a football signed by the 1996 Huskers that year in some sort of raffle. It’s not worth much since that was the only year in a span of four that they didn’t win the NC, but I was in 6th grade, and it was so exciting to win it!

Jesse: My favorite piece of memorabilia is actually an old Wheaties box from the 1994 National Championship. I love it for its campy nature and the fact that one day my daughter will be cleaning out my box of worthless stuff and be like, “What the hell are Wheaties and why is there a “N” on the box?”

GF3: The velcro OSU “block O” my mother gave me before my first deployment. It’s been somewhere on my kit for every mission I’ve ever been on. If my luck runs out, they’ll know where my heart lies.

Candystripes: My Indiana Soccer scarf, signed by current coach Todd Yeagley a year or two before he brought home natty number 8.

Aside from your favorite football stadium, what is the best Fall-specific weekend getaway location (road trip only) and what makes it so special? --GTom

GF: Wine tasting in Traverse City or Suttons Bay (Michigan).

Stew: Decorah, IA. It’s the location of my Alma Mater, Luther College (GO NORSE!!). Toppling Goliath, my favorite brewery, and one of the best in the world is there. My favorite pizza joint, Mabe’s, and they’ve got a world class restaurant in Rubaiyat, too. The old Hotel Winneshiek is there. It’s got a great down town, and it’s located in the driftless region, so it’s just gorgeous country. Lots of hiking paths, rolling hills full of trees changing colors. Just amazing.

BRT: The Finger Lakes in central New York. The trees are gorgeous, the weather is perfect, and all the Honeycrisps you can eat set against a backdrop of beautiful lakes and waterfalls. Fall heaven.

GF3: West Point (not as a cadet).

Scotch Whisky: From what region does your favorite single malt originate – the Highlands, the Lowlands, Speyside or Islay – and why? --HoustonBoiler

GF: I would like to discuss the greatest Christmas present idea of all time. It’s called “The Home Blending Kit” from Masters of Malt. Go ahead and take a look:

https://www.masterofmalt.com/whiskies/the-home-whisky-blending-kit/

They send you 10 or different samples of Scotch, with all regions of Scotland represented. They also send you a pipette and beaker for proper measurement. It’s up to you to experiment with your favorite combinations and when you find the perfect one, you send the measurements to Masters of Malt, along with the name of your concoction, and they make you a bottle, label it, and send you your own creation of a Scotch blend.

My wife and I created a few winners so far (The Honey Punch, The Renaissance, we aim for an all-around Scotch that’s smokey, sweet, peaty) but we haven’t picked a winner yet. How amazing is this!

MNW: Islay. Hands down. Peat peat peat peat smoke smoke smoke smoke yummmmmm.

Nate: The one that tastes like burning-rubber-diaper and rot.

Creighton: Islay all the way. It’s what I always assumed scotch tasted like before I actually tasted it. It’s like smokey delicious alcoholic heaven.

Stew: More of a highland man, myself. I prefer drier, brighter scotches.

GF3: Currently Islay, though the true scotch experts (at Cadenhead’s in Edinburgh) swear that assigning a flavor profile to a region is a fool’s errand. Nonetheless, I like the briny freshness of it. To each his or her own, I say.

How does Ted Glover get his lawn so damn perfect? Oh, and how much is he dreading potentially living in a world where the Cubs are World Series champions? --C.E. Bell

babaoreally: Ted is a rational person, so he is confident that the Cubs will lose to the Indians.

MNW: Still doesn’t explain the lawn, though. It’s just fucking immaculate.

Stew: Won’t be for long. CUBS PARTY ON TED’S LAWN!!!

Creighton: Why are we talking baseball? If I wanted to see a bunch of grown-ass men sit around getting fatter for hours at a time while they cry about unwritten rules and bore the hell out of me, I’d just start watching Mad Men.

Jesse: My daughter has lived in a world where Nebraska hasn’t lost a football game and the Cubs are in the World Series. This just seems like a relevant thing to point out.

GF3: Ted outsources his lawn to the guys who used to run Purdue’s turf program. Money talks.

---

MNW: Well, that’s all the time we’ve got for this week. Stay tuned fo--

Wait.

Do you hear that?

BAH GAWD

THAT’S TED GLOVER’S MUSIC!

Ted: First of all, my lawn is immaculate because I spend more time caring about that than I do most anything else. Why? Because a lawn is everything that's right with America-- it's a symbol of hard work, dedication, and a reward for your labors. Not necessarily in money, but in something more important--an inner satisfaction that you are one with your small patch of Mother Earth, and you, in your own way, are making the world a better place. As a guy, I judge a man on just a couple things: 1--Can you grill dead flesh on an open flame? 2--Do you like sports? 3--How do you care for your lawn? If I view any of those negatively, we cannot be friends. Sorry, it's not happening.

But the Cubs, and Cubs fans? They are the poster child for everything that's wrong with America.

Yeah, I said it...wrong with America. The Cubs are trying to buy their way to success, and every latte sipping, skinny jeans wearing lumbersexual jackass that can't change a fucking tire on their scooter, much less a pickup truck, is all of a sudden a Cubs fan. But those same scrawny beard, skullcap-in-July wearing booger eaters couldn't pick Rick Sutcliffe, Ryne Sandberg, or Leon Durham out of a line up if they were wearing name tags.

And they couldn't spell Santo if you spotted them the S,a,n, and t.

As a fan of a long suffering team that's had their fair share of heartache, the Minnesota Vikings, I have a few friends that have been Cubs fans for many, many years. And for those few...a part of me wouldn't mind to see the Cubs win. Because those men, mostly older than me, watched the Cubs with their Dad; their Dad who is long gone, and a Cubs World Championship would be meaningful in a way that transcends sports. So I get that aspect of this, I do.

But no, for the most part, the Cubs fan base is a fake ass, 'oh woe is us' bunch of mostly 20 and 30 something, insufferable assholes that would perish in the fucking woods inside of three hours if they couldn't access the web to watch a YouTube video titled 'how not to perish in the fucking woods inside of three hours'. And the only thing they know about grass is how to smoke it.

In my opinion, if the Cubs win the World Series, it would be a validation of this lifestyle, this mentality, and of Old Style beer. In short, it would be a repudiation of America and her values. And Old Style Beer fucking sucks worse than Rutgers.

So fuck the Cubs. Go Tribe. Win for America, and for well maintained lawns everywhere. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go aerate and overseed.

And don't even think about even looking at my lawn, or I will kill you all.