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Rutgers Kicked Out of the Big Ten (satire)

Jim Delany finally makes the decision B1G fans have been calling for

Michigan v Rutgers Photo by Michael Reaves/Getty Images

In a move that surprised no one and pleased many, Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany announced Sunday morning that Rutgers would be ejected from the Big Ten Conference "effective immediately" after getting ravaged to the tune of 78-0 at home by Michigan.

Delany explained the decision during his press conference on Sunday:

"Let me first start by saying I’m sorry for this whole Rutgers mess. Big Ten football has been irreparably damaged by my foolish and greedy decision to make them a member of the Big Ten conference. I basically created the BCS, and this whole Rutgers thing was still the worst idea I’ve ever had."

"When a team gets beat by a combined score of 150-7 in its first three conference games, you have to sit back and consider whether or not that team deserves to be in said conference. We’re here to play football, not act like a fucking charity for shitty football programs that can’t pay their own bills"

"This year, Rutgers is ranked 122 in total offense and 113 in total defense. They’re embarrassing to every other school in the conference, and that includes Purdue. Rutgers wouldn’t finish in the top half of Conference USA, yet I brought them into the Big Ten because I thought it would improve our brand on the east coast."

"Rutgers still can’t fill all the seats at High Point Solutions Stadium, let alone properly coordinate an effort to have its fans sit in colored stripes around the stadium. I can’t believe I expected them to bring the New York market into the Big Ten. Those people will never care about Rutgers. I’m from new Jersey, I should have known better. Well, I guess this is why pencils have erasers. Enough is enough; I think it would be best for everyone involved if Rutgers just went away."

Many are praising the swift decision by Jim Delany, who was criticized heavily for expanding the B1G to New Jersey in the first place. The Big Ten teams remaining on Rutgers’ schedule this year will be given an extra bye week since going through the motions of playing Rutgers is a glorified bye week anyway.

The AAC and Sun Belt conferences have already released statements explaining that under no circumstances will they allow Rutgers to join them. Rutgers athletic director Patrick E. Hobbs is reportedly exploring a move down to the FCS level, though another possibility could be a move to the Big 12 who is both looking to expand and attracted to teams who don’t bother playing defense.

Needless to say, this is a wonderful day for the B1G. We made it through this nightmare, everybody. Time to rebuild and move on.