So I should be honest as to how this Power Poll originally came about, because I'm not usually a Power Poll writer. One night (and another afternoon, and a different time), when all we OTE writers were using our Slack channel to gossip about y'all, the subject of condiments came up.
I had opinions about one condiment in particular, and that is mayonnaise.
Let's be clear: Mayonnaise is disgusting fucking egg jizz and should be banished to hell where it can be burned in hellfire for eternity. Sandwich shops that give catering platters where the sandwiches come with egg jizz already spread on there should be boycotted for all eternity. If you dip your fries in it? Go back to Europe, friend. This is America. Slather that shit in some nacho cheese and chili, or at the very least a heaping helping of ketchup.
And yes, your "chipotle aioli" that you order with your frites at your farm-to-table $25 brunch counts as mayo too. Reevaluate your life and your choices, you charlatan.
Egg jizz is the goddamn worst, and if you like it you should feel bad about yourself.
But then I realized: I don't know if I could rank 14 condiments. Who would be mayo? Surely not even Rutgers deserves that fate.
Egg jizz is disgusting, yes, but that's all I've got. Instead, I'm going to memorialize why I'm signed up for this Power Poll in the first place. As a result, you get beer styles:
1. Ohio State - Imperial IPA
264 pts || 17 FPV || LW: 1
Hoppy, assertive, and occasionally overpowering, you're generally gonna put any drinker on their ass, even if they manage to hang with you for two or three. Better styles come and go, and occasionally you're derided for being too dank or too hoppy, but you're a heavy, ass-kicking machine, and there's no questioning your dominance.
2. Michigan - Sour
246 pts || 2 FPV || LW: 2
It's a slog to get through one of you, just like an O'Korn passing performance, but it's so damn tasty to finish. Love them or hate them, there’s something irresistible about that tartness when you’ve opened a nice 750-mL of a good sour, and everyone’s going to have an opinion.
Moreover, much like any brewing kit that's just done a sour, more often than not you have to throw out the whole thing after a few go-rounds with Jim Harbaugh, because everything's infected with something nasty.
3. wisconsin - Imperial Stout
225 pts || LW: 3
Big, bold, heavy, and in your face, just like a wisconsin drunk. These fuckers pack a punch but come in a variety of flavors. You know, just like how the badgers will run left...and then run right...and then run up the middle...and then just for shits do something crazy like a Chai-spiced jet sweep, just to keep it interesting.
...wait, this doesn't work, because stouts are dark in complexion.
Fuck, this entire Power Poll is invalid. Thump will be back with Infographics on Thursday, folks. Thanks for reading.
4. Penn State - Anything by Three Floyds
214 pts || LW: 4
You just don't GET why you should wait in line for five days* to taste their beer, man. Either you grew up with Three Floyds or you're just hating on it.
(It might actually not be bad, but at this point it’s just the fucking principle of the matter.)
5. Nebraska - IPA
191 pts || LW: 5
Right when craft beer made its initial comeback (hint: it's the 90s, in case that in any way surprises you), you were all the rage. But in time, people have realized that you peak* somewhere around 9.4% (I'm just pulling a number out of a hat here), and no matter how many unique ways you try to improve on this model (a nice spread, say, or cat-related themes), you've peaked.
6. Iowa - Pilsner
160 pts || LW: 6
Not too flashy, just bitter enough to make you take note, and a classic example of Big Ten beer. In a true display of Midwestern diversity rivaled only by the diversity of bars at a funeral luncheon, you can get these in German or Czech, but don't go too crazy.
They’ve been making this one the same way since
1399 1999, and if you don’t like it, that’s just too goddamn bad. Just sip this nice, refreshing beer, don't let your expectations get too high, and enjoy.
7. Minnesota - Stout
157 pts || LW: 8
You want to be an imperial too, you're just really bad at it.
8. Northwestern - Barleywine
127 pts || LW: 7
Put it in your cellar, wait 5 years, and hopefully it'll be good when you pull it out. Or just drink it now and likely be disappointed; sometimes it's sweet, and sometimes it's bitter.
No matter what, you'll get shitfaced and hopefully not remember how much money you spent for the "experience" or the "friends you'll make" or how good that beer will make you look relative to the rest of the beers. NO YOU CAN'T MAKE IT UP TO ME, NORTHWESTERN.
9. Indiana - Wheat Ale
113 pts || LW: 9
Every time I drink a wheat ale, I think "This is the time. This is the time I am going to punch the person next to me and say 'Goddamnit finally, a wheat beer that I not only can drink all day, but that I really want to drink all day.'"
Once in a while it's something like an Oberon or something really exciting, but more often I'm stuck with fucking Blue Moon and my breath smells like stale orange slices and I'm just mad at you for stringing me along.
Also, let’s laugh at whatever chumbalone is still voting Indiana 6th in the Big Ten.
10. Maryland - Anything with chili peppers dumped indiscriminately in it.
91 pts || LW: 10
What, you thought this would be something with Old Bay? THINK AGAIN, FRIEND. Lots of window dressing, but when you get down to it, very little in the way of actual flavor or depth. But it’s exotic, I guess.
11. Michigan State - Pale Ale
88 pts || LW: 11
Don't be fooled, kids. There's nothing WRONG with a Pale Ale, per se. Hell, there are lots of good pale ales out there! At this point, though, everyone and their mother makes a pale ale and it turns out you're not that special anymore. You had your little run of being in-vogue, and you're still very solid, but I think we're all ready to move on and try something a little different right now.
12. Illinois - Belgians
61 pts || LW: 12
Do you like Belgian beers? You are a bad person. You should feel bad. Much like being an Illinois fan, it is good to be you once every 9-10 years when you are vaguely competent, and the rest of the time you taste like shittily-spicy bubblegum and bananas which have sat in a tank for months.
It is also common knowledge that Belgians constitutionally cannot wear hats.*
13. Purdue - Near Beer
39 pts || LPV: 1 || LW: 13
Much like Purdue is akin to an actual Big Ten program without any of the actual fun of being a Big Ten program, so is near-beer akin to actual beer without any of the actual fun of being beer. It's common knowledge that recovering Big Ten football fans are sent to West Lafayette to detox after getting too attached to college football.
14. Rutgers - Stale urine in a growler
20 pts || LPV: 18 || LW: 14
Let me tell you a story, kids. About 4 years ago I was at a friend's 21st birthday party in Eau Claire. It was a wonderful time -- we played Edward Fortyhands, Hammerschlagen, MarioKart, and were generally being enjoyable, intoxicated idiots, hurting no one but ourselves and having a nice time.
After a while, a friend wandered in and offered me a full growler, capped and (to my drunk eye) sealed, and asked if I wanted a drink. I said "Sure!" and unscrewed the cap and brought the bottle toward my mouth.
At that moment, another friend came running in and yelled "[MNW]! STOP!" and grabbed the growler away from me, upon which the newly-turned 21-year old started cackling like a goddamn idiot.
You see, children, the growler was full of the birthday boy's urine. In this story I am Jim Delany, my thirst is the thirst for a new television market, and Rutgers is a bunch of piss that's sat in a growler for over an hour.
Unfortunately, Jim Delany did not have a friend to grab the growler and tell him this was a really, really shitty idea, apparently. Or he was that thirsty.
Either way, Rutgers being here is a bad idea.
Rutgers is damn close to bottoming out, Ohio State has gone about as high as they can go, and there’s pretty clear separation across most of the conference. Not a very exciting week.
Name that ballot-voter-person. Full gallery of graphics can be found here, and thanks as always to Nate Peterson for his hard work on the graphics.
I’m so sorry,