:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/52057485/624448458.0.jpeg)
We here at Off Tackle Empire are nothing if not sensitive to the ever-changing needs of our readership. In response to the gentle-yet-insistent suggestions from our readership, we have endeavored this season to make our All-Empire selections more reflective of the actual standout performers around the conference, free from our snarky editorial commentary. This year, we believe so sincerely in our selections that they will proudly stand without elaboration. Without further ado, we present the 2016 All-Empire Awards:
The Ted Glover Was Similar To Joe Bauserman At Quarterback QB of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The Jesse Collins Did Not Play Football But Would Have Been A Running Back RB of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The Ray Ransom Loves Brian Leonard Versatility in Blocking, Rushing, and Receiving Fullback of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The GoAUpher Inept Tight End Turned Waterboy TE of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The Franz-Filler Leaders and Legends Memorial Wide Receiver of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The C.E. Bell Knows Nothing About Offensive Line Play OL of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The MNWildcat Went 6/9 on PATs Kicker of the Year Award: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The Green Akers Only Ever Played Soccer Punter of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The DJCarver But Seriously You Guys Have You Heard How Good Stefon Diggs Is Oops He's Hurt Again Returner of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The Mike Jones Undersized High-Motor Defensive End of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The Hilary Lee Beast Mode Defensive Tackle of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The Aaron Yorke Because Linebacker U or Something Linebacker of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The Candystripes for Breakfast Probably Would Have Been A Corner If He Played And Also Probably Would Have Improved Indiana's Defense If He Had Played For Them Cornerback of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The Babaoreally Hears Safety Play Is A Good Thing To Have But Has Not Observed It Firsthand In Over A Decade Safety of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The Brian Gillis I Got Nothing Because He Never Admits Anything Embarrassing Assistant Coach of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The Brewster-DiNardo Golden Slapfight Coach of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The MSUDersh Memorial Commenter of the Year: Jabrill Peppers, Michigan
The panel extends our warmest regards to all of the eminently deserving recipients of this year’s awards, and presumes the electorate of the various national awards will be similarly informed.