For some reason the NCAA insists on classifying other conferences as being on the same level as the Big Ten. Thus, I’m obligated to clue you in as to what’s going on in these realms.

SEC: Texas A&M Was Seriously Ranked #4

TL;DR: It’s just Bama. Florida tops the East.

Bowl-Eligible: Alabama, Auburn, Texas A&M, Arkansas, Florida, Tennessee

5 Wins: LSU, Kentucky, Georgia, South Carolina

Eliminated: Missouri

In one of the worst football games ever played, the top-ranked Alabama Crimson Tide knocked off the LSU Tigers on the road 10-0 to improve to 9-0 overall. Scoreless through three, the struggle finally broke in favor of the Tide in the fourth quarter and LSU was unable to respond. Having more than one player on the offensive side of the ball is sometimes a good tactic. With this win, only Mississippi State, Chattanooga and the quietly 7-2 Auburn Tigers stand between Bama and 12-0.

Speaking of Auburn, they escaped a scrappy Vanderbilt Commodores squad with a 23-16 win and it seems that they may once again be the nation’s only hope to briefly derail Nick Saban’s war on college football being fun. The Ole Miss Rebels continued to baffle, overcoming a two-score deficit to beat Georgia Southern. Elsewhere in the West, the Texas A&M Aggies, who had been inexplicably ranked #4 in the College Football Playoff standings above undefeated Washington, folded against the 5-loss Mississippi State Bulldogs 35-28 in a game that Clanga led comfortably for most of its duration. That SEC overhype factor is alive and well.

In the East, Tennessee won a pointless game against FCS Tennessee Tech, and Georgia edged Kentucky to put both teams at 5-4. South Carolina dropped the Missouri Tigers to 2-7 with an 0-5 conference record with a 31-21 win. They’re the only SEC team still winless in conference play. Hey Mizzou, let’s get that Arch Rivalry series going again! Lord knows both teams could use it...

The Florida Gators suffered the SEC Dicktrip of the Week, getting dominated 31-10 by the Arkansas Razorbacks for their first conference loss to Arkansas ever. The last time Florida lost to the Hogs was in 1982, a full nine years before they became conference foes. Florida’s offense was absolutely miserable, with their only touchdown coming on a pick-six. Nevertheless, they still lead the SEC East division and are on a collision course with Alabama. It seems difficult to imagine that anyone in the East can stand against the Tide.

ACC: Clemson Keeps Winning, But Three Other Teams Are Good

TL;DR: Clemson and Virginia Tech control their divisions; Clemson controls playoff destiny

Bowl-Eligible: Clemson, Louisville, Wake Forest, Florida State, North Carolina, Virginia Tech

5 Wins: Miami, Pittsburgh, Georgia Tech

Eliminated: Virginia

It was a relatively quiet week in the ACC this week, with the #2 Clemson Tigers hanging, drawing and quartering Syracuse 54-0 to remain unbeaten. Just behind them in the divisional race are the Louisville Cardinals, who similarly disemboweled Boston College 52-7 behind seven Lamar Jackson-related touchdowns.

At this point, if Lamar Jackson doesn’t win the Heisman by a landslide, there’s really no point in giving it out anymore. He leads the nation with 19 rushing touchdowns, with 1181 rushing yards (good for 5th nationally) for a 7.3 yards per carry average...and he’s a quarterback who’s also thrown 26 scores and only 6 interceptions. His numbers are absolutely stupid, and he’s as athletic as Michael Vick and Randall Cunningham at their peaks.

The NC State Wolfpack blew a late lead against the Florida State Seminoles to lose 24-20, and the once-promising Pack sits at 1-4 in conference play. With 3 conference losses, FSU is out of the division title hunt at this point and in fact sits behind the bowl-eligible Wake Forest Demon Deacons. They earned their sixth win of the year against Virginia. Wake Forest and Colorado will be bowling, while Missouri and Michigan State will not. What a world.

In the Coastal division, North Carolina and Virginia Tech sit on top with Virginia Tech owning the head-to-head tiebreaker. The Heels beat up on Georgia Tech 48-20, while the Hokies had a near-dicktrip against the hapless Duke Blue Devils, escaping 24-21. Duke picked up its seventh loss and dropped to 0-5 in conference play, the only ACC team to be winless in ACC games. The Miami Hurricanes boatraced the Pittsburgh Panthers to leave both teams at the doorstep of bowl eligibility.

The ACC Dicktrip of the Week was committed by the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, who simply could not muster enough offense to overcome the Navy Midshipmen and lost 28-27 to drop to 3-6. Notre Dame clinches this honor due to a friends-with-benefits relationship with the ACC, and due to no real ACC dicktripping happening. A loss against 5-3 Army this weekend will eliminate the Irish from the bowl season. After this election season, I think everyone would love to see America get this particular win.

PAC-12: All Roads Lead To The Apple Cup

TL; DR: Washington and Washington State lead the North while Colorado leads the South

Bowl-Eligible: Washington, Washington State, Stanford, Colorado, USC, Utah

5 Wins: Arizona State

Eliminated: Oregon State, Arizona

The Washington Huskies were handed an opportunity to advance into a CFP playoff slot and took advantage, slaughtering the California Golden Bears 66-27. Jake Browning threw six touchdowns and quietly shares the national lead in passing touchdowns with 34. The Huskies moved to 9-0, but are not the only undefeated team in conference play. The Washington State Cougars propelled a mighty stream of cougar piss all over the hapless Arizona Wildcats to win 69-7 to move to 7-2 overall. The Apple Cup rivalry game between the two Washington teams looks to be the biggest game in that series...possibly ever. Meanwhile, Arizona remains the only winless team in conference play, dropping to 0-6.

The Stanford Cardinal clinched bowl eligibility with an unconvincing win over the Oregon State Beavers, who dropped to 2-7. Sitting three games back yet in third place, Stanford will have to just watch as the two teams to the north fight for divisional supremacy. Oregon was hammered by the USC Trojans to give the latter their sixth win of the season and drop the former to 3-6. The Civil War rivalry game between the two Oregon teams looks to be the least consequential game in that series...possibly ever. Meanwhile, the surprising Colorado Buffaloes pushed to 7-2 with a win over the UCLA Bruins and lead the South division by half a game. No tremendous dicktripping occurred in the PAC-12 this week, much to my chagrin.

Big 12: Oklahoma’s Back On Top Again

TL;DR: Oklahoma’s cleaning up

Bowl-Eligible: Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, West Virginia, Baylor

5 Wins: Kansas State, TCU, Texas

Eliminated: Iowa State, Kansas

I missed my entry in this series last week, which is a shame because finally the Big 12 truly was essentially eliminated from the Playoff, with Baylor and West Virginia falling from the ranks of the undefeated. Who assumed the mantle?

Why, the Oklahoma Sooners of course. After going 1-2 in non-conference play, they’re 6-0 in the Big 12 season. They handled the Iowa State Cyclones 34-24 despite missing their top two RB’s; Samaje Perine was injured and Joe Mixon was suspended for being a dick to a parking attendant.

One game back of the Sooners are the Oklahoma State Cowboys, 43-37 winners over the Kansas State Wildcats, and the West Virginia Mountaineers, who handed the Kansas Jayhawks their eighth loss of the year. Though our own Big Ten Toilet Bowl takes place on Saturday between 2-7 Rutgers and 2-7 Michigan State, it will have to compete with the Big 12 Toilet Bowl, pitting the 1-8 Jayhawks against 1-8 Iowa State. Week 11 is going to be sick.

The Texas Tech Red Raiders continue to employ the novel strategy of having the worst run defense I’ve ever seen, and it backfired as the Texas Longhorns took them down 45-37 behind 341 yards from D’Onta Foreman. Earlier in the year, Tech allowed an Arizona State back who wasn’t even first on the depth chart to tally 7 touchdowns on 13 carries. That’s to say nothing of the 263 yards they gave up to Joe Mixon.

The Big 12 Dicktrip of the Week manifested itself through the Baylor Bears, who took to the field wearing all black uniform to protest the firing of Art Briles. They must have been indifferent to Briles’ firing, because they got absolutely shellacked by the TCU Horned Frogs to the tune of a 62-22 laugher. They travel to Norman next week to take on Oklahoma, and I for one hope they lose by even more.

Elsewhere

TL;DR: Western Michigan is nasty

The Western Michigan Broncos pounded the Ball State Cardinals 52-20 to remain the only unbeaten team (9-0) outside the Power 5 conferences. Toledo sits a game behind them largely thanks to Logan Woodside, who shares that passing touchdown lead I mentioned earlier. Both Northern Illinois and Miami (OH) have winning conference records despite going 0-4 in non-conference play, with NIU beating Bowling Green and Miami surprising Central Michigan. Only WMU, Toledo and East division leader Ohio are bowl-eligible at this point in the MAC.

Craig Bohl’s surprising Wyoming Cowboys remain unbeaten in Mountain West play. Despite taking down the Boise State Broncos a couple weeks ago, they remain unranked. They do, however, lead their division in the conference. San Diego State is the only other unbeaten Mountain West team, sitting at 8-1 overall in the division opposite Wyoming.

The Idaho Vandals won their fifth game of the year and are one win from bowl eligibility. This is not a drill.