Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, Big Ten

Have you ever heard Christmas music and thought to yourself, "You know, these songs would be so much cooler if they were about my favorite school/sports team." It's a common enough thought, of course, yet surprisingly difficult to remedy. Well no more. Here are fourteen should-be holiday favorites, ready to be stuck in your head for the next 48 hours. You are welcome.

But first, a couple of quick notes: these are in alphabetical order, and there is no ranking component to this little exercise (sorry). Second, the original version of the song (or close enough) can be found by clicking on the title of said song next to the school name--I suggest you play these in the background while you sing these all aloud so that your cubicle neighbors are also filled with the joy and wonder of the season.

Illinois--"I Wonder as I Wander"

I wonder as we wander out under the "I"

Why Lovie our savior did come here to try

For poor orange-y people like you and like I

I wonder as we wander out under the "I"

When Wes chucked the ball 'twas frightening to all

For receivers and RBs trying to answer the call

But high from God's heaven Jeff George Jr. did fall

And the promise of ages he then did recall

If Illini had wanted for any wee thing

A score in the endzone or a win for the team

Or all their opponents to quit playing til spring

They surely could have it, 'cause Jeff George was the king

I wonder as we wander out under the "I"

How came we to only suffer and cry

Purdue losses mounting, MSU win a lie

I wonder as we wander out under the "I"

Indiana--"Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming"

Lo, what a "ton" e'er Blooming,

From whence Kevin Wilson hath sprung!

Wary of NCAA shitstorm coming,

As scandals of yore hath sung.

It came, it was not right

Amid the noise of the CCG

When half-spent interest left apathy.

Zander 'twas foretold it,

"Concussions hurt the mind;"

On Twitter he wrote it,

Not what the AD hoped to find.

To show that they did right

He fired a man named Kevin,

Lest half-assed speculation win.

Tom Allen, whose fragrance tender

With sweetness fills the air,

Dispels with glorious splendor

The darkness everywhere.

True man, yet knows defense,

From scores and scandal he saves us,

And lightens every load.

The richest Santa there ever was.

Iowa--"Little Drummer Boy"

Come, they told me, pa rum pum pum pum

A new writ contract, see, pa rum pum pum pum

Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum

To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum

Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

So, to honor him, pa rum pum pum pum

The lawyers come.

Little Bizon, pa rum pum pum pum

They are some poor boys too, ha ha pum pum pum

They have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum

That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum

Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

Shit, they beat us, pa rum pum pum pum

What have we done.

Harbaugh nodded, pa rum pum pum pum

Jabrill did it all, pa rum pum pum pum

Long Legend threw TDs pa rum pum pum pum

Refs disappointed Jim pa rum pum pum pum

Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

Then, Kirk smiled with relief, pa rum pum pum pum

He'd earned another one.

Maryland--"In the Bleak Midwinter"

In the bleak midwinter,

D.J. Durkin moaned,

"Defense hard as iron,

Stop runs like a stone,

That's all I wanted, stop on stop

Just some D,

In the bleak midwinter, Quick Lane Bowl"

A QB, we cannot hold him,

Nor our'line sustain

Tackles and linemen shall flee away on running plays

In the bleak midwinter, a Detroit place sufficed

The Terrapin team, burning eyes.

Enough for bowl, six wins they had,

It was not pretty

Eyes full of red, and black, and yellow and white;

Enough for all, not Terp fans before

The crab and fish and turtle they adore.

He's an angry elf!

Michigan--"Blue Christmas"

I'll have a blue Christmas without you

I'll be so blue just thinking about you

Decorations of red on a silver football jersey

Won't be the same Meyer, if you're not here with me

And when those playoff delights start falling

And your praises the announcers keep calling

You'll be doin' alright, in the enormous spotlight

But I'll have a blue, blue blue blue Christmas

You'll be doin' alright, *sob* in the enor *sob* mous spotlight...

But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas

This elf always goes for two. Chipper little guy!

MSU--"Last Christmas"

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But one Dallas day, you gave it away

This year to save me from tears

You didn't even make a bowl game (bowl game)

Once blown out, twice shy

I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye

Tell me baby, do you recognize me?

Well, it's been a 3-win year, it doesn't surprise me.

I predicted it and proclaimed it

With a note saying "repeat champs" I meant it

Now I know what a fool I've been

But if you beat Notre Dame now I know you'd fool me again

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day, you gave it away

This year to save me from tears

I didn't even make a bowl game (bowl game)

A face always scowling with a fire in his heart

A brand new QB but you tore him apart

Maybe next year

I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special

Who'll give me something in return

I'll give it to someone, hold my heart and watch it burn

I thought you were here to stay

How can great defense only be for a day?

I thought you were someone special, gave you my heart

Minnesota--"I'm Gettin' Nuttin' For Christmas"

Northwestern--"Here We Come A-wassailing"

Here we come a-wassailing

Among the tarps so clean

Here we come a-wand'ring

Through grass that's hardly green

Igwebuike to you

And a Clayton Thorson too

And Fitz bless you

And send you a Happy Pinstripe Bowl

Our vino glass is filled with

The finest vintages

And our butler serves us

Not lil' weenies but gourmet sausages

Igwebuike to you

And a Clayton Thorson too

And Fitz bless you

And send you a Happy Pinstripe Bowl

We are not daily beggars

That beg from door to door

We are rich and private

And better than you poors

Igwebuike to you

And a Clayton Thorson too

And Fitz bless you

And send you a Happy Pinstripe Bowl

Call up the butler of this house

Put on his golden ring

Let him bring us up a glass of beer

And better we shall sing.

(Ed. Note: This final verse? This is part of the actual song. Pretty great, huh?)

Igwebuike to you

And a Clayton Thorson too

And Fitz bless you

And send you a Happy Pinstripe Bowl

OSU--"Up on the Housetop"

Up in the playoffs Buckeye nuts,

Oh it's good ol' Coach Meyer

Plowed through the Big Ten with lots of noise

And he beat Michigan, Christmas joy.

Oh Oh Oh, H - I - Oh

Oh Oh Oh, H - I - Oh

Up in the playoffs, kiss my butt

You, Coach Franklin and Crazy Jim

First comes the sniping of little James

Oh, Coach Meyer what shall he tell?

"We beat his team by a whole three points!

Doesn't that count for more than bragging rights?"

Oh Oh Oh, H - I - Oh

Oh Oh Oh, H - I - Oh

Up in the playoffs, kiss my butt

You, Coach Franklin and Crazy Jim

Next comes the pouting of little Jim

Oh my goodness, this is bothering him

"I'm disappointed in the referees

I wanted to go play USC"

Oh Oh Oh, H - I - Oh

Oh Oh Oh, H - I - Oh

Up in the playoffs, kiss my butt

You, Coach Franklin and Crazy Jim

"All I ever wanted was my own pair of ice skates," James thought wistfully.

PSU-- "Toyland"

Frankland, Frankland

Nittany Lions in Frankland

While you dwell within it

You are ever happy there

Nit fans' joy land

Kinda cultish merry Frankland

Once you pass its borders

You can ne'er return again

When you've grown up my dears

And are as old as I

You'll laugh and ponder on the years

Who is Bob O'Brien, my dears

They rolled so swi-ftly by--why?

Nit fans' joy land

Kinda cultish merry Frankland

Once you pass its borders

You can ne'er return again

Purdue--"The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot"

He's the little boy that Santa Claus forgot,
And goodness knows, he didn't want a lot.
He sent a note to Santa
For some receivers and a giant drum,
It broke his little heart
When he found Santa hadn't come.
In conference play he envies all those lucky boys,*
Then wanders home to last year's broken toys.
I'm so sorry for Purdue Petey
With an athletic department the opposite of greedy,
The little boy that Santa Claus forgot.

*except Illinois

(Author's note: Thanks to Boilerman31. I had never heard of this song, and it's pretty much the most depressing Christmas song ever. Which, of course, makes it perfect for Purdue. That's a man who knows his team.)

Rutgers--"What Child Is This?"

What giant is this

Who laid to rest

On Jersey's shores is sleeping?

Whom Delany greets with anthems sweet,

While TVs in New York he's keeping?

This, this is Knight Scarlet,

Who recruits will love and praises sing;

Haste, haste, to bring him on,

The Giant, the son of Delany.

Why lies he in such mean estate,

Where practice fields are shitty?

Good teams shall fear, for New Jersey's here

"Be not contagious!" they are pleading.

So bring him TV shares, gold, and myrrh,

Come Purdue, OSU to own him;

The Sleeping Giant greatness brings,

Let loving hearts enthrone him.

Frosty the Sconnie.

Wisconsin--"Fum Fum Fum"

On an early December's day

We run, run, run

On an early December's day

We run, run, run

For a blessed lead was had

Upon this day at the break of play

In a danger poor and lowly

Seemed the Nits of Happy Valley

Run, run, run

Thanks to God for defenses

We run, run, run

Now we all our voices raise

And sing a song of baffled daze

Berate in song and story

All the choke jobs of history

Run, run, run