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Have you ever heard Christmas music and thought to yourself, "You know, these songs would be so much cooler if they were about my favorite school/sports team." It's a common enough thought, of course, yet surprisingly difficult to remedy. Well no more. Here are fourteen should-be holiday favorites, ready to be stuck in your head for the next 48 hours. You are welcome.
But first, a couple of quick notes: these are in alphabetical order, and there is no ranking component to this little exercise (sorry). Second, the original version of the song (or close enough) can be found by clicking on the title of said song next to the school name--I suggest you play these in the background while you sing these all aloud so that your cubicle neighbors are also filled with the joy and wonder of the season.
Illinois--"I Wonder as I Wander"
I wonder as we wander out under the "I"
Why Lovie our savior did come here to try
For poor orange-y people like you and like I
I wonder as we wander out under the "I"
When Wes chucked the ball 'twas frightening to all
For receivers and RBs trying to answer the call
But high from God's heaven Jeff George Jr. did fall
And the promise of ages he then did recall
If Illini had wanted for any wee thing
A score in the endzone or a win for the team
Or all their opponents to quit playing til spring
They surely could have it, 'cause Jeff George was the king
I wonder as we wander out under the "I"
How came we to only suffer and cry
Purdue losses mounting, MSU win a lie
I wonder as we wander out under the "I"
Indiana--"Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming"
Lo, what a "ton" e'er Blooming,
From whence Kevin Wilson hath sprung!
Wary of NCAA shitstorm coming,
As scandals of yore hath sung.
It came, it was not right
Amid the noise of the CCG
When half-spent interest left apathy.
Zander 'twas foretold it,
"Concussions hurt the mind;"
On Twitter he wrote it,
Not what the AD hoped to find.
To show that they did right
He fired a man named Kevin,
Lest half-assed speculation win.
Tom Allen, whose fragrance tender
With sweetness fills the air,
Dispels with glorious splendor
The darkness everywhere.
True man, yet knows defense,
From scores and scandal he saves us,
And lightens every load.
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The richest Santa there ever was.
Iowa--"Little Drummer Boy"
Come, they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
A new writ contract, see, pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
So, to honor him, pa rum pum pum pum
The lawyers come.
Little Bizon, pa rum pum pum pum
They are some poor boys too, ha ha pum pum pum
They have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Shit, they beat us, pa rum pum pum pum
What have we done.
Harbaugh nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
Jabrill did it all, pa rum pum pum pum
Long Legend threw TDs pa rum pum pum pum
Refs disappointed Jim pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Then, Kirk smiled with relief, pa rum pum pum pum
He'd earned another one.
Maryland--"In the Bleak Midwinter"
In the bleak midwinter,
D.J. Durkin moaned,
"Defense hard as iron,
Stop runs like a stone,
That's all I wanted, stop on stop
Just some D,
In the bleak midwinter, Quick Lane Bowl"
A QB, we cannot hold him,
Nor our'line sustain
Tackles and linemen shall flee away on running plays
In the bleak midwinter, a Detroit place sufficed
The Terrapin team, burning eyes.
Enough for bowl, six wins they had,
It was not pretty
Eyes full of red, and black, and yellow and white;
Enough for all, not Terp fans before
The crab and fish and turtle they adore.
He's an angry elf!
Michigan--"Blue Christmas"
I'll have a blue Christmas without you
I'll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of red on a silver football jersey
Won't be the same Meyer, if you're not here with me
And when those playoff delights start falling
And your praises the announcers keep calling
You'll be doin' alright, in the enormous spotlight
But I'll have a blue, blue blue blue Christmas
You'll be doin' alright, *sob* in the enor *sob* mous spotlight...
But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas
This elf always goes for two. Chipper little guy!
MSU--"Last Christmas"
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But one Dallas day, you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
You didn't even make a bowl game (bowl game)
Once blown out, twice shy
I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby, do you recognize me?
Well, it's been a 3-win year, it doesn't surprise me.
I predicted it and proclaimed it
With a note saying "repeat champs" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you beat Notre Dame now I know you'd fool me again
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I didn't even make a bowl game (bowl game)
A face always scowling with a fire in his heart
A brand new QB but you tore him apart
Maybe next year
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
Who'll give me something in return
I'll give it to someone, hold my heart and watch it burn
I thought you were here to stay
How can great defense only be for a day?
I thought you were someone special, gave you my heart
Minnesota--"I'm Gettin' Nuttin' For Christmas"
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nothin' but bad
I overlooked my teammate cads
Somebody turned them in
I started a thoughtless boycott
It was a real bad look
My head coach tweeted his support
Without reading reports
Former players are terrible
Why are they so messed up?
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
All decent people are mad
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nothin' but bad
I will be seeing San Diego
Cause my boycott was dumb
Thought about staying in Minny
But California's warm
Something about "due process"
No one knows what that means ha!
Easy enough to walk that back
Oh C-A! So sunny!
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Tracey is getting fired
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nothin' but bad
Nebraska--"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" (or, for MNW)
God rest ye grumpy Husker fans, let nothing you dismay
Remember season past when your team was five and eight;
And saved us not from Purdue Harbor when we were gone astray
Glad tidings of Runzas and joy,
Runzas and joy,
Glad tidings of Runzas and joy.
In Youngstown in Ohiiiiio, our former coach we scorned,
But Bo Pelini's Penguins for the championship will soar;
Meanwhile we lost to I-owa, and Westy's knee tore
But glad tidings of Runzas and joy,
Runzas and joy,
Glad tidings of Runzas and joy.
From Shawn our Athletic Director a blessed angel came
And unto certain boosters brought tidings of the same
How that in Oregon was found a Coach, Mike Riley by name
Glad tidings of Runzas and joy,
Runzas and joy,
Glad tidings of Runzas and joy.
"Fear not then," said the angel, "let nothing you affright,
For sometimes Armstrong's passes manage to alight
On a receiver who trusts in him and has courage and might"
Glad tidings of Runzas and joy,
Runzas and joy,
Glad tidings of Runzas and joy.
Now to Tennessee we journey, the godforsaken place
And with true love and brotherhood each other now embrace
The scourge of SEC football we must and shall deface
Glad tidings of Runzas and joy,
Runzas and joy,
Glad tidings of Runzas and joy.
Northwestern--"Here We Come A-wassailing"
Here we come a-wassailing
Among the tarps so clean
Here we come a-wand'ring
Through grass that's hardly green
Igwebuike to you
And a Clayton Thorson too
And Fitz bless you
And send you a Happy Pinstripe Bowl
Our vino glass is filled with
The finest vintages
And our butler serves us
Not lil' weenies but gourmet sausages
Igwebuike to you
And a Clayton Thorson too
And Fitz bless you
And send you a Happy Pinstripe Bowl
We are not daily beggars
That beg from door to door
We are rich and private
And better than you poors
Igwebuike to you
And a Clayton Thorson too
And Fitz bless you
And send you a Happy Pinstripe Bowl
Call up the butler of this house
Put on his golden ring
Let him bring us up a glass of beer
And better we shall sing.
(Ed. Note: This final verse? This is part of the actual song. Pretty great, huh?)
Igwebuike to you
And a Clayton Thorson too
And Fitz bless you
And send you a Happy Pinstripe Bowl
OSU--"Up on the Housetop"
Up in the playoffs Buckeye nuts,
Oh it's good ol' Coach Meyer
Plowed through the Big Ten with lots of noise
And he beat Michigan, Christmas joy.
Oh Oh Oh, H - I - Oh
Oh Oh Oh, H - I - Oh
Up in the playoffs, kiss my butt
You, Coach Franklin and Crazy Jim
First comes the sniping of little James
Oh, Coach Meyer what shall he tell?
"We beat his team by a whole three points!
Doesn't that count for more than bragging rights?"
Oh Oh Oh, H - I - Oh
Oh Oh Oh, H - I - Oh
Up in the playoffs, kiss my butt
You, Coach Franklin and Crazy Jim
Next comes the pouting of little Jim
Oh my goodness, this is bothering him
"I'm disappointed in the referees
I wanted to go play USC"
Oh Oh Oh, H - I - Oh
Oh Oh Oh, H - I - Oh
Up in the playoffs, kiss my butt
You, Coach Franklin and Crazy Jim
"All I ever wanted was my own pair of ice skates," James thought wistfully.
PSU-- "Toyland"
Frankland, Frankland
Nittany Lions in Frankland
While you dwell within it
You are ever happy there
Nit fans' joy land
Kinda cultish merry Frankland
Once you pass its borders
You can ne'er return again
When you've grown up my dears
And are as old as I
You'll laugh and ponder on the years
Who is Bob O'Brien, my dears
They rolled so swi-ftly by--why?
Nit fans' joy land
Kinda cultish merry Frankland
Once you pass its borders
You can ne'er return again
Purdue--"The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot"
He's the little boy that Santa Claus forgot,
And goodness knows, he didn't want a lot.
He sent a note to Santa
For some receivers and a giant drum,
It broke his little heart
When he found Santa hadn't come.
In conference play he envies all those lucky boys,*
Then wanders home to last year's broken toys.
I'm so sorry for Purdue Petey
With an athletic department the opposite of greedy,
The little boy that Santa Claus forgot.
*except Illinois
(Author's note: Thanks to Boilerman31. I had never heard of this song, and it's pretty much the most depressing Christmas song ever. Which, of course, makes it perfect for Purdue. That's a man who knows his team.)
Rutgers--"What Child Is This?"
What giant is this
Who laid to rest
On Jersey's shores is sleeping?
Whom Delany greets with anthems sweet,
While TVs in New York he's keeping?
This, this is Knight Scarlet,
Who recruits will love and praises sing;
Haste, haste, to bring him on,
The Giant, the son of Delany.
Why lies he in such mean estate,
Where practice fields are shitty?
Good teams shall fear, for New Jersey's here
"Be not contagious!" they are pleading.
So bring him TV shares, gold, and myrrh,
Come Purdue, OSU to own him;
The Sleeping Giant greatness brings,
Let loving hearts enthrone him.
Frosty the Sconnie.
Wisconsin--"Fum Fum Fum"
On an early December's day
We run, run, run
On an early December's day
We run, run, run
For a blessed lead was had
Upon this day at the break of play
In a danger poor and lowly
Seemed the Nits of Happy Valley
Run, run, run
Thanks to God for defenses
We run, run, run
Now we all our voices raise
And sing a song of baffled daze
Berate in song and story
All the choke jobs of history
Run, run, run