Rutgers is... Woe

As you all know (because you all whine about the rankings every week) one of the features (bugs?) of this site is our Power Poll of Big Ten teams. And as you also know, Rutgers has been at the bottom of said poll for most of the season:

Ah, the halcyon days of Week 3, amirite? But soon, Rutgers entered Big Ten play and found a secure resting place at the bottom of the poll. We've come under criticism from time to time as a site, probably deserved, that the Rutgers memes get really old and stale. That people can only look at that damn Ewok so many times. And this is a fair point. It's especially inexcusable when you think of how many other great ways there are to analogize Rutgers. We've already done the heavy lifting for you once a week. So, review all of the mean things we've called Rutgers this year, and in 2017, let's vow to be a more creative commentariat. For Rutgers. For Rock or Something. (And yes, there's a poll.)

Pre-Season: Rutgers is... "Crap"

Rutgers has fallen on some hard times, and though Chris Ash has arrived to turn things around, this year might be rough. But they’re still in the Big Ten and they still have the resources to build a program from the ground up. Similarly, crap is a curse word that nobody takes seriously, but you still can’t say it in a kids show and you shouldn’t really say it in school either, so it still retains status as a curse word. There’s certainly a parallel with how, say, Michigan State is superior in every demonstrable way, but that’s a bit of a reach. Rutgers is going to have to establish credibility; after last year, they are difficult to take seriously, not unlike someone whose strongest word is crap attempting a rap battle. It could be a pretty crap year for the Scarlet Knights, but that’s no reason the crap has to continue. It just might take a while to clean up all that crap. (Thumpasaurus)

Week 1: Rutgers is... Failing to Steal a Cannon from Princeton

Actual headline for this pic: "Suspect in Cannon Theft Turns Self In"

Rutgers is the absolute worst after they got their GTL asses kicked by the Washington Huskies 48-13. They couldn’t do anything right in Chris Ash’s debut as the Scarlet Knight head man. This kind of reminds me of the time Rutgers students tried and failed to steal a Revolutionary War Cannon from Princeton. I’ll let Wikipedia tell the tale:

In October 1946, a contingent of Rutgers men slipped onto the Princeton campus and again tried to steal the famed cannon. This attempt was even more disastrous than the first. They attached one end of a heavy chain to the cannon and the other to their Ford automobile. Surprised by Princeton students and the police, they gunned the engine of the car so hard that the car was torn in half. The Rutgers students managed to escape, but with neither the car nor the cannon.

Good job Rutgers! (LincolnParkWildcat)

Week 2: Rutgers is... The Cyrkle

"Yeah...the cyrkle of life, man."

The story's in the past with nothin' to recall
I've got my life to live and I don't need you at all
The roller-coaster ride we took is nearly at an end
I bought my ticket with my tears, that's all I'm gonna spend

And I think it's gonna be all right
Yeah, the worst is over now
The mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball

Rutgers fans hope that the sad story of the past few seasons is in the past and beyond recall, because that particular roller coaster had a physics-defying number of downs, resulting in Rutgers football tickets being worth almost literally nothing more than a bucket of tears. Hopes are high that the worst is over and that Chris Ash is the answer, but frankly, failing to put away Howard for half of the game after starting the season getting crushed by Washington is not the most auspicious start. Can the Scarlet Knights create some psychedelic hope this weekend when New Mexico comes to New Jersey? (BigRedTwice)

Week 3: Rutgers is... GLH-9 Hair Replacement Spray

Good Looking Hair!

Some things are so blatantly bad…so insultingly contrived…so horrific in concept and execution as to render even the most devout suspension of disbelief powerless. Enter spray-on hair. Imagine for a moment the concept of hair, in liquid form, that one sprays on a bald spot. Paint, you say? No, sir. It’s not a paint or coverup. It’s an amazing powder that clings to the tiniest hairs on your head! Just ask Jersey Dave, the mulletted, non-compensated spokesman. This Rust-o-leum ripoff takes the crown as the worst schlock ever peddled as a quality product…which brings us to Rutgers. The Scarlet Knights have looked truly atrocious this year. After a summer of being beaten about the head by Chris Ash puns and promises of a reborn power/sleeping giant, Rutgers has turned in a performance befitting a mid-tier FCS team. Actually, scratch that. FCS cellar dweller Howard hung 21 unanswered points on the Jersey Boys. They aren’t even mid-tier…they’re working up to it. Jim D. might be interested in some GLH-9. A liberal coating of space-age powder on his dome will cushion the dunce cap. Maybe Dave will let him borrow that spiffy lariat tie to complete the look. (GoForThree)

Week 4: Rutgers is... David Arquette

Sagging ratings, complacent talent and a dying brand caused the WCW to make a series of shortsighted moves in the early ‘00s to restore its luster, one of which was crowning David Arquette (yes, that one) its Heavyweight Champion on an episode of WCW Thunder. Negative fan reaction was predictably immediate, and joke-storylines like this hastened WCW’s tailspin into irrelevance. Of course, while the addition of Rutgers won’t murder the B1G, maybe adding a team in the face of negative fan response strictly for its cable revenue upside will prove to be a shortsighted move in the era of cord-cutting and ala carte TV pricing? (Candystripes/Aaron Yorke/Jon Ross)

Week 5: Rutgers is... Zelda Master Sword

It just felt appropriate to give a medieval weapon to the Scarlet Knights. (LincolnParkWildcat)

Week 6: Rutgers is... Overly Enthusiastic Fangirl Weeping in the Audience

Uh, what direction would that be?

Oh Rutgers. First, the good news. The rest of the boy bands wouldn't exist without you--the screaming, obsessive fandom of a teenage girl enables mediocre pop acts to sell millions of albums, and somewhat similarly, none of the Big Ten teams would be playing football if Rutgers hadn't invented it. (#thebirthplace) So, silly though you may seem, we have to thank you in spite of ourselves. But now, the bad news: you're ridiculous and you're embarrassing yourself and someday, you're going to look back on this period of your life with deep shame and regret. Your best chance at salvaging some self-respect comes against Illinois this weekend, so seize this opportunity.

Week 7: Rutgers is... Marasuchus

Illustrated by Nathan E. Rogers

Marasuchus was an early dinosauriform archosaur. Archosaurs are a broad group that includes dinosaurs (of which all birds are included- yes, birds are dinosaurs), pterosaurs, and crocodiles and their relatives. It is dinosauriform because it did not yet have all the features to make it a dinosaur, but it was starting to, and without Marasuchus and others like it, there would be no dinosaurs. Rutgers played in the first college football game, but it was a very different kind of football. College Football is indebted to this historic game, but at the same time, Rutgers cannot compete in the descendant sport of that football game. Marasuchus was also tiny and would be killed by pretty much all the other animals in this Power Poll if it interacted with them. (ZuzuRU)

Week 8: Rutgers is... Slitheen Crime Family

The human skin-suit wearing alien invaders from planet Raxacoricofallapatorian are a bunch of bumbling farting idiots. Yes, their skin-suits cause them to fart and belch almost uncontrollably.

• Video 1: The Slitheen in Her Majesty’s Cabinet Room

• Video 2: The Slitheen and Alien experts

(LincolnParkWildcat)

Week 9: Rutgers is... Sleeping With Your Wife's Sister

Pictured: Nancy Reagan holding a personalized Rutgers jersey to teach kids about saying no to Rutgers.

This is it—the big kahuna. The mother of all terrible ideas. The F-dash-dash-dash word of bad ideas. I cannot emphasize enough that this is a VERY BAD IDEA. The ramifications of such immense error are manifold, but let’s focus on two big ones: First, this action will hurt everyone you know when it is discovered what you have done, and second, the ramifications of this decision may well tear apart all facets of your life, leaving you an empty, broken shell with nothing and no one. There is not a single redeeming point in favor of making this choice, and following through with it will likely leave you with a lifetime of regret.

But enough about choosing to be a Rutgers fan. #14 on the list of Bad Ideas is Sleeping with your wife’s sister, which is also a terrible idea. Don’t do it. (BigRedTwice)

Week 10: Rutgers is... Rock or Something

The military is infamous for at least two things: bad food and dummy-proofing ("Joe-proof") everything. These two traits ignominiously intersect in the chemical wonder we call the MRE heater pouch. To wit, a crude black and white diagram directs the hungry GI to carefully assemble the heater pouch, the chosen packet of slop, and its cardboard container into a makeshift microwave of disappointment. The final step on the journey to gastronomic distress is to lean the device on a "rock or something" until it’s piping hot. You can imagine the initial design probably only said "rock". Then the big brains at the Pentagon found out some poor private didn’t eat for three days thanks to the absence of a rock, so they added "or something" for good measure. If any B1G team fits the bill of "Rock or Something" it’s Rutgers, though it could be argued that Rutgers isn’t a rock because a rock can at least beat scissors. Congratulations, Rutgers. You’re…really something. (GoForThree)

Week 11: Rutgers is... Something about a Krusty Krab?

Like the Krusty Krab, things just aren’t fair for Rutgers. After getting hosed by Michigan State, I’m inclined to agree. (LincolnParkWildcat)

Week 12: Rutgers is... Stale Urine in a Growler

Let me tell you a story, kids. About 4 years ago I was at a friend's 21st birthday party in Eau Claire. It was a wonderful time -- we played Edward Fortyhands, Hammerschlagen, MarioKart, and were generally being enjoyable, intoxicated idiots, hurting no one but ourselves and having a nice time.

After a while, a friend wandered in and offered me a full growler, capped and (to my drunk eye) sealed, and asked if I wanted a drink. I said "Sure!" and unscrewed the cap and brought the bottle toward my mouth.

At that moment, another friend came running in and yelled "[MNW]! STOP!" and grabbed the growler away from me, upon which the newly-turned 21-year old started cackling like a goddamn idiot.

You see, children, the growler was full of the birthday boy's urine. In this story I am Jim Delany, my thirst is the thirst for a new television market, and Rutgers is a bunch of piss that's sat in a growler for over an hour.

Unfortunately, Jim Delany did not have a friend to grab the growler and tell him this was a really, really shitty idea, apparently. Or he was that thirsty. (MNWildcat)

Week 13: Rutgers is... O'Doul's

WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF YOUR EXISTENCE RUTGERS?!?!?!?!?!?! (Speth)

Week 14: Rutgers is... a Phoenix (Combustion Stage)

We literally burst into flames this season, but... YOU JUST WAIT. Something, something Ash, something, something rise from it. (ZuzuRU)