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B1G Satire - Jim Delany and the No-Good, Very Bad Season

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Who Really Pulls the B1G Strings?

The Big Ten Network Kick Off Party Photo by Ben Gabbe/Getty Images for Wink Public Relations

Big Ten Conference Headquarters, Park Ridge Illinois – Jim Delany’s Office

Secretary: Mr. Delany, sir? Sir, it’s him…on the phone.

Delany: Oh shit, put him through quick!

Anonymous: Delany…what happened? Ohio State…Michigan…in the playoff. Huge payday. That other team, at least 8 losses...that’s what we agreed. What happened?

Delany: I told the coaches…I told them all.

Anonymous: Delany, I did everything here. I got the deal done…I got that chin guy to the NFL. All you had to do was make sure they got beaten. You just had one thing to do. Losers don’t close Jim. Losers. Find out what went wrong.

That other team...those Penn State bastards…horrible, horrible people.

It was a simple request, Jim. Keep them in the basement. Do that and the Big Ten gets two teams in the playoff. You screwed it all up. The one team you were supposed to kill. They are losers. Terrible people. You know that. I want answers.

/hangs up.

Delany: Fuck those Penn State pricks. Boo me? Make game day signs about me? They’re all assholes, led by king ass-hat James fucking Franklin. They screwed this up so bad…

I can’t believe I have to wear that fake smile every time I see his shit-eating grin. Fuck him. After all the work I did to prevent this bullshit.

/leans out his door

Get those jagoffs on the phone. Start with that douche Harbaugh…

University of Michigan, Coach Harbaugh’s office…Phone rings.

Harbaugh: You got the Jimster. Speak at me.

Secretary: Coach Harbaugh, please hold for Commissioner Delany.

Delany: God dammit Jim, you limp dick, this wasn’t the plan.

The Orange Bowl for Christ sake? You are getting a shit load of money. We hyped the shit out of that wet fart of a cornerback for you. You are supposed to win the conference…not go to that arm-pit of a city to play some cut-rate ACC school.

Harbaugh: Hey, hey, it’s not me, man. That fucking committee screwed us royally. Shit man, Ohio State got in and we didn’t? I mean fuck that, we beat both of those shit schools in the B1G championship game. That was fucked. They have it out for me. Fuuuuuuuuuu….

/sounds of crashing and slamming

Delany: Listen to me you petulant child, this was your big shot and you blew it.

YOU BLEW IT.

I’m not pissed that you lost to Ohio State. That one got away…but Iowa? That’s unforgivable and it opened the door for that bastard Franklin. You better get your shit together, boy.

/hangs up the phone

Harbaugh (Shouting into the phone): It’s the fucking refs Jim…The REFS!

University of Minnesota, Coach Claey’s office…Phone rings.

Claeys: /sounds of chewing…Ugh, h’lo?

Secretary: Coach Claeys, please hold for Commissioner Delany.

/rustling of wrappers being hastily shoved out of the way

Delany: Tracy, do you like your job?

Claeys: Y’know, uhhh, yeah I do.

Delany: We talked about the key to your job this year, right?

Claeys: Uhh, well yeah. Uh, yeah we did.

Delany: And I circled a game on your calendar, right? Right? The one game you were supposed to win. It wasn’t hard, Tracy. It wasn’t that fucking hard. What the fuck happened?

Claeys: Well, uh, you know, uh, we didn’t do the little things in that game. Uh. It hurts when they beat your ass…I uh, I don’t know what happened.

Delany: You don’t know? You don’t know?

You could go back to being the special teams coordinator at Cow Dump U in a heartbeat, if I don’t get some answers.

Here’s what I KNOW happened…you let that fuckstick James Frankling beat your ass. This guy had seven linebackers hurt in that game. SEVEN.

They were starting a guy who had never played a snap at that position…how the fuck do you not run the ball straight up their ass? Their safety made 22 tackles in that game. Jesus, I can’t believe you couldn’t pull that out.

Claeys: /snuffles

Delany: Are you crying? Get your shit together. Get it together, or so help me god.

/hangs up the phone.

University of Iowa, Ferentz Coach ’s office. Phone rings…

Ferentz: This is Coach Ferentz.

Secretary: Coach Ferentz, please hold for Commissioner Delany.

Ferentz: Well well. How’s it hanging Del, ol’ boy. It’s a great day ain’t it?

Delany: What? What? No…

Ferentz: Yeah, Michigan got fucked. I got paid. It’s a great, great day here in Iowa City.

Delany: What? No. No…you bastard.

Ferentz: Great day, great day. I’m thinking about a little Herky Jerky later…ha ha just kidding.

Delany: Jesus, Ferentz. I just can’t even.

Look, you screwed the pooch in that Penn State game. What the fuck were you thinking? How do you give up 41 points to them and hold Michigan to 14 points? You were never even in that Penn State game. What the hell? That’s not why I endorsed your extension you greedy…

/there is a click on the line

Ferentz: Oh shit, Del, that’s my broker. I gotta run, this money doesn’t manage itself.

/hangs up

Delany: You insufferable bastard…

/slams his fist on the desk

Michigan State University, Coach Dantonio’s office. Phone rings…

Dantonio: /Imperial March playing in the background. This…is…Dantonio

Secretary: Coach Dantonio, please hold for Commissioner Delany.

/sounds of heavy breathing

Delany: Mark, you let me down.

/sounds of heavy breathing

Delany: You guys were shitty this year, but I thought we agreed that you’d beat Penn State. You fucked me. You played that game against Ohio State

/sounds of heavy breathing. Music gets louder.

Dantonio: You should know better than to talk to me like that Delany.

Delany: Knock that shit off Mark. It may work on your 18 year olds, but I know better. Now what in the actual fuck was that performance at Penn State? Did you look past them? Cripes.

Dantonio: I fucking hate that Urban Meyer. He’s a stain on the universe. I will destroy him.

Delany: You played Ohio State to a standstill. If you hadn’t thrown the game with that two-point try, you could’ve truly fucked the Big Ten’s chances in the National Championship. But you still screwed me.

What the fuck were you doing against Penn State? Did your talented defense forget how to play?

Dantonio: Urban Meyer must burn. Burn…

Delany: Oh for crying out loud, are you dressed up in costume again? For fuck’s sake…just stay with me here. What in the hell were you doing against Penn State? Did your talented defense forget how to tackle? Did your offense stick its head up its own ass inside the 20 yard line? Three trips to the red zone…three. And you came up with field goals.

I mean, that’s like going to a whore house and getting hand jobs, Mark. You guys looked utterly pathetic.

Dantonio: The force wa…

Delany: God dammit you silly squirrel, cut that shit out. If you just put up some kind of a fight…any kind of a fight…fuck.

/hangs up the phone.

Big Ten Conference Headquarters, Park Ridge Illinois – Jim Delany’s Office

Delany: Now for that other sorry son of a bitch…

/leans out his door

Get me that Paul effing Chryst…

University of Wisconsin, Coach Chryst’s office. Phone rings…

Chryst: It’s a great day in Madison…On Wisconsin! This is Coach of the Year Chryst speaking.

Secretary: Coach Chryst, please hold for Commissioner Delany.

Delany: You…/gets interrupted.

Chryst: Wow, it’s great to hear from you Jimmy. What a great game, huh? Heck of a job by that Penn State team.

Delany: Listen to me, you prick…you had one job. One.

Chryst: Hey, hey…language, man.

Delany: You blew a 28 to 7 lead with one of the top rated defenses in the country. That takes a special talent, you jackass.

I think your defensive backfield was the “special” team on Saturday. What in actual fuck? Did they get high? Did they get drunk? How did they forget how to tackle? You had them down 28-7 and then what? WHAT IN THE FUCK HAPPENED?

Chryst: To tell you the truth, we don’t face all that many passing offenses in the West. I mean, Tommy Armstrong, but he’s throwing at my players as often as he’s throwing at his own. And same with Purdue. Iowa doesn’t even throw the ball downfield, sooo…

Delany: It doesn’t even matter. What I want to know is, after running effectively all game…how in the fuck do you not convert that fourth down?

Chryst: Well you know, sometimes you just don’t make it. I mean, I’m proud of the team. We played as a team…

Delany: Save the damn platitudes for somebody else. You weren’t shit at Pittsburgh. You know that. I know that. I pulled those strings to get you the Wisconsin job. You think Alvarez is going to just let some jackass with a 19-19 win record come in and be his head coach?

NO HE WOULD NOT.

You do what I say. And you beat who I tell you to beat. And you failed…

Chryst: /voice a bit rattled. Hey, hey, Jim. There’s no need to bring this up with Coach Alvarez. I’ll do better. Really.

Delany: It’s too late now, you dumb bastard. Penn State won. They are the Big Ten Champions. Do you know how much I hate that?

/sounds of breaking glass

I fucking hate that a lot. James Franklin is a grinning idiot and now he’s on top. I’ll hear that damnable We Are chant in my dreams now.

/slams down the phone.

Big Ten Conference Headquarters, Park Ridge Illinois – Jim Delany’s Office

Secretary: Mr. Delany, sir? Sir, it’s him again.

Delany: Sir? I talked to them all. I started off with Jim Harbaugh…

Anonymous: Him? I thought he was a winner. A real stand-up guy. All Harbaugh does is complain. Sad! Not a winner.

Delany: Yes sir. He did beat Penn State though…but he didn’t get into the Playoff.

Anonymous: Loser. He should be fired.

Delany: Yes sir. Well, uh and I spoke with Paul Chryst…

Anonymous: Loser. Even bigger loser. That team couldn’t get two yards. Awful, just awful. I would have won that game so fast, your head would spin. It would’ve been a great game.

Our coach, he’s a good guy. He’s a nice guy. He’s a loser. Not one conference win. Not one.

I tell you what. I’m taking over. You just watch me. I’ve got plays, I’ve got all the plays, and they are great plays.

My school is going to be the best in the East. It’s great and it’ll bring in TV money. So much TV money. And we hate Penn State. They are terrible. Horrible people at a horrible school.

I’m going to make my school great again. I’ll brand everything. It’ll be the best. I’m going to have my own state university. Fuck that private stuff. I’m going to get real money…sports money. The NCAA is going to pay me!

Set up the Press Conference…I’m going to announce today!

Two Hours Later in Piscataway…