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Mailbag - Sending Nebraska Back to the Big Twelve Edition

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It's time for Mailbag, a collection of ridiculous answers to equally ridiculous (and sometimes great) questions about the Big Ten Conference, Disney Princesses, and OTE itself.

Neville E. Guard-USA TODAY Sports

Q: What will the level of humor be when pre-season national title "favorite" Maryland finishes 3rd in the Big Ten? - hoegher

Aaron Yorke: Meh. Maryland was never my favorite to win the conference, so I wouldn't be that amused. If they exit early from the Big Ten or national tournament, that would be something. This is a team that still isn't as good as the sum of its parts. That potential, however, makes the Terps a national title contender even if they don't win the conference crown.

Zuzu: Humor level over 9000. I'll be cracking up. Anything that makes Maryland suffer by not letting them win in the sport they love most is good enough for this Rutgers fan. Hm? Am I bitter from that football game from last season? No... what gave you that impression...?

Stew: I'll chuckle quite a bit at the basketball version of FSU football fans. But I don't think it's quite as surprising as their fans would like you to believe. I think I had MSU winning in the preseason, and they never have looked like world beaters, though this season, no one really does.

Jesse: Mild? I get the disdain for the Terps this year was turned up really high when visions of, "We're gonna waltz through the conference" danced through their heads, into their typing hands, and onto the screen, but even the most fervent Terrapin fan knew this was possible. Of course, as I say all this, it wouldn't surprise me terribly to see the talent on Maryland figure something out and go on a late run in the tournament, rendering some of this conversation moot.

C4B: Decently high. Probably similar to the humor of having an Indiana team that was kinda left for dead twice (after Maui and after the Duke game) be very much in position to steal a conference title.

Speth: Less humorous than how drunk I am answering mailbag questions, but that's a pretty high bar.

Townie: High, but the tears and despair of the fans will be delicious...


Q: If you had to arrange Disney Princesses (or Princes) in the order you'd cheat on your spouse with, who's first? - Jon Ross

Yorke: Mulan is the only one who can protect me when my girlfriend goes on the warpath.

Zuzu: No spouse. I'll take Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid and the Prince from the recent live action version of Cinderalla, thank you.

Stew: Since this question is about cheat on with, and not marry, I think I'd go with Elsa from Frozen. She's not really down for long term commitment, would be a fun time. Merida, from Brave, comes in 2nd for similar reasons, also red head. Jasmine 3rd, but she seems like she wouldn't want to be in that type of relationship, also the Tiger scares me. I think these are the only 3 acceptable choices. Also, I hate you for making me do this thought exercise.

Jesse: Um... this is a weird question. Plead the fifth. Plead the fifth. Plead the... It's Jasmine, right? I mean, you're living in a baller palace, she'd bring a tiger to the party, and that little blue two piece thing was pretty great. However, let's go back to the part where THIS IS A REALLY WEIRD QUESTION.

C4B: I mean, is there really a wrong answer to this question? Disney princesses are not known for being ugly, so it's really just a matter of which one first, in which case give me Jasmine. But again, really no wrong choice here.

Speth: Rapunzel. But really you can't lose with Disney Princesses.

Townie: Speth has it right, Rapunzel. First of all, you know she'll sneak out. She loves bars, karaoke, and walks in the woods. She's athletic and spontaneous. And she's got your back in a fight. What's not to love there?



Q: If you could convert one OTE commenter or "writer" from their current fandom to your own team's, which one would it be and why? - waw

Zuzu: Hands down would convert GoForThree to a Rutgers fan. Would love to see him unforgivingly hold a classic "GF3 stance" in favor of RU.

Jesse: I'm drafting one of the Northwestern writers into the Nebraska cabal. Partly because I think we would all get along pretty well, and partly because it would sure as hell make my life easier to have one of their forty writers join in on the Nebraska fun.

Stew: Bschim is the first to come to mind, because LOL. GoForThree would be interesting for a little while. Hoegher as a fan of trash would be entertaining. I'd say MNWildcat, but he's already a secret Iowa fan.

MNW: I dunno. Maybe Thumpasaurus, so he can cheer for a successful team and not have to leave the state of Illinois.

Speth: Graham. Because then someone intelligent would be writing for Wisconsin.

Yorke: I'd make Ray a Penn State fan because I'm not sure he knows what basketball is.

Townie: BigRedTwice, because she's sane and intelligent. That would elevate the PSU fan bar quite a bit.



Q: Which B1G Assistant Coach is the next one to get poached by another school? - waw

MNW: I get the feeling that eventually Patrick Baldwin will leave NU and go coach at one of the low-tier Chicago universities. I doubt this answers your question (which was probably about football), but I don't feel like learning about your teams today.
If your question was about football, just insert some low-paid Wisconsin assistant. That's a safe enough bet.

Jesse: I cannot wait for the moment that Tim Beck gets his next job for no really good reason. So I'm picking him on hilarity alone.

Stew: For a head coaching job, or basically a lateral move for a $ raise? For the former, I'll say Jedd Fisch, the Passing Game Coordinator for MI. For the later? I'll go with Greg Frey, Indiana's OL coach and co-offensive coordinator.

Zuzu: I don't know, but Greg Schiano really wants to be a head coach... He settled for Ohio State's Defensive Coordinator position because he's pals with Urban. I don't think he's gonna get poached I think he's gonna TRY to jump.

Speth: Paul Chryst. Not an assistant coach? Well this is a bad question because obviously Chryst is gone after this year.

Townie: Just please god, leave Penn State alone for a year or three...

Q: Is the Virginia Tech coach Kevin Dresser calling Iowa coach Tom Brands an "orange" the best thing ever? - mattinglywasking

Zuzu: Nah. The best thing ever is obviously a dinosaur with scarlet feathers and "Block R" war paint.

Jesse: So I read that whole thing and I get where he's coming from I guess, but... wow. Also, I will now refer to all people who annoy me as ‘orange'. So that's fun.

Stew: I mean, the guy is totally wrong, Brands is afraid of anything. He schedules Okie State every year out of conference. Brands is the former head coach at VT. That's why he's so pissed.

Speth: Only if Brands tans a lot. Or has a love of clementines. Or snorts Nacho Cheese Doritos. Any of the above, I don't judge a man's personal activities.

Townie: I LOVED THIS! Wrestling coaches are still badass and yes, saying an "orange" is shorthand for "that" and then calling the coach an orange was brilliant.

Q: Which B1G teams will get NCAA tournament bids and what do you project the seeds will be for each? - bucksfan92

MNW: Iowa (2), Michigan State (2), Maryland (3), Indiana (5), Purdue (6), Michigan (10), Wisconsin (11, welcome to Dayton).
BONUS PICK: NIT seeds will be Ohio State (3), Nebraska (6). Northwestern will play in the Vegas 16 Invitational to the sound of one hand clapping.

Zuzu: Not Rutgers.

Stew: Iowa (2), MSU (2), MD (3), Purdue (5), IN (6), MI (10). Fuck Wisconsin.

Graham: Iowa (2), MSU (2), MD (4), Purdue (6), Indiana (5), Michigan (10), Wisconsin (play in).

Jesse: Indiana, Iowa, Maryland, MSU, Michigan, Purdue. Wisconsin will manage to have one more bad loss and not make the tournament.

Speth: MSU (1), Maryland (2), Iowa (3. Get fucked, you're losing on Wednesday), Indiana (5), Purdue (5), Wisconsin (9), Michigan (First Four)

Townie: Yeah, I hate basketball. Don't care, Don't care, Don't care.

Q: Where will goforthree's child-to-be go to college: Navy, Air Force, or Michigan? - ziowa9

Zuzu: Rutgers.

Stew:

Graham: As a brash, but talented kid, he will attend the Naval Academy. His intuition and brashness will clash with the rule-following and surprisingly attractive instructor.

Speth: Air Force. Off we go into the wild blue yonder.

Townie: Merchant marines.

Q: Which fanbase is the most annoying: Maryland Basketball, Ohio State football, Iowa everything, or Penn State volleyball? - GophersinCNY40

MNW: The answer is always Iowa.

Zuzu: Maryland Basketball. Have you even SEEN *coughTheCertainBlogSiteDedicatedToMarylandcough*?

Stew: This year? Wisconsin fans.

Graham: Spartan Punters on Twitter.

C4B: Ohio State football, but Iowa comes in a close second.

Jesse: I mean, that's pretty much the weirdest set of choices when #VolsTwitter is on the table.

Speth: All of the above mentioned fan bases have won a national championship this century in the specific sport mentioned. Then you have the clusterfuck of national embarrassment that is Iowa in football and basketball. I almost hope you win on Wednesday so you can be the first 1 seed to lose to a 16 seed because that would be the most Iowa thing ever. Get fucked. /Christian McCaffrey scored again.

Townie: Maryland basketball fans are insufferable.



Q: Would you like to see Nebraska go back to the Big 12? - badgersox

MNW: I'd like to see Penn State go to the AAC.

Zuzu: I second MNW.

Stew: Hey, they'd have won the Big 12 North this year.

Graham: No. The state of Nebraska is overflowing with love of Husker football. Why would we want to lose that? And Tim Miles. Bless that man. What a good human being.

C4B: 9-7-3 is a beautiful thing, and while I wouldn't mind seeing a game actually played between IU and Nebraska, I'd be OK never losing to them again as well. :P

Yorke: No! Corn friends till the end!

Jesse: No, I would not like to see Nebraska go back to the Big XII.

Speth: No. The Quadrangle of Hate must be maintained. Send Illinois to the MAC though.

Townie: Nope, I like playing Nebraska in football. At least they offer some competition...cough Rutgers...cough Maryland...

Thanks for playing folks. That's all the questions and all the answers we have for you this week.

Your Friends,

The OTE "Writers"