Behold, peons, and rejoice at your fortune to be privileged enough to bask in the magnificence of such an enlightened one as I, Thumpasaurus, winner of the 2016 OTE Big Ten Tournament Pick'em.
As the king of that mountain, I find it only appropriate that I be designated Thumpasaurus Rex until such a time as I am toppled from my lofty throne.
But what guided my divine hand to correctly bestow my favor upon those teams who would prove themselves most worthy? I shall offer you, dear reader, a rare look into the evaluative process of Thumpasaurus Rex.
Game 1: Illinois Fighting Illini over Minnesota Golden Gophers
Among my easiest selections. Minnesota may have sent in one of the most overmatched starting lineups in the history of the Big Ten Tournament, as I have devoured most of their scholarship players. Though they had proportionally longer arms, this served them poorly as my sheer strength overwhelmed them.
Game 2: Nebraska Cornhuskers over Rutgers Scarlet Knights
Though the conventional wisdom pertaining to the difficulty of defeating a team thrice in a season clouded my judgment, not even my vast powers could conceive of a scenario where Rutgers won a game in the Big Ten Men's Basketball Tournament.
Game 3: Michigan Wolverines over Northwestern Wildcats
Woe be upon you, Northwestern fans, for Bill Carmody is going to the NCAA tournament and you are not. Looking at the weather conditions in Hell showed that it was not frozen over yesterday, so I'm sorry to say you had no chance. Maybe keep that bookmarked so you can check the conditions every Selection Sunday. Jon Beilein, despite once losing to John Groce in the Round of 64, seems to do his best coaching in postseason tournaments.
Iowa Hawkeyes over Illinois Fighting Illini
This game proved that although I am far closer to being as such than you mere mortals, I am not fully omniscient. I underestimated the power of Iowa to choke, and I didn't count on John Groce being able to wring one last high-energy performance out of an Illinois squad that would finish with nineteen losses. I was quite delighted to be proven wrong.
Game 5: Ohio State Buckeyes over Penn State Nittany Lions
Ohio State's talent, though raw enough to require an FDA warning in the Big Ten Tournament program, is still superior to the sum of Penn State's talent, experience and coaching.
Wisconsin Badgers over Nebraska Cornhuskers
Though I correctly predicted that Nebraska would be given an uncomfortably close game by Rutgers, I had thought this would sufficiently wear down Andrew White and Shavon Shields. However, Nebrasketball caught an unprepared Wisconsin with its pants down, defying my prediction.
Game 7: Michigan Wolverines over Indiana Hoosiers
What could be more perfectly representative of the Tom Crean Indiana Hoosiers than to lock up the outright conference season championship, secure Coach of the Year honors for Crean, and promptly lose to a depleted Michigan team that bracketologists had left for dead, dropping the Hoosiers to a 5-seed? If you didn't see this coming, hello and welcome to Indiana basketball under Tom Crean.
Game 8: Purdue Boilermakers over Illinois Fighting Illini
I'd thought Iowa would be here after surviving a scare from Illinois and be absolutely hammered into oblivion by Purdue. My prediction of "absolutely hammered into oblivion by Purdue" was quite accurate.
Game 9: Michigan State Spartans over Ohio State Buckeyes
Of the 61 entries, only one picked Ohio State to win this game. Four picked Penn State. I don't believe this requires further explanation; sometimes, my ways are neither mysterious nor enigmatic after all.
Game 10: Maryland Terrapins over Nebraska Cornhuskers
I picked this game thinking Wisconsin would be the opponent for Maryland, who have learned that assaulting Wisconsin players is perfectly legal. Since Nebraska and Wisconsin look the same from a distance, the same logic applied to this matchup.
Game 11: Purdue Boilermakers over Michigan Wolverines
I struggled with this selection but ultimately decided that Beilein would only conjure a single miracle in this tournament and did not have the horses to win without one.
Game 12: Michigan State Spartans over Maryland Terrapins
Tom Izzo is very good at the Big Ten Tournament. Maryland had to get to a 5-seed somehow.
Game 13: Michigan State Spartans over Purdue Boilermakers
The obvious choice is usually not that exciting, but is obvious for a reason. Tom Izzo is simply better than Matt Painter, and the Hammons/Haas (Hamas) combo has its limits.
Tiebreaker 1: Championship Game Score 154
If I revealed the infantile riddle the Illuminati used to generate this score for me, they would throw the world into chaos by launching an ill-fated attempt to hunt down and destroy me.
Tiebreaker 2: Championship Combined Score: 666
In honor of Bruce Pearl.
Thus, with a total score of 31 points, I won the Pick'Em.
I would like to offer a special commendation for br27, who managed a perfect zero on his bracket.
Although he truly only had to pick four games incorrectly to run the table, a perfect score is a perfect score.
So there you have it. Full standings are below:
|49||Candystripes for Breakfast||15|
|56||87 Rides A Surfboard||12|