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Definitely not a Harbaugh article.

I've learned my lesson.

Eric Bolte-USA TODAY Sports

I'd like to publicly apologize for writing a piece on Jim Harbaugh for the Tuesday edition of Off Tackle Empire. It was wrong of me, and I should have known better. As my apology, I give you the style of writing you can expect from me in future editions of Off Tackle Empire:

Types of Ice, Ranked

12. Black

Cue /thatsracist.gif but black ice sucks. It is the worst. Fuck black ice.

11. Sleet

Barely better than black ice. Either be snow or be rain, sleet. You're just pissing us off.

10. Vanilla

One-hit wonder, kind of a douche. Also not actually frozen water, which knocks him down the list a ways.

9. Block

Used in coolers, good for little else.

8. Crescent

Like what restaurants give you in your drinks. Too hard to chew, not a particularly aesthetic look.

7. Hail


Fine, you happy? Hail actually kind of amuses me. I mean sure, damaging cars and stuff is bad, but I'm always intrigued to hear how weatherpeople actually describe the hail. Is it pea-sized? Quarter-sized? The size of softballs? THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW.

But it's destructive and stuff and probably not a good thing. Be better, hail.

6. Shaved

Not good until you add syrup to it. It just kinda sits there until it melts away otherwise.

5. Funny shapes

That'll last about as long as the honeymoon does, babe.

4. Hockey

Much better than field hockey, and way less pretentious than lacrosse. Better if played on a pond, but we'll allow it on your nice little ice sheets, too. Usually causes me pain when played professionally.

3. Top Hat

These mean I'm drinking a fancy cocktail, and I like that.

2. Cream

Duh. Delicious.

1. Pellets

The purest and best form of ice. As a notorious ice chewer, these are just fucking fantastic. Soft, chewable, and delicious.

In Conclusion

Please consider this my official apology for writing a Harbaugh article and send both articles off to Buzzfeed, Gawker, and Bleacher Report.

Also, the following and fans of their teams can get fucked: Paul Chryst, Tracy Claeys, Mike Riley, Kirk Ferentz, Lovie Smith, Kevin Wilson, Mike D'Antoni, James Franklin, Brian Kelly, whatever Rutgers' and Maryland's coaches are, and especially Urban Meyer.

I think that covers the rest of the Big Ten, Michigan fans. You're welcome.

Thank you for your continued readership of Off Tackle Empire.