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B1G 2016: The Downward Spiral of Purdue Football

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Who thought this was a good idea?
Who thought this was a good idea?
Sandra Dukes-USA TODAY Sports

Normally, this article would be the sole provenance of myself as the Indiana writer, but considering I have much more hate for Purdue basketball right now than Purdue football (consistent ownership of the Old Oaken Bucket does that apparently), I chose to hand off this year's edition (at least in part) to someone much more capable of mustering the hate needed to make it glorious. In closing, beating Purdue is one of life's great pleasures, and you're not taking back the Bucket this year. Take it away, LPW.

12 years ago Purdue was ranked #5 in the country, hosting the #10 Wisconsin Badgers on a crisp fall evening, on October 17th, 2004. ESPN College Gameday was in town for the big game:

Everything was going well for the Boilermakers until the very end of the game when Badger cornerback Scott Starks returned a Kyle Orton fumble 40 yards for a TD to win the game.

Purdue Football hasn't been the same since. It's been all downhill.

And now, from both LPW and myself, a piece I'd like to call "Variations on a Theme":

Purdue Football is the itch you can’t scratch under a cast.

Purdue Football is the 10 pounds you can’t lose no matter how much diet and exercise you undertake.

Purdue Football is the rancid fart in church that you can't acknowledge.

Purdue Football is the screaming baby on an airplane.

Purdue Football is the nails scratching on a blackboard.

Purdue Football is the rain on your wedding day.

Purdue Football is the persistent slice in your golf swing.

Purdue Football is ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife.

Purdue Football is the neighbor that keeps you up all night.

Purdue Football is the kid on a cellphone during the movies.

Purdue Football is the soggy grocery bag that falls apart.

Purdue Football is the fly in your ointment.

Purdue Football is the cashed keg at a party.

Purdue Football is the person in the drive thru who orders for like 10 people.

Purdue Football is the person at starbucks who orders a 30 word cappucino and left her credit card at home.

Purdue Football is people who 'earn' the job title "Professional Litigator".

Purdue Football is the deflated spare tire after running over a pothole.

Purdue Football is the person who spoiled Harry Potter secrets while people were outside waiting to buy the books.

Purdue Football is the inferior football team that you just can't put away.

Purdue Football is the damaged package from Amazon Prime.

Purdue Football is the streaming service that is known to buffer at all the worst times.

Purdue Football is the roomate that ate all the thin mints.

Purdue Football is the cankersore that won’t go away.

Purdue Football is the beer that even people from Wisconsin won't drink. (Just kidding, that doesn't exist.)

Purdue Football is the Jar Jar binks of Star Wars characters.

Purdue Football is the person who always plays Friday by Rebecca Black. On Tuesday.

Purdue Football likes Nickelback.