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Burn Notice: Laremy Tunsil

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In Which We Refuse To Use The Term "Gate" To Describe This Scandal

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Hi!
My name is...what?
My name is...who?
My name is...Tun-Shady

Hi kids!
Do you like payments?
Wanna see me stick nine-inch stacks
In each in one of my pockets?
Wanna copy me and do just like I did?
Keep texts and get f***cked over worse than my life is?

In the parlance of VH1, Laremy Tunsil is decidedly not having the best week ever. Hotty toddy, gosh almighty, the erstwhile Ole Miss student-athlete and one-time top rated draft prospect sure pissed someone off. Someone with a very particular set of skills. Someone who was able to gain access to his phone, screenshot old text conversations, get those happy-snaps off Tunsil's phone to another device, and then wait for the most diabolical of moments to drop the bomb.

How in the wide, wide world of sports did this happen? Rarely is anything in modern athletics truly "unprecedented," but this does seem to be one of those moments. For those who missed the furor as the true viral potential of social media played out to a backdrop of the NFL draft, I offer you a brief analogy.

Recall if you will the 1980s tour de force An American Tail. At the climactic moment, when the evil, yellow-eyed cats are bearing down upon our rodent heroes—the moment when all seems hopelessly lost...the cry goes out in a mock-Polish accent: "Wewease deh secwet weabon!" In that instant of greatest opportunity, the diabolical Great Mouse of Minsk bursts forth in a stupefying display of mousey mechanical ingenuity--a battle wagon of mouse malice, breathing flame and fireworks as it lays waste to the feline menace, making victors of the small and powerless.

Laremy Tunsil, you have met your Great Mouse of Minsk. And whoever unleashed it is a cold, calculating, shrewd sonofabitch. A sonofabitch who revealed exactly what we already knew about SEC football and Ole Miss's rather...uh, shall we say "curious"...glut of top-shelf talent.

Unless, of course...it was all done at Mr. Tunsil's behest. If so, he is the king of tossing a match and walking away from the explosion like a boss—albeit a boss who lost about $10 million in the process. Either way, Ole Miss Football is in flames.

One's things for certain: you get what you pay for.