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SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: NEW MEXICO STATE AGGIES

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I MUST HAVE DRANK A LOT. WHAT IS LAS CRUCES, NEW MEXICO AND HOW DID I GET HERE?

Old Mexico State sends their regards
Old Mexico State sends their regards
Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

LOYAL SUBJECTS OF THE EMPIRE, I WELCOME YOU TO THE SECOND INSTALLMENT OF SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA.

I do not believe I adequately explained my purpose. As of today, 114 days remain until the 2016 college football season. There are 114 FBS teams that are not sufficiently glorious to warrant membership in the legendary Big Ten Conference.

THEY SHALL ALL BE DESTROYED. EVERY LAST ONE.

IF THE PEOPLE RAISE A GREAT HOWL AGAINST MY BARBARITY AND CRUELTY, I WILL ANSWER THAT WAR IS WAR.

Though my rampage in Charlotte was highly productive, I appear to have gotten sick of that city and desired to get as far away from it as possible. This is my only explanation for how I ended up west of Texas and near Mexico at something called New Mexico State University.

THIS IS A STATE? WHY DID MY BELOVED UNION MAKE THIS PLACE A FULLY-FLEDGED STATE?

I HAVE A MASSIVE APPETITE. IN FACT IT IS AN APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION. I SHALL COMMISSION A SUITE OF ROUSING MARCHES TO BE KNOWN BY THAT NAME. PEOPLE SHALL HEAR THESE WORKS AND MY APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION SHALL INSPIRE THEM TO FIRE THEIR GUNS IN THE AIR AND THROW ROSES AT MY FEET.

But I digress. The New Mexico State Aggies are the kind of football program you take over on the EA Sports NCAA Football games in order to elevate the most obscure downtrodden program you can find to the top. Since winning the Sun Bowl in 1960, the Aggies have managed to play every single season without making a bowl game and with only four winning seasons. What an incredible legacy!

The Aggies are named for the University's agricultural heritage, so naturally their logo is a dude toting dual revolvers.

NMSU logo

THIS IS NOT HOW YOU DO AGRICULTURE

This logo was introduced in 2005 to replace what was literally a palette swap of the Oklahoma State Pistol Pete, but its original incarnation featured a lasso. Granted, it is more of an animal husbandry implement than an agricultural implement, but it's closer than a stick-up and high-noon shootout implement. So why the guns?

Apparently there was a huge backlash to a mascot that didn't have guns. Bill O'Reilly even decried it as "political correctness run amok" because it was seen as an anti-gun maneuver. HOW COULD PETE STAND HIS GROUND AGAINST ARMED MASCOTS? Guns were restored to the logo and Pistol Pete was back in 2007. Two years later, he would be suspended for fighting with the bull-like Utah State mascot, who he attempted to ride. You know what would have helped? A lasso.

THE NEW MEXICO STATE AGGIES ARE TOO PITIABLE TO EARN ANY PROPER RAGE FROM THE LIKES OF ME. THIS TOWN SHALL NOT TAKE LONG TO INCINERATE; PERHAPS ADVISORS AT MY MEMBER SCHOOLS CAN TEACH YOU ABOUT AGRICULTURE WITHOUT PISTOLS.

NEXT SCHEDULED MATCHUP WITH THE BIG TEN: August 30th, 2018 against the Minnesota Golden Gophers regiment, WHO HAD BEST IMPROVE ON THEIR PREVIOUS EFFORT.

SHERMAN'S NEXT DESTINATION: I shall spend tomorrow gathering my forces to march on COLLEGE STATION, TX