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SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: TEXAS A&M AGGIES

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HOW THE HELL DID I END UP IN COLLEGE STATION? WHAT DID I DRINK LAST NIGHT?!?

Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

Members of the Union, today I travel to College Station, Texas, a hellhole of truly breathtaking arrogance and depravity. I see that this place has been incinerated once before. Though I believe my troops can burn more acreage than those land thieves from Oklahoma, I commend them on their burnination.

77-0

Have you ever been trailing 77-0 in the third quarter of a conference game?

If you have, then your logo looks like ATM, which surely strikes fear into the heart of opponents. OH DEAR GOD THEY'RE GOING TO PROMPT ME FOR MY PIN!

So you think joining the Confederate sympathizers in the SEC will re-stock your ATM with new cash? They're going to kick the crap out of you year in and year out. Johnny Manziel was a fluke and your natural resting place will be struggling to stay ahead of Vanderbilt and Kentucky. You're going to wish that you'd stayed in the Big 12. WHOSE ASS TASTES BETTER, TEXAS' OR ALABAMA'S?

You'll never escape from Texas. THEY'RE IN YOUR FIGHT SONG. Unless you changed that verse to be all about beating your bitter and historic rival Tennessee. No matter what happens, that Longhorn envy will NEVER be sated. Even the Red Raiders at least have a supermodel coaching them. What do you have?

A problem with quarterbacks, that's what you have. So you think you're better than the Big 12 now. Interesting that Kyler Murray left for Oklahoma. Even more interesting how Kyle Allen left for HOUSTON. Weird how you thought you were now a level above the Big 12 and yet you now have to take quarterbacks they don't want because yours don't want to play for you anymore.KEEP TWEETING, AGGIES! YOU'RE HELPING YOUNG MEN EVERYWHERE AVOID YOUR SHITTY TEAM.

Let's talk about how you fistfucked the Fightin' Pelini Regiment one year on the shitstain of a mattress home turf that is Kyle Field. I take you back to 2010. Oh yes, the Huskers were indeed better than your QB-turned-wideout-turned-QB that evening, but since your brethren in Austin owed you for the dowry money you didn't take from bringing in Baylor for food stamps, they gave you this game against Taylor Martinez and made sure to literally punch a Cotton in the sack. REMEMBER THE ALAMO? REMEMBER THE SOULS YOU SOLD TO WIN THAT GAME.

HOW MANY CONFEDERATE OIL DOLLARS DID IT TAKE FOR YOU GUYS TO BRIBE THE REFS ON THIS?

So, the perfect storm happens once you jump to the SEC, nobody watches film of Johnny Manziel and he has a great year and then you shake down your donors in order to upgrade Kyle Field. Present:

Concept:

Texas A&M is totally unique because you like to play soldier. Great job, guys. You know you've got that military discipline when three members of the corps of cadets are arrested for leaving a dead dog on your drill field.

aggie nut squeeze

UNACCEPTABLE

THAT IS THE WORST COLLECTION OF HAIRCUTS I HAVE EVER SEEN. You all look like you pooled your ducats and invested in a communal Flowbee. ATM officers are a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in the doughy bodies of a thousand hopeless dorks. For some reason, you all fall in love with $400 boots that really accentuate the strained buttons on your Buford T. Justice uniforms. My experience has taught me that whooping to one another is the high point of your military careers.

WHAT THE FUCK, ISN'T THE HIGHEST RANKING OFFICER AT YOUR SHITHOLE SCHOOL A DOG? YOU PEOPLE ARE WEIRD.

THIS DOG COULD RUN YOUR SCHOOL BETTER. SERIOUSLY.

SO YOUR MASCOT IS THE AGGIES... GUESS WHAT, YOUR CATTLE SUCKS. NEBRASKA HAS BETTER AGRICULTURE THAN YOU DO. AND FUCK SHINER BOCK, THAT BEER IS WEASEL PISS.

TEXAS A&M'S NEXT DATE WITH THE BIG TEN: Maybe in a Bowl Game.

SHERMAN'S NEXT DESTINATION: Cincinnati, Ohio