clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: CINCINNATI BEARCATS

New, 61 comments

Not even my home state of Ohio is safe, as long as pissants reside therein.

Ah, home sweet home. Ohio is home to a longtime member of the Big Ten Conference and for this I am thankful. However, within Ohio lurks a small-time team with the arrogance to schedule my glorious conference for gridiron combat seemingly every year: the lowly Cincinnati Bearcats.

The Bearcat is a small climbing mammal native to southeast Asia. How this represents Cincinnati I cannot even begin to fathom. Perhaps it is a vague allusion to the intimate grooming practices of the local women, though my experience would wildly contradict that.

Unlike Syracuse, Louisville and Rutgers, Cincinnati was unable to flee the sinking ship that was the Big East as nobody in a seaworthy vessel would throw them a life ring. Now they toil away in the ironically-named American Athletic Conference. Ironically-named, since the Big Ten is the most American conference in America, AND THE REMAINDER ARE COMPRISED OF TREASONOUS REBELS, COMMUNISTS, BRITISH SYMPATHIZERS, AND TEXAS.

These foolish Bearcats have been a thorn in the side of my armies and this shall come to an end. Though it took four years, former Cincinnati athletic director Mike Thomas was exposed as a saboteur in Fort Chambana and was dismissed. Nevertheless, your treachery did not pay off, as the disgraced former Illinois Fighting Illini General Tim Beckman still managed to outmaneuver your troops in a 45-17 blowout.

I REITERATE: TIM BECKMAN BEAT CINCINNATI 45-17.

Perhaps noted child abandonment practitioner Tommy Tuberville ran out of magic, or perhaps Cincinnati is simply destined for spectacular failure. It was among Tuberville's first games in Cincinnati, so perhaps he was still recovering from gastrointestinal distress brought on by Skyline Chili. Inspired by their coach shitting all over himself, the team took a big shit on the field in Champaign.

Promoting Gunnery Sgt. Gunner Kiel to start seemed ambitious...UNTIL GUNNER WAS HOPELESSLY OUTGUNNED BY MY MIGHTY OHIO STATE BUCKEYE REGIMENT.

Denizens of the Greater Diet Cleveland Area (that's you, Cincinnati) swear loyalty only to my Buckeye regiment, and it shall always be as such. No amount of racially-charged basketbrawling or upgrades to Nipplert Stadium shall change this fundamental truth. Brought to the precipice of greatness by the insidious Brian Kelly, Cincinnati was unceremoniously dumped by him for Notre Dame prior to what should have been their finest hour, and nobody cared.WE, THE BIG BOYS, THEREFORE PISS ON YOU, CINCINNATI, AND INVITE YOU TO COME TO OUR STADIUMS AND COLLECT YOUR PAYCHECKS AND BEATDOWNS IN PERPETUITY, YOU MID-MAJOR PISSANT OF A PROGRAM.

NEXT SCHEDULED BIG TEN GAME: September 9th, 2016 at Purdue September 10th, 2017 at Fort Ann Arbor, home of the mighty Michigan Wolverines regiment.

SHERMAN'S NEXT DESTINATION: Waco, Texas, to engage in a 51-day siege