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SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: BAYLOR BEARS

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KISS IT.
KISS IT.
Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

While perusing the television, I became enraged at a series of advertisements featuring the abomination pictured below:

dr pepper

I cannot imagine who the target audience might have been, but it certainly is not disgruntled Generals of the Union. I bellowed to my advisors, demanding to know the source of this scourge, and they reported that Dr. Pepper originated in Waco, Texas. Remembering this to be the home of a certain football team with a recently-acquired sense of unwarranted self-importance, I rode in a southwesterly direction to kill two birds with one stone: salt the earth from which Dr. Pepper grew, and eviscerate the Baylor Bears

Subjects of so many ESPN short films and purveyors of so many obnoxious and flashy uniforms, the Baylor Bears are noted for their high-powered offense, so long as their opponent lacks a functional defense. This makes them the Big 12 Flavor Of The Week, just like Oklahoma often is, like Oklahoma State in 2011, like Texas Tech in 2008.

After the playoff committee debacle of 2014, Baylor kindly let the big boys in the Big 12 take care of business and stepped away from title contention last year. A wise decision, given that in 2014 Baylor and TCU were both shut out of the inaugural College Football Playoff in favor of my mighty Ohio State Buckeyes regiment. Commander-In-Chief Bob Bowlsby elected to use the shotgun method of getting a team into the playoff. I, however, used the Barrett .50-cal method: send a devastatingly powerful object into the target at an absurdly high velocity and destroy everything. Waco had repeated part of its history, with Baylor and TCU playing the parts of two trains crashing into each other in an attempted attention grab that backfired when everything exploded and killed people.

Baylor pissed and moaned about how much they deserved to get into the playoff, but would have to settle for walloping my hapless army of Michigan State Spartans. UNFORTUNATELY FOR THEM, THEY COMMITTED THE CARDINAL SIN OF BIG 12 TEAMS AND FORGOT TO PLAY DEFENSE. A siege of the Waco institution left only flames and destruction in its wake and silenced the once-brash cult leader David Koresh Art Briles. Drastically underestimating the firepower of my troops, Baylor gave up 21 points in the fourth quarter to lose the Cotton Bowl 42-41 and would have to watch with silent gnashing of teeth as Ohio State brought home the national title they had once been arrogant enough to think they deserved.

This was just one year after their first Big 12 championship only proved how weak the conference must have been that year, as they were slapped around by Blake Bortles and the Central Florida Knights in the Fiesta Bowl. Of course, this was only a couple years after Robert Griffin III (pronounced Robert Griffin The Turd) won the Heisman for one simple reason: he was seen as the only Baylor player that had ever or would ever matter, and this was enough to persuade people that he should be awarded the trophy. Let's ignore the fact that he's had one good pro season and has now been supplanted by MY VERY OWN KIRK COUSINS OUT OF FORT EAST LANSING and talk about how he helplessly flailed against a 6-loss Illinois Fighting Illini team in the 2010 Texas Bowl to the tune of a 38-14 demolition. That was the real Baylor, exposed by one of my glorious Big Ten armies to be a gimmicky fraud.

Of course, that 2010 Texas Bowl was their first bowl since 1994, so I suppose tempering expectations would be appropriate. In scanning Baylor's bowl history, however, I found losses to Michigan State, Illinois, INDIANA and Penn State without a win to be found against the Big Ten. PERHAPS YOU SHOULD DEFEAT THE B1G ON THE FIELD BEFORE YOU RUN YOUR MOUTH ABOUT HOW MUCH MORE YOU DESERVE A PLAYOFF SPOT THAN ONE OF OUR ILLUSTRIOUS TEAMS.

Yes, Baylor not only lost to the Indiana Hoosiers in a bowl game, but were shut out 24-0 in the 1991 Copper Bowl.

Of course, Baylor's failure to become a major player in the style of Florida State is not for their lack of emulating Florida State. The football team's sexual assault scandal has reached a point where it's actually being compared to Baylor's prior basketball scandal. Congratulations, you got part of the Florida State recipe right! Now you just have to win something for a change. Oh, and if I were Art Briles, I'd lawyer up. I hear Joe Amendola is available.

WACO IS A DESPICABLE PLACE AND BEING KEPT OUT OF THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF REPRESENTED THE MOST NATIONAL RELEVANCE BAYLOR'S ON-FIELD PRODUCT SHALL EVER ENJOY. I DON'T THINK YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOUR COLORS ARE ANYMORE. NOT THAT IT MATTERS; WE'LL IDENTIFY YOU AS "THE TEAM THAT'S LOSING TO THE BIG TEN TEAM IN THIS BOWL GAME."

Baylor's Next Scheduled Big Ten Matchup: Baylor would prefer to save losing to the B1G until bowl season, and as such has not scheduled any B1G games.

Sherman's Next Destination: Murfreesboro, Tennessee.