Nebraska Hate: Did Delany Keep the Receipt?

Townie: Nebraska...it's been six years since you joined the B1G. What exactly did you bring?

Oh, wait I know...bullshit. Lots and lots of bullshit.

Talk is cheap, you arrogant bastards. You swagger into the Big Ten, throwing around your "five national championships".

What have you done since you got here? Not so much...

You couldn't beat Texas in the Big 12...so you claimed that the conference favored the Longhorns. We all know the refrain: refs, bias...blah blah blah. That's why you took your ball and slunk over to the Big Ten.

Over here, you thought you'd rule the world. Hell, they put you in the easiest division on the planet. You play the Nerds, [redacted], and the fighting Tim Beckman's for god's sake. Wisconsin is down without Bert and Iowa is...Iowa. How hard could it be?

Apparently, it's pretty hard.

These days you can't beat Iowa in the Big Ten. Shit, you can't beat Illinois or Purdue even. How about them Blackshirts now Husker Nation? What's that? You just won a bowl game? Yep, nice win in that December 26th Foster Farms...why the fuck do we have this bowl...you had a losing record.

You won three conference games. Three. Conference. Games.

You didn't beat Purdue. How the fuck did you go to a bowl game? Oh yeah, it's the millennial generation. Everybody gets to feel like winners...even you.

No...that doesn't cheapen the experience.

Most folks would have the decency to realize that, when Rutgers is your best win, you probably should quietly move on. Especially mid-westerners. But nope, not you guys. The only time Nebraska fans shut up is when they pop a nut fry in their mouths.

Mmmm, beer-battered testicles! It's a Nebraskan delight!.

And talk about delusional, you guys make Penn State fans look rational. Somehow, you completely forget what a dismal mess your new coach made of a nine-win team from the year before. And that a drunk, one eyed Brett Favre would throw fewer picks than your quarterbacks.

You conveniently forget that Wisconsin curb-stomped you at home. That you lost to a fucking terrible Miami team. Let's not mention the "we shit the bed" game at Illinois. And you must've drank away the brain cells that were aware that you gave up 55 fucking points to Purdue...PURDUE...and lost that game.

Damn that Purdue game. Ryker Fyfe must've taken money from somebody...or horse tranquilizers.

And your defense in that game was shameful. Your fucking secondary made David Blough look like a Heisman candidate. How do you let Purdue's quarterback run for 80 yards and a touchdown?

But don't worry. Hope springs eternal. Drink that Natty Lite, kill those brain cells, and remember those national championships from the 1990's. Because with a performance like last year, you guys ain't heading back that way for a while.

LPW: You're just another team in the Big Ten West.

GF3: Wow, Townie. You pull no punches. I'll offer some to dulcet tones of mellow smoothness to complement your raucous drum solo.

It's hard to hate Nebraskans, or their dyslexic yet beloved school (NU: The University of Nebraska at Lincoln). That's due in large part to the fact that Nebraskans are so damn nice, but also in large measure because any decent person thinks living in Nebraska is punishment enough. To that end, I don't hate Nebraska. I just...feel bad that of all the Big XII teams to poach, we got you. We reached into Dan Beebe's grab bag hoping for a Red Ryder BB gun and pulled out a pair of practical winter socks.

Think of it like this...Nebraska is Uncle Rico. Old, tired, delusional, van-dwelling, Tupperware-selling Uncle Rico. You say 1995 was great? We know. You mention it literally every time football comes up. You could throw a football clean over those mountains (or stacks or corn or wheat or whatever Monsanto lets you grow now)? We know. You never cease telling us how great you used to be. Five national titles? You don't say. I bet it'd be six if Wisconsin had only let you in the big game.

Therein lies the problem, Nebraska. You're the West's reigning King of the Past Tense. You're Penn State without the sanctions. Michigan without the money. Minnesota without the hockey. Rutgers without....ok, you're way better than Rutgers but that's damning with the faintest of praise.

You fill the stadium every weekend, though we all know your "sellout" record is a lie. You're good at volleyball, the velveeta of college sports. I guess being tall in Nebraska is good for two things: a UN-L scholarship and being visible on the horizon from 10 miles away. You have Runzas, which is both awesome and sad because a 4-pound HEAT round of bread and cabbage is the most enjoyable part of a UN-L game. None of that would be so bad if you could just shut the hell up about it and accept your future as an also-ran disaster in a place that exists to keep Iowa from bordering too many nice states.

I don't fully hate you, Nebraska. I just wish Delany had kept the receipt. We have enough socks.